handy hints: dress like a whore!

hooker bra, also much mousseMaaaan, the things you learn on Livejournal! Here ferinstance, in the highly ripoff-worthy Cindy RedDeer‘s journal, we learn how to put your bra on like a whore.

What we do not learn, alas, is how anyone who pretends to respectability found out how whores put their bras on in the first place. Frankly, most of the ones I know use front-snap bras, because it’s quicker. Also good for a cheap laugh if the guy has never seen one before.

Uh, I read it in Cosmo.

It’s the small things that drive you bonkers. I had this patient once who was very particular about the way her bra was to be applied. Apparently I put mine on like a whore and she would have none of that!

In case you didn’t know whores hook the snaps in front then turn it around then pull the cups up over the breasts then pull the straps up one arm at a time. Ladies, on the other hand place both arms through the straps, but up to the elbows, then they they reach behind and fasten the hooks then they pull the bra the rest of the way up and then pull the straps over the shoulders…

TJ Hooker and friendsSo I guess that means I put mine on like a tranny? I can’t figure this out: what does it mean if you put your arms through the straps but put the straps up to your shoulders, bend over, and tuck everything in place before fastening things? Does it mean I alone have taken lessons from the magazine writer who specifically went to a bra store to find shit like this out? That is what I call pragmatic journalism. Both my tits and my bras are in fine shape, thankyouverymuch, and there is no way of telling how much of it is due to my “gravity assisted” method of getting dressed. All I know is, Madonna better watch her back, particularly since her body fat went into the negative numbers.

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13 thoughts on “handy hints: dress like a whore!

  1. I think that’s just so Canadian. Our mothers probably handed us training bras and shoved us into the dressing room, muttering “let me know when you’re dressed” and so we’ve never actually seen a woman put one on. We all have to make it up ourselves. There are probably some women who fasten the back, then place it on the floor and pull it up like a skirt.

    What do you mean you don’t put a skirt on that way?

  2. Raincoaster, the way you pur your bra on is a modified version of the way girls at Hooters are taught to do it. Except they bend over, fasten it, and then push it up. Gives you that extra ooomph.

  3. You gotta luv the Shat. That was the hardest-working wig in showbusiness. As for the Hooters tip, well leave it to the professionals to find the best way.

  4. Who cares about him? I luuuuuvs me some Heather Locklear–and I don’t give a rodent’s rectum how, or indeed if, she puts her bra on.

    In fact, all things considered, if it ever gets to the point where I have any input in the matter, I’d rather she simply didn’t. It’s only going to get in the way.

  5. The whore-method of bra…uh…placement is what is taught in lingerie shops — those ladies sure know how to get the longest life out of their tit-slings, and not wrench their backs out!

    Metro, didn’t you notice I put my bra on like a whore?

    :p

  6. Lori, you obviously go to a different class of lingerie shops than I do. Mine are dead-set against the snapping-first-and-turning-around method. You don’t, perchance, put the milk in your tea first, do you?

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