and no, I didn’t write it. And I don’t actually know who did, but I can easily see why he’s not sticking this on his home page, penultimate gem in the crown of humour or not.

Can you imagine having a nice job interview with Graydon Carter and suddenly he cries “Oh, you’re the tapeworm guy!”

Do not, repeat, do not read this if you are even slightly hungover, the teensiest bit nauseated, or about to sit down to a good meal. It is a few years old, but none the worse for that. Originally I think I got it from BoingBoing, but that was back when they were a website, because blogs hadn’t been invented yet.

Yes, that old.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the tale of the tapeworm.

When I go to the bathroom, I usually expect it to be a non-event. After so many years, there are few surprises left for me sitting on a toilet. Yet that’s where I first discovered an uninvited entity that called me home.

I had finished doing what we all do at the toilet, stood, and casually, almost like a cat, turned around to look down and make sure. This time, looking down, something caught my attention. Among the customary contents, there was a bright, clean, white thing down there.

I looked more carefully, becoming a momentary tea-leaf type. Strange. I had never seen this before. And then it hit me. Of course! I had eaten some spaghetti the evening before – this was probably just a little undigested bit that somehow got through. I flushed.

Two days later, the usual toilet routine. Sit, let ‘er fly, liberal toilet paper usage, stand, trousers up, turn, about to flush, and there it was again. The little white thing! I quickly reviewed the meals I’d consumed recently and I didn’t remember eating any pasta for days. I was going to assume this was a freakish thing, and flushed the toilet and breezed along with my life until a couple of days later, there it was again, an albino king sitting on top of his soft brown throne.

Read the rest here. But seriously, not if you’re eating. Or going to be thinking about it ever again.