The Hospital Food Diet

The Hospital Food Diet saves you tons of money!
The Hospital Food Diet saves you tons of money!

So tomorrow I’m going in to have a crop of Human Pearls™ removed. Yes, this was supposed to be BONANZA DAY, wherein I’d sell said pearls for thousands, perhaps baJILLIONS of dollars, and be set for the rest of my life. Instead, I find out that they no longer give you your gallstones back after they’ve taken them out, they crush them all and test them for cancer, thus destroying my business model and my dreams.

I even built a website for them: YouWantAPieceOfMe?

My silent partner and I are now looking into other humano-agrarian activities including but not limited to sperm farming. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Please do not accompany your application with a sample.

Anyway, depending on what they give me for the pain, my next blogging could get rather loopy. One of the drawbacks to not having internet at home and not drinking as much is that my drunkblogging has greatly suffered lately, to the point where I’m getting complaints from my readers via email. I promise, if they don’t give me something entertaining on which to blog, I’ll at least write up that restaurant review-style comparison of all the different drugs they’ve given me. Although it’s no secret there’s a strong favorite:

Demerol better bring its A Game

Demerol better bring its A Game

9 thoughts on “The Hospital Food Diet

  1. Thanks. I just got an email from my doctor’s office reminding me not to stop for Chicken McNuggets on the way to have my gallbladder out. They said someone once did that.

    Someone very, very stupid.

  2. Mr. Nag, after years of cherishing his human pearls, has been armtwisted into having them forcibly yanked from his (ample) mid section. If you have any pearls of wisdom to offer about the procedure let us know (don’t mention anything unpleasant though).

  3. Other than don’t stop for McNuggets on the way there, I got nuthin. I’m setting two alarms to make sure I get up in time, but that’s as far as I go in terms of preparation.

    How can ANYONE, having gone through an attack, decide against surgery??? Seriously, I’ve had four in the last month (two serious, two mild) and boy, howdy will I be happy to see the last of these things. I had a breakup with onion rings that was far more painful than any breakup with a man I’ve ever experienced.

  4. Pingback: Afternoon Links: More Jesse James Nazi Photos Leaked

  5. I’m bummed for you that you don’t get to keep your crop of pearls. Do you at least get to see them? Perhaps you could market autographed photos of them…

    Wishing you a smooth surgery, a fast recovery, and plenty of morphine.

  6. You know, they DID give me a turkey sandwich, but thanks to the Great Socialist Republic of Canuckistan, they gave me TWO milk containers!!! SUCK ON THAT, YANKISTAN!

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