blog fodder made easy: how to write epics!

We’ve all been there: When you open the Write Post page, the void looks also into you.

Here is the quick and dirty version of how to feed your blog on a majah scale: with EPICS! Who doesn’t like epics? They’re epic! Epically epic!

First: you need a setting. Rip one off from an existing epic and call it une hommage. We’ve got BiblicalBabylonianCarolingianArthurianGangsterianBeat Generationianand Space Operaamong others. Look at your (comic)bookshelf and pick one.

I’ve got The Book of Murderso Chicago in the Twenties, here I come!

Now you’ll need characters, several of them. Just try to write an epic without any character! We call that a Livejournal.

‘Nuff said.

Now, if you get both the characters and the setting from the same epic, what you’ve got is a retelling (we call it “retelling” or “reworking of the archetype,” we do not call it a “ripoff” for that makes our lawyers quite defensive and we just can’t deal with that right now). And we’re not writing How To Write A Retelling here, are we? We’re talking about writing a brand-new epic! So you’ve got to steal your setting and your characters from, and this is the key, different epics, or even one epic and one Symbolist poem or one epic and an old radio drama or something. That could be good. They had the best hair on those old radio dramas.

If you still can’t find any characters you like, we recommend stealing them from this handy-dandy Characters for an Epic Tale chart from Tom Gauld (via Edenborough).

Epic Characters for an epic tale

As for plot, just use one of these ready-made plot generators. Don’t say we never did nuthin for ya.

If you find your well running dry even so, just have a man come through the door with a gun OR add bo stick wielding flying cephalopod ninjas. Everyone loves the big squids! After that, who cares how you wind it up as long as the hero ends up with the girl and the villain escapes to cause sequels another day?

Flying Octopian ninjas

And, most importantly, it is a truth universally acknowledged that in the online world, every epic blog post must contain a direct link to

add to : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : Digg it : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine : : : TailRank : post to facebook

23 thoughts on “blog fodder made easy: how to write epics!

  1. I envy your blogging style, your Highness. No one can compare to your witty words. I’d love to see you write an epic tale. I’ll add this to my “things I’d like to do, but probably never will” list.

    Hey.. that gives me an idea. I need to track stuff like that on blist.

    Obviously, if I manage to write an epic, you’ll get more than a link. ;-)

  2. LOTGK, you should write a treatment; you could easily sell that to Hollywood.

    abbydonkrafts, thank you. I will write an epic tale just as soon as someone gives me an advance for it.

    What’s blist?

  3. Why am I on that chart? I never received royalties from Epic Tale Productions, Inc…Scandalous.

    The key character in this particular epic tale, is, of course, the monkey. When in doubt it’s always the monkey.

  4. Archie, you got rescued.

    Necromancer, what can I say? You’re just an epic character, to be used freely.

    I thought when it doubt it was always the butler?

  5. is a new startup that calls itself “the world’s easiest database”. I think it’s more like a spreadsheet, though. But, unlike Google Spreadsheets and the like that use AJAX, this one is a Flash application. So, it actually works in my browser (Opera 9). Also, it’s faster than the AJAX ones.

    I’m taking advantage of the newness by posting in the forums (only 84 users and 103 posts so far) with bug reports and suggestions. I get really fast response time because of the lack of users. :-D

    I’m using an online spreadsheet app so I can work with them from either home or work.

  6. You know, I’m lazy enough to actually do that. So for my epic it’s knife-fighting monkeys in a teahouse in Chicago in the Twenties. Should be interesting.

  7. Dont you wish I were? Why do you ask that? She would not seek it. It cost eight million dollars. She looked at him, not understanding. What can any one person do? Who is supporting you now? I have seen so much, since.

  8. Nialdlye shook out her hand as though it would help the creeping sensation to fade. Another, smaller, band of rogues was being watched in a different part of the city. Is the casting of this spell anything like the one that changes women to raedjour? The information had been followed by a lecture from Irin on how selfish she was. Then she opened her eyes. Rocks and debris filled them still, but she had done what shed come to do. Her truemate startled, his wide red eyes blinking as he slowly came to her meaning. She looked to Eyrhaen as Hyle sat up, guarded hope in her eyes. These people still loved her, even if she no longer believed she deserved it. This felt right, and she was here cutting out her soul anyway. They wanted her to bleed? Stubbornly, she refused to cower into the wall behind her. She found her own breath finally, staring up at him. Whimpering softly, she opened her mouth, but he went no further. She rolled her hips so his shaft rubbed her opening. She ended up draped over his chest, her cheek resting over his heartbeat. Except that she is not a goddess and could not have maintained such power. I was, for all intents and purposes, dead for an endless time. There should be more of you in this world. He wrapped strong arms about her waist, crushing her against him as he stood.

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