When stuck for a blog post when you’ve already posted every goddam Blogthing and MarriedToTheSea on the planet, rip off Vanity Fair. No, seriously, it works every time. There are vast armies of Ivy League grads toiling away in Fifth Avenue sweatshops to come up with easily replicable, endlessly repeatable ideas, and it is a form of honouring their sacrifices (youth, beauty, education, Grammie’s trust fund) to steal their ideas.
After all, if they can live in Manhattan on an intern’s salary, they obviously don’t need our money, right?
So, we’ve done the Proust Questionnaire. We’ve snarked at the Best Dressed List. We’ve slavered over Lapo, and mourned Dominick Dunne. Having walked several hours today after having eaten nothing between the hours of 10am and 9pm, my brain is having a low-blood-sugar evening, which I am not fighting in the slightest but am aiding with the medicinal application of two and a half ounces of Appleton rum and lime to the gullet.
Hence the prefab content ripoff.
If the rum makes it all the way to my brain, I may attempt originality; there is no expectation whatsoever of success at this, I’m just giving you the heads-up so if something comes out of left field you can blame it on me and not those poor, Lacoste-clad minions. Selah.
Which I stole from Hunter S. Thompson. But you knew that, right?
And fuck the people who say I have too much stuff; what I have, is not enough house, baby! You know where the Paypal button is; donate to support Operation Global Media Domination today! You think these henchmen come cheap?
My apartment looks like a liquor store and a library collided at high speed and the HAZMAT team hasn’t yet arrived.
Stealing the headings from the Alexander Wang quiz in the most recent VF, with occasional supplementationaryism as I see fit and can remember and hey, if there’s one person they should interview for this it’s Jessica Coen now that I think of it, the new editor of Jezebel, the Once and Future Present Against Her Better Instincts Gawkerite and tell her I sent ya, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.
Jeans: I’m not a jean fetishist. Victoria’s Secret London Jean, straight legged, stonewashed or dark indigo only
Watch: I loaned my Movado Museum gold watch with the real lizard strap to my much more responsible, High Modernist neighbor. I use my JesusPhone
T-Shirt: I have 27 Starbucks Gimme Tees from the 7 years I worked there
Loafers or Lace-Ups, I guess the girly equivalent would be Heels or Flats: flats, usually sneakers since I’m walking so far, but I also have some patent leopard-spotted platform 4" heels, for posing on bar stools.
Shampoo: meh, whatever’s on sale
Presumably they meant to ask about Conditioner too, or it’d feel marginalized. We are all inclusive and shit here. Alberto VO 5 Hot Oil treatment once a week, whatever’s on sale the rest of the time. And Wella Kolesteral once a month.
Moisturizer (they ask men this? Whoa, and I thought the metrosexual was dead) Neautrogena Healthy Skin
Hair Product: Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray and Garnier Fructis Wax
Cologne: Trouble or Chanel 19 or Allure or DKNY Red Delicious or Kenneth Cole Black, which I’m mostly just wearing because it was on an incredible discount and it’s okay. Not great. Okay. Miss Dior Cherie or Dune Homme (which is far FAR superior to the women’s version) or the highly exotic KL would be great. Hint, hint.
Toothpaste: Crest. Are there others?
Where do you get your hair cut? Future Hair at Cambie and Broadway. It’s a school, but it’s a GOOD school. And when I had to go on tv and was penniless, they did my hair for free.
Where do you live? Vangroover, baby. The Downtown Eastside!
Car: Hahahahahahahahahaha, I can’t afford a bus pass!
Sheets: t-shirt knit in white or off-white or maroon or navy blue solids. Soft, soft, soft.
Coffee-Table Book: The Grammar of Ornament, by Owen Jones. So large it IS a coffee table. By the way, I hate coffee tables. I prefer end tables; you don’t bash your shins on them, and they’re handier for resting your refreshing beverage on.
Favorite Flowers: white roses, but Wang’s suggestion of white peonies and white cabbage mint roses is delightful. The only thing wrong with peonies is that they don’t smell as beautiful as they look.
Favorite Gadget: the Jesusphone, but specifically the iPod part of it, and the part that plays podcasts. I’m all over FitMusic podcasts, iRelax sleep inducing soundtracks that you mix, Lose it! fitness management, and the built in camera
Favorite Neighborhood Restaurant: The Irish Heather, followed by the Ovaltine
Favorite Cocktail: Hendrick’s Martini or a Plymouth Negroni, depending on my mood.
Favorite Dessert: I don’t really eat dessert; when did that happen? But Mango Pudding is the single greatest food known to humankind, so I’ll go with that.
Favorite Snack: anything small and frivolous-looking. I’m all about the Afternoon Tea and the Canapes.
Necessary Extravagance: magazines. I used to spend $80 a month, but that was back when $80 a month was LESS than my income!
Favorite Place in the World: my favorite place isn’t in this world; it’s in Narnia
And of these all, the greatest is Big Trouble in Little China.
Favorite Vintage Store: Liberty if I’m on a budget, Value Village if I’m so skint I’m past budgets, and Deluxe Junk Co. if I’ve got actual money.
Style Icons: Catherine Deneuve and Angie Dickinson (hoop earrings FTW!)
Favorite Colour (I like my spelling better!) Silver Grey
Favorite Texture: Feathers!
Favorite Hotel: La Azotea in General Santos, the Philippines