It’s been a banner day (or would be, if banners were hung for this and I suppose if they were you’d probably have to call it hanged anyway, at least if you had a pretentious editor you would) for ridiculous weapons around the U. S. of A. which increasingly appears to stand for the Unhinged States of Absurdity, for lo, on one simple, time-wasting cruise through Fark we netted all of the following very ripe fish:

Assault with a deadly gnome.

The gnome, about a foot tall, wore a hat, a blue shirt over a bulging stomach and a wide grin as it sat on a table in open court throughout the two-day trial. Morrison and the weapon were separated by about 2 feet of table, with the gnome facing the defendant.

The Gazpacho Assassin.

Russell Kranz said he begged his wife not to kill him and was struck in the face with large numbers of tomatoes, the complaint stated.

Sheriff’s officers reported tomatoes were crushed “everywhere” in the residence.

and last but not in this ex-barista’s heart least is:

Have Bikini, Will Liquidate.

“He has underwear over his face, he’s wearing hot pink panties now and the underwear that he was wearing is over his face and there’s a little peephole so he can see,” Feddock said.

… They tried to get a look at the man’s license plate, but that too was covered up with women’s underwear.When the man came back a third time one of the baristas took a cup of scolding [sic] hot water and doused him with it.

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said oooh yeah,” Feddock said.

Police are seeking a clean, filthy suspect.