Attack of the Ukelele Kitteh

It’s almost still Wednesday, so here is a unicorn chaser for you: A sweetly bowtied serenader performing “Nerdy Love Song” and  competing frantically with an adorable kitten for control of a ukelele. If this were any more hipster it would be artisanal, which is to say it would be on Vimeo instead of YouTube.

NERDY LOVE SONG
by DeAnne Smith

C Am F G

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you,
but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you

Your molecules must be moving really quickly
’cause girl, you’re hot.
Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary?
All I know is, baby, you rock.

if god existed, I’d thank him for you
but I’m rational and i read (a lot of) Sam Harris
you’re beautiful like the font of Garamond
but I wanna see you sans serif.
(take your pants off)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
I observe your quarks oscillating,
and I’m formulating a g-string theory

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age,
yeah, I’m wanna absolutely date you
you make me feel like a male giraffe
I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do)

the value of my love for you
cannot be expressed exactly
it’s more irrational than pi
hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
you can suck me into the supermassive black hole
at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina)

I may not be the biggest or strongest
but my knowledge of grammar shines
I know how to use the words further and farther correctly
every freaking time

farther indicates physical distance
and further a depth or degree
example: the moon is getting farther from the earth
about 4 centimeters annually (true fact)

example: you just keep getting further into my heart
wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart
no, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart
hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
if the situation is ambiguous
further and farther can be used interchangably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along)

I wanna be your abacus baby
you can count on me
and I won’t say that I love you or I heart you
but I will say, I less than 3 you
(please take off your pants)

Via Mok, the Magic Man in the comments on Gawker

Horrors from Beneath: The Octopus and the Mantis Shrimp

Two more in the series of Why I Don’t Swim in the Ocean. I would, if I could convince a pair of divers to swim below me at all times. Watch these videos and you’ll see why.

The Octopus

and

The Mantis Shrimp, ancestor to all clowns. Have a good time trying to sleep tonight.

Enjoy your next swim!

h/t Griffin Boyce

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Tiny chihuahua shows these bubbles who’s boss in slow-motion video (video)

raincoaster:

In case you’re wondering, no, I haven’t died. I’m just working like a slave for my clients and TheCryptosphere.com which you should read REPEATEDLY EVERY GODDAM DAY HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

As proof that I am the same old me, here is an horrific vision of a slavering canid in a blood rage, attacking helpless bubbles. Yes, a Chihuahua puppy and a bubble machine. You’re welcome.

STAY VIGILANT!

 

Originally posted on theBERRY:

[kaltura id=0_jdl7sn96 skin=26166822]

View original

Indiana Woman Lived In A House For Eight Years Without Ever Having To Pay For It

raincoaster:

Jesus, I’ve been living rent-free for a year and a half, but this woman? THIS WOMAN IS THE MASTER!

Originally posted on Consumerist:

The luxury of not having to pay rent or a mortgage payment every month might seem like some kind of fever dream, obtainable only by those scant few who make the rest of us uncomfortably jealous, but one woman in Indiana managed to pull it off not just for a few months or even a year — but for eight years.

View original 383 more words

Bucket List

I have, for some time, suspected that my bucket list might differ substantially from those of other, lesser mortals. A swift peruse through the Bucket List tag on WordPress confirms this. 

AIM HIGHER PEOPLE!

I have no idea whether or not you have the capability to achieve higher aims, but just reading “go to Six Flags” umpteen times is fucking depressing, okay? AIM HIGHER. For me.

And now to my bucket list:

  1. Marry Prince Caspian
  2. Win Nobel Prize for Literature before 30 (nb requires time machine at this point)
  3. Capture and tame and break to ride a wild mustang, dressage optional
  4. Become the White Rahnee of Sarawak
  5. Have John Galliano call me a muse
  6. Make memorable entrance to Annabel’s
  7. Compete in a three day event
  8. See Bali from the inside, the way I saw the Bandas
  9. Have a good sit-down with Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia
  10. At least once pre-empt Biella Coleman when the media asks for comment on Anonymous. Just once, come on girl
  11. Viggo.
  12. EDITED TO ADD: Wikipedia entry. How could I have forgotten?