welcome to the panIHOPticon

The Spatula of Total Information Awareness 

Would you like some surveillance with those flapjacks? How about a side of identity theft? Can I top up your presumption of guilt before offering you what we’ve got in the way of closed curcuit television monitoring, hot off the griddle? Here’s our daily special, fresh from the Department of Homeland Insecurity.

In response to a media inquiry, a Quincy, Massachusetts International House of Pancakes has ended its somewhat over-the-top dine-and-dash prevention policy of requiring its customers to not only show, but also relinquish, their driver’s licenses while enjoying the tasty breakfasts for which the chain is renowned.

Those who would trade liberty for security of pancakes deserve neither liberty nor pancakes!

The PanIHOPticon policy was overturned when one John Russo, would-be breakfaster, refused to comply with the policy, citing fears of identity theft. Media reports quote Russo as saying,

“‘You want my license? I’m going for pancakes, I’m not buying the Hope diamond,’ and they refused to seat us…Identity theft is rampant. I wouldn’t want to give my license, with my address or Social Security number to anyone that I’m not familiar with. I’m going just for breakfast.”

There are no reports of Russo attempting to use the library, pray, or take flying lessons while at the IHOP.

Would you like a cavity search with that maple syrup?

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Technorati me!

5 thoughts on “welcome to the panIHOPticon

  1. Hmm. The secret policeman’s other sausage?

    I can’t believe people are stupid enough to sit still for this. I’m contemplating buying fake ID to take out a membership at Blockbuster’s, and these idiots are undermining the effort.

    Truly, as Emo says: “Some days it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

    How soon until we have to sign a pre-breakfasting agreement? And what would the document look like?

    “By merely looking at the paper this agreement is written on you agree not to attempt to reverse-engineer breakfast as served at IHOP (including but not limited to the following: Pancakes, waffles, toast, prepared eggs, toppings, sausages [links or patties], bacon [peameal, strip, or Canadian back], hash browns, steaks, vegetables). Any attempt to do so will render your warranty (see Disclaimer for why warranty applies to all transactions you engage in from now until you expire or the date of your death, whichever comes first*, voids any other warranty, and yet provides all the customer protection of a nine-year old box of rubbers) null and void, and result in black helicopters landing on your front lawn, your children being kidnapped and sold to teen pimps in Bagdhad, and your neighbours told firmly ‘Okay–you didn’t see this. Nobody saw anything, right?’. Preparation of reverse-engineered breakfasts in your home kitchen may mean you forfeit your home to IHOP under sub-sub-sub-penalty clause footnote D(ii)b. Well, maybe not, but we’ll take it anyway and by the time you figure out we weren’t supposed to and hire a lawyer you’ll find it’s cheaper to let us have it. Re-heating leftovers must be done exactly according to breakfast manufacturer’s instructions, which are printed on a microfilm slide kept in a plastic bag sealed in a concrete brick. Failure to follow these instructions will result in termination of this agreement and the customer.”

    *This warranty Disclaimer void if customer is immortal. Immortal customers must prove their immortal status in person to the satisfaction of the president of the IHOP chain of restaurants.

  2. On that note, has anyone ever actually ASKED what peameal is made out of? I mean, we all know that corn oil comes from corn and baby oil comes from babies, so what is peameal made from? Is it vegetarian-safe?

  3. Peameal, as I found out years ago through a cooking course, is the yellow, powdery coating of cornflour dusted onto some types of back bacon. However, in poorer times, yellow peas were ground into flour for the purpose.

    So yeah, peameal is made from peas. What’s your point? Are you biased against French Canadian soups? You really shouldn’t be. Come by and I’ll whip you up a bowl–you’ll finally be able to visualize whirled peas.

    I mean; all I am saying: is give peas a chance.

    I think this comment has peaked.

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