bisexual bat sex demon attack prevention

Frank Frazetta's Frankenstein and Dracula 

Well, that title should draw the Buffy fans like flies.

The BBC reports that men in Tanzania live in constant fear of being attacked and raped by a bisexual demon in the form of a giant bat.

The story goes that the bat is able to transform itself into a man at night and it has also been blamed for rapes of women.

Sheikh Yahya Hussein, a prominent astrologer in Tanzania, claims that the demon is a spirit that is unleashed by witches to torment their opponents.

Naturally, in an effort to prevent such attacks, the men are sleeping rough (it being, presumably, well-known that sex-crazed bat-shaped demons have difficulty performing when they’re out in the open and prefer a more intimate setting for their acts of incubation/incubattery) and, of course, smearing themselves with lardons, which has the not-entirely-welcome effect of repelling gay bat sex demons yet attracting Mario Batali and his fingerling.

Also, no sightings of said sex-crazed bat demon have in fact been reported in Tanzania at all. So ask yourself…have any sightings been reported around here? We will pause while you check the local paper.

And since the Tanzanian protections have so far proven 100% effective at deterring sex-crazed bat demon attacks, perhaps you should start thinking about the practicalities.

Just to be safe, get out the Crisco and the hammock. After all, you don’t want anyone thinking you were asking for it.

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9 thoughts on “bisexual bat sex demon attack prevention

  1. Its so over the top . If you were to say bi-curious bat demons or bat demons that may have been confused in adolescence thats one thing . Actual Bi-sexual bat demons though. I seriously doubt it

  2. In related news, scientists announced today the creation of the male birth control pill. It consists of a two-pound clove of garlic and a pint of onion juice.

    It may not work, but in two years of testing no woman has gotten close enough to find out.

    Maybe we could get the people who believe in the witchcraft-powered bi-bat demon together with the ones who say Tinky-Winky is working for the gay agenda? They clearly have a great deal in common. Heck, maybe Ted Haggard could moderate (though upon thinking about that word “moderate”, maybe not. It’s not really what he’s good at, is it?).

  3. Silly, silly Metro. They invented a male birth control measure years ago, and introduced it stealthily to the point where still no-one has figured out the plot.

    “World of Warcraft.”

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