what cheese are you?

Who audited my cheese?

I’m sure that this question is keeping you awake nights. “Am I more nutty or dry? Fragrant or just pungent?” you doubtless mutter to the dark spaces between the stars as you lie abed, consumed with existential dread and the faint aroma of the dairy products you inadvisedly consumed in the search for knowledge, even though you are lactose intolerant.

How, O Lord! How can we go on without knowing what verdict the Online Cheese Comparator will render?

Neufchatel...but they don't tell you what happened to the other eight, eh? One word: Bluebeard.Your cheese rating is: Neufchâtel

A traditional soft, white table cheese from Normandy in France. Neufchâtel smells and tastes of mushrooms. It has a dry, velvety rind, and a grainy texture. When mature, Neufchâtel develops a bitter, salty, acrid taste.

Well fuck that ridiculous Online Cheese Comparator, then! It’s obviously completely inaccurate and can’t tell a mellow, non-fungal-scented, soft and gentle soul when it runs one through its cheese-identity-detector algorithm.


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11 thoughts on “what cheese are you?

  1. Bonjours, Mlle RegenCoaster

    Ce n’est pas l’Archie


    Le grand Fromage – c’est moy

    Le vestre servant etc

    L’Aigle Gris

  2. I’m cheesy. My cheese is ‘Edam’ : a pressed semi-hard cheese from The Netherlands. It comes in a distinctive ball shape, covered in red wax. It has a plastic texture, with a smooth, sweet taste. Edam also comes in black wax, which indicates that it has been matured for at least 17 weeks.

  3. Oh I don’t know, I think they have you pretty well down:
    You’re enfungused, smell funny … rather rotten and bitter … nutty … stop me when we get to the inaccurate bit, eh?

    As for me?

    Your cheese rating is: Stinking Bishop

    Stinking Bishop is a vegetarian cheese, made in Gloucestershire in England. It has a meaty flavour (perfect for a vegetarian cheese!), and is similar to Munster. While being made, it is rubbed and washed with Perry made from the local Stinking Bishop pears, from which it takes its name.

    Obviously a load of old cobblers, this Cheese Comparator. I am nothing like vegetarian.

  4. Pingback: extra cheese « collecting tokens

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