The Vegan Anthem: a challenge and war cry!

First, some motivational music. Preeeeeee-senting the Arrogant Worms performing their breakout hit (Arrogant Worm nerds: no backtalk, please) Carrot Juice is Murder. Stolen from Seismic Twitch, and cross-posted in a couple of days to TeenyManolo. Lyrics over the jump, philosophical thesis statement, below.

And now, to the debate.

I’d like to introduce as a concept the proposition that quality of life impingements can be a justification for euthanasia. Now, I’m just saying that it is widely accepted that, if one’s quality of life were to decline to a point at which one could not move freely, think clearly, or make oneself understood with the inherent dignity which is humankind’s birthright, a painless form of euthanasia is an option which the majority of people believe should be made available to one within the framework of the law.

Example: Britney Spears.

Evil Pumpkin

Furthermore, I would like to suggest that, as we exterminate zombies not so much because they are zombies but rather as a tribute to the vast gap between who they are now and the humans that they once were, so, too, we should look at the principle of falling-somewhat-short-of-humanity as it applies to other life forms, such as vegetables.

They’re vegetables.

There, I said it.

Not only are they vegetables, but they have no hope of becoming anything else within their lifetimes, free-roaming creative raw foodists who are dab hands with a smoothie notwithstanding.


We should do our part. We should find the vegetables, wherever they are, and we should put them out of their suffering. We should do it now.

Animals, on the other hand, have no difficulty moving around and comporting themselves with greater elan than your typical celebutard. Like the inspirational blogger BeastFeaster, sworn to consume 52 species of the Animal Kingdom in 52 weeks, I’m switching to a renewable flesh-based diet. Perhaps I shall consume only limbs amputated on the field of battle, as a kind of recycling initiative.

Meat: the responsible choice. the moral choice. the only choice.

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Carrot Juice Is Murder

Listen up brothers and sisters,
come hear my desperate tale.
I speak of our friends of nature,
trapped in the dirt like a jail.

Vegetables live in oppression,
served on our tables each night.
This killing of veggies is madness,
I say we take up the fight.

Salads are only for murderers,
coleslaw’s a fascist regime.
Don’t think that they don’t have feelings,
just cause a radish can’t scream.

I’ve heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (having their insides revealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (burning off calories)
How do you think that feels (bet it hurts really bad)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (and that’s a real crime)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (let my vegetables go)
It’s time to stop all this gardening (it’s dirty as hell)
Let’s call a spade a spade (is a spade is a spade is a spade)

I saw a man eating celery,
so I beat him black and blue.
If he ever touches a sprout again,
I’ll bite him clean in two.

I’m a political prisoner,
trapped in a windowless cage.
Cause I stopped the slaughter of turnips
by killing five men in a rage

I told the judge when he sentenced me,
This is my finest hour,
I’d kill those farmers again
just to save one more cauliflower

How low as people do we dare to stoop,
Making young broccolis bleed in the soup?
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes
Let potted plants free, don’t mash that potato!

I’ve heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
Watching their skins being peeled (fates in the stir-fry are sealed)
Grated and steamed with no mercy (you fat gourmet slob)
How do you think that feels? (leave them out in the field)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (V8’s genocide)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (yes, your composts are graves)
It’s time to stop all this gardening (take up macramé)
Let’s call a spade a spade (is a spade, is a spade, is a spade, is a spade…


5 thoughts on “The Vegan Anthem: a challenge and war cry!

  1. Is this the way its set up now R I can`t see whats going on somehow, sorry .
    I don`t think we should have euthenasia , oh no . The plutocrats get to live on their stockpile of unearned realestate and then drift gently into the long night . Sod that . They can work until they drop in Camps set aside in Sea-side towns , they`ll like that , give the miserable fuckers something to moan about. Should cheer them up/….

    ( Did you knwo they have sex ….eeeoo)

  2. I had heard that, newmania. Eeeew. I don’t think we should have euthanasia either. What do you think God would say to a practitioner? “Hey, I wasn’t done with those yet!”

    Metro, I had no idea there was a whole movement involved. I shall join immediately.

  3. Pingback: Business as Usual « raincoaster

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