Zombie Sex Guide: a public service announcement

Today’s safe sex warning comes to us from Zombieland, just in time for Halloween. While you’re out there shopping for your Slutty Zombie/Playa Zombie costume, remember not to make it too realistic. You don’t want anyone avoiding you because of any of the following zombie-specific sex challenges:

  • crotch rot
  • S&M without the sting
  • insertion without the option of exertion (dropped limb syndrome)
  • or the truly terrifying consequences of necronautical oral sex:
That totally blows, guys
Zombie blow jobs suck.

Oral sex can be challenging for zombies, especially if you’re in a state of advanced decay or have taken a lot of physical damage. The repetitive sucking and mouth movement can overtax the jaw joint and cause permanent dislocation of the mandible. In addition, your partner’s genitalia may have degenerated to the point of being unrecognizable. And if you thought the smell was bad before…

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Zombie Sex Guide: a public service announcement

  1. Glad you enjoyed it. Don’t overlook the tips at the end for save human to zombie sex! We don’t want any necrophiliacs paying the Ultimate Price for the love that cannot speak its name but can only sort of groan slightly and dribble a bit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s