Vancouver International Film Festival Contest

]Vancouver International Film Festival Contest

You’ve got ONE day, Vangroover. Contest ends tomorrow.
What are you doing sitting at home when you could be at the Vancouver International Film Festival, watching movies that the nasty greedheads you know and love from Entourage never got their filthy paws on? How can you be there? Easy:

You win my contest, you get tickets. Two tickets to one of these films FOUR tix to the film of your choice. (not includig galas, not including sold out performances, not including getting the star’s phone number; you’re on your own for getting those) Simple, right?

How do you enter? You leave a tasteless joke in the Comments section right here, preferably a tasteless Hollywood joke. Or, if you can’t think of or Google a tasteless joke that nobody else has told yet, you can just leave a plain old vanilla comment. But tasteless jokes get automatic priority in my completely slanted system. Tasteless jokes featuring Cthulhu count triple!

We’re talking Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. You want to see Heath Ledger‘s last (and possibly best) movie, don’t you? Support the twisted genius of Terry Gilliam and piss off major studios while you’re at it.

We’re talking The Agony and the Ecstasy of Phil Spector. Who doesn’t want to know what twisted, murderous mania lurks under that hideous fright wig? A man who is capable of convincing himself that THAT looks good is capable of anything.

(sorry, the Beeb took down the trailer and it’s not on YouTube yet. You KNOW what you must do, little soldiers)

We’re talking Beyond the Game, World of Warcraft made actually interesting for non-WoWers. I just want to see if this can be done in the first place, really.

We’re talking…hell, just READ this:

Empire State Building Murders (France,
73 min.) <EMPIR>William Karel (The World According
to Bush) has created something entirely
new. He’s “mixed” scenes from more than 50 classic
film noir and recruited the very much alive
Kirk Douglas, Lauren Bacall, Mickey Rooney and
Cyd Charisse to play along from the point of view
of today, adding whole new layers of meaning.
Ben Gazarra leads us through this seductive maze.

I dunno about you, but frankly Ben Gazarra can lead me through a seductive maze any time. It’s Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid meets … well, every film referenced in Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. Trailer is here: Empire State Building Murders

and we are talking about The Great Contemporary Art Bubble, which is basically every story John Richardson ever wrote for Vanity Fair magazine, in documentary format. Watch Damien Hurst sell dead critters for more digits than you’re accountant has ever seen! Watch ostentatious Eurotrash frenemies air kiss in Monte Carlo auction houses! Watch…the auction audience, trying to spot the prostitutes.

Let the Great Tasteless Joke Contest for Vancouver International Film Festival Tickets begin!

44 thoughts on “Vancouver International Film Festival Contest

  1. Unfortunately, I am unable to be funny on purpose. Apparently, though, I am really funny when I get up in the morning and wonder around the house complaining and swearing, with my foot-long, curly hair spiked up and messy.

  2. I SHOULD make you post a pic, but I’m easy today. That counts as the first entry!

    Also: I shoulda read my own fine print. It’s actually FOUR tickets, to whichever film you want. If you can’t think of anything to say, tell me which film you want to see and why it is so much better than my pix. But be prepared for a fight!

  3. Here’s a bad one…

    Why doesn’t Roman Polanski play blackjack?

    …Cus he won’t hit on anything over 13.

    If that’s not the most tasteless I don’t know what is… But you asked for it…

  4. Q: What are the two biggest lies in Poland?

    A: “The check is in your mouth” and “I won’t come in the mail.”

  5. Teacher asks an inner city student to use the word ‘hotel’ in a sentence.

    He replies, “I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the Ho Tell everybody!”

    Teacher relaxes the class and asks if someone can use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence.

    Other kid replies “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”

    Class dismissed!

  6. So sad – can’t even get tasteless blonde jokes right (and I’m blond)… but wait a minute – did I just prove a point here? Oh dear….

  7. The class assignment in composition was to
    write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his.

    “Papa fell in the well last week – ” he began.

    “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs.Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

    “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

    ** I’m here all week. Try the eggplant. **

  8. The Federal Conservatives sending body bags (instead of supplies to deal with H1N1) to Aboriginal Communities.

    The BC Liberal minister who said kids can just go for a walk when questioned about cuts for sports for children.

    Pretty tasteless imho.

  9. Anderson Cooper was just reporting that the LA County Coroner’s office is releasing new information about Michael Jackson’s autopsy. Apparently it wasn’t the Propofol that killed him but food poisoning – he at 12 year old wieners.

  10. OK, I’m unable to be original, but here is a tacky one that stereotypes half of all Europeans–how is that for tasteless? Especially, when posted by someone who doesn’t believe in heaven or hell.

