It must be said that house-sitting is more attractive as a gig when you live, as I do, in a leaky, damp, cold, mushroom-sprouting festerment on the heart of the Downtown EastSide rather than, say, a $25million-dollar oceanfront mansion on the North Shore. Although I still bet I get more seawater than they do: I sea it dribbling down the walls, for god’s sake.

In any case, there is nothing I enjoy so much as the vicarious pleasure of having, if only for the moment, two homes. It’s not quite “should we open the Rio house this weekend?” but it’s getting there.

After cleaning out the fridge, the greatest pleasure is turning their animals. You left thinking Fluffy would never forget you. If you engaged me as a house-sitter, trust me, Fluffy has long since forgotten you, figuring that she’s traded up. Whatever her species (other than fish. Live fish are simply pre-sushi in my worldview) Fluffy now loves me more than she loves you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but it’s better you know now than later. The current Fluffy-incumbent at Lydia‘s house not only worships me, she thinks I can make the six inches of snow we are currently enjoying go away; in other words, she thinks I am a god. Is it any wonder I enjoy pet-sitting?

Seriously, though, this poor cat. She’s more disappointed in her god than anyone in history.  Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthami . Every 45 minutes (her internal timer is extremely accurate; either that or she can tell time, and those Orientals are like, way smart) she runs to the door and causes a fuss, so I obligingly open said door, saying “Dude, it’s still Canada out there” and she looks out, looks up at me with a “well, what are you going to do about it” look, and then gives up. As so many of us, faced with the greater questions of faith and causality, do.

But it is fun to convert a “she doesn’t take to strangers” animal into a lap-purring cuddle machine inside of three hours. If only I had that knack with people…

Sandra Bullock said that the key to success with men is to do the little hair toss thingy and follow it up with “I have three million dollars in my checking account.” I shall practice in front of a mirror for future use and report back on my success.