The Solution for the Zeta Male Dilemma

Or is that “The Dilemma of Zetality?” Something like that, for sure.

Yes, here via SondraKiStanUSA and AgentBedhead comes the solution for the heartbreaking loneliness that is the sad fate of millions of loveless basement-dwelling males.

Imaginary Girlfriends

The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always protected.

And check out some of the profiles:

Jenniferread more
Age 20
From London, England
Our long-distance relationship will seem completely believable… the fact that it isn’t real will be our little secret!

Imaginary Girlfriend Service:
Personalized Letters Photos
E-Mails Online Chat

So much cheaper than the real thing! And you never have to leave Mom’s basement. Unlike an icky old RealDoll, there’s never any suspicious-looking packaging involved, nor any sticky surfaces to clean!

Except the underside of the desk, of course.

Oh, wait! They’re hiring! I think I sense an opportunity!

Writers wanted:

5PM Interactive and are seeking creative, fun-loving women to join us! If you’re over 18, love to write and welcome the opportunity to earn extra cash, consider joining our site as an Imaginary Girlfriend. ..

We’re looking for someone who can provide an authentic long-distance girlfriend experience with a minimum of actual interaction. [awesome; this is exactly what I always look for in a relationship!] … Of course no actual romantic relationships are involved and you will never be encouraged to be a real life girlfriend in any situation.

Seriously, this sounds like TOTALLY MY THING. I’ve been a real girlfriend, and frankly there are roles in this world which suit me better, if you must know. Like accountant.

If you turn your nose up at the very idea of a virtual girlfriend, think for a moment what happens when one of these prime specimens lumbers out of his subterranian den in search of a mate.

How a Nerd Picks Up a Girl (or if I’m any judge, how he fails to do so) from Coffee&Biscuits is a list of pickup lines going around Facebook. Now you know why I’m not Facebookish.

Some samples:

  • How about I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?
  • Nice set of floppies!
  • The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of years, but you won’t know the volume of mine until tonight.

and the probably WordPress-specific:

  • You had me at “Hello World”

34 thoughts on “The Solution for the Zeta Male Dilemma

  1. Why not? If you can buy a Real Doll to have a fake sex life with it, why not fake it all the way online? The two should advertise on each others’ sites.

  2. I wonder if they are equal opportunity employers…? I mean if it’s all virtual, how would the customer know it was a man writing in a woman’s voice…?

  3. Ah, that explains it but also allows for easy solutions to the gender problem. I mean, photoshop has some pretty cool features! My husband is looking for work and is a great writer….

    By the way, my sister and I had a good laugh last night about this ad. She suggested that she and I AND my husband all sign up to be writers so we can make enough dough to buy a summer cabin in Maine. She lives in Los Angeles and I’m in Massachusetts, so we keep dreaming about summers in lovely, cool Maine. Anyway, we cracked up. Long distance girlfriend, indeed!

  4. I’m not sure you could make that much from THIS site, but you could start a rival site. These guys claim you could make “up to $300” I think it was. You’d need to really whore yourself out at that rate, if it’s per boyfriend. But then, I don’t know how fast you type.

    Personally, I feel Zeta males have too damn much money in the first place, and they’re not going out and spending it. Add at LEAST one zero, and make it renewable every three months, with a discount for paying for a whole year in advance.

  5. Actually, we should get Stiletto to manage it. She knows CSS, she has budget skills, she’s got the connections, and with her picture on the front page of the site we’d be inundated with customers.

  6. Oh! it would be fun to create imaginary girls for real boys! But – if the rival site hasn’t been updated in three years, how can we judge whether it’s a success or not?

    Don’t you think after all this time the boys have figured out that one’s hand is cheaper and less work?

  7. But it will never tell them how handsome and manly they are. I’m telling you; the reason this site hasn’t been updated is the owners are off spending their billions in Acapulco and Bali!

  8. I told my sister that we’d be good at this job because we could nag the guys just like REAL girlfriend’s do:

    “Don’t forget to send your mother a card — Sunday’s Mother’s Day.”

    “Did you change the water in the fish tank yet…? It was looking pretty gross, ya know.”

    “Why haven’t you applied for that job in Dallas yet? It’s a good opportunity. You shouldn’t sell yourself short.”

    What do ya think? ;-)

    Okay, probably not what they had in mind.

  9. “I told my sister that we’d be good at this job because we could nag the guys just like REAL girlfriend’s do:

    “Don’t forget to send your mother a card — Sunday’s Mother’s Day.”

    “Did you change the water in the fish tank yet…? It was looking pretty gross, ya know.”

    “Why haven’t you applied for that job in Dallas yet? It’s a good opportunity. You shouldn’t sell yourself short.””

    Gah! Sounds more like a “real wife experience!”

  10. Stil, if you are serious I am serious. I’d have a BLAST doing this. And I don’t think I’m the only one. And I could get us some blogosphere coverage of Imaginary Girlfriends or Pretend Friends or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I could probably get it mentioned in sites that would generate a few hundred hits a day within a couple of weeks, and grow from there.

    Charge MORE for the “Real Wife” experience. Boot Camp costs more than regular gym, right?

  11. Ok, let me do this. Let me SOBER up first! This is exciting, but overwhelming! Let me do more research. I have a busy three days ahead and then, no life after = plenty of time!

    BTW, wish you could be here…went ought and bought a bottle of each: Van Gogh chocolate vodka, raspberry Vox, Grand Marnier, and Bailey’s Irish Cream, and a bottle of red wine!

    You know, I’m seeing a gay