"Our best bet was to use mineral oil, lube her up as best we could, and then try to pop her head out."

No, seriously. This is a legitimate news story!

"She was hyperventilating. Obviously, we didn't how long she'd been in the pipe," said Fulbright. "The best we could estimate, she'd been in there two hours. Our best bet was to use mineral oil, lube her up as best we could, and then try to pop her head out. Fortunately, that's what occurred."

Meanwhile, in San Salvador, authorities at La Esperanza Prison caught Lidia Alvarado, 44, trying to smuggle contraband in to her boyfriend. They found she was carrying some marijuana and a grenade … in her vagina.

Upon inspection cops found the 10-inch-long M-67 grenade to be "in working order."

Police have raised the security alert level at prisons all across the country. They suspect "the inmates are planning something."

Meanwhile in Texas, Piper is being held for 72 hours in the event someone claims her. If not, she'll be put up for adoption.

Both the grenade and the pipe were four inches wide.