    In Hell…

    * the mechanics are French
    * the police are German
    * the chefs are British
    * the lovers are Swiss
    * and everything is organized by the Italians.

    In Heaven…

    * the mechanics are German
    * the chefs are French
    * the police are British
    * the lovers are Italian
    * and everything is organized by the Swiss.

    Did I mention that I really, really want those tickets and that I am willing to blatantly stalk you for them?

  11. I would really really love those tickets.

    “What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?”

    “One is white, made of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.”

  12. These are great. I honestly didn’t think anyone had a Michael Jackson joke I hadn’t heard.

    Tell Mel he’s good: Jobs is half-Muslim, half Jew. I think that makes him WASP by default?

  13. How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb In his bedroom ? Zero, light would scare the kiddies away and back to there homes.

  14. WASPS and Jews – ne’er the twain shall meet.

    OK, this one was *the* worst, I heard it a couple months ago and laughed and re-told it and felt guilty but I would dig on free tix so here goes …

    What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?

    Patrick Swayze.

    (Must now hide lest a lightning bolt strike.)

  15. Theses are horrible, HORRIBLE (said a la Mary Katherine Gallagher in Superstar). But my fave tasteless joke so far is Rachel Fox’s… she’s definitely going straight to h-e-double hockey sticks. I have nothing that can compare, so instead I’ll submit my favourite kid jokes:

    What did the Zero say to the Eight? – Nice belt!
    Where did the general put his armies? – In his sleevies!

    I <3 VIFF!

  16. I was thinking about it the other day and I’ve decided that if I ever have kids, I’m making their names two syllables or less. Something short and punchy.

    I know it’s selfish, but I really want my kids names to be something easy to moan during sex.

  17. #1) Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. Lindsay turns to the Paris and says, ” I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.” Paris replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and Paris Hilton gives Lindsay Lohan $50. Lindsay says, “I can’t accept this money. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says Paris. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

    Q. What’s O. J. Simpson’s Internet address?
    A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

    #3.)I went past a plastic surgeon’s shop the other day and saw Michael Jackson picking his nose.

    OKay..overkill I know…just one more:
    Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
    After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is
    both male and female.”
    This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
    “Well, God is both black and white.”
    This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”
    At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
    “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
    At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he
    triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”

    I LOVE VIFF!!!! ox

  18. Mr Ferguson –

    Hmm … I’m thinking that what you meant to say was that you want your kids’ names to be easy to moan for people *other than yourself*, right? Right?

    Either way, that’s a massive “Boo!” Not even a sarcastic hand clap for you,

    My jokes are way funnier, yo. I love the way 4 tickets are gonna feel in my hand, suckas!!

  19. Well, one of my personal favorites is “I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Bill – not screaming and panicking like his passengers”.

    But maybe that’s trying to be too clever. How about we go with something simple like “Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road? A: Because she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt”

  20. Did you here? Princess Diana was on the radio!!
    …And on the dashboard, and the steering wheel
    …And the windshield….

    ** This joke must be followed up by checking out this link!!!

    Tasteless but FREAKIN Hilarious!!!
    K..That is the last one I swear, the photo is the kicker!!!

  21. Rachel, thanks for assuming the best of me, but the humour of the joke (at least to me) lies in the fact that I left out the ‘for other people’ bit.

    I’m too used to being able to deliver blatant shock humour with an appropriately dirty look, so I guess something is lost in the form of online delivery.

    How’s this old gem? Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

  22. Andrew –

    Yup, online delivery is really hard to control as really, well, it’s totally dependent on the reader, isn’t it?

    Gang Rape Stats took me a second, and then by the time I got it the funny ship had already left the dock. So maybe another “boo” for you. But I will raise you a half-hearted sarcastic hand clap.

  23. Okay, okay, I made up my mind. It was really close, but DS’s topical (and tasteless) Polanski joke wins. Rachel’s Patrick Swayze was really, really close, though, and I’ll be telling it regularly around town just as soon as enough time has passed that I can pretend I made it up myself.

    Congrats to DS! I’ll get the tix sent to you if you drop me an email to raincoaster at gmail dot com.

  24. Thank You Thank You Thank You… Thought the Polanski reference would come through for me… @foxme Rachel Loved the MJ/FF/PS joke. Very tasteless… I’ll make u a deal… if you go see “At Home By Myself With You”, I’ll share my tix with ya… 2 for me, 2 for you… Paying it forward (but you have to go see that movie, otherwise no ticket sharing…)

    Thanks for the win @raincoaster…

  25. Late for the party, but I wanted to spread this around, so to speak:

    What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
    ~Acne only comes on a boy’s face after he hits puberty.

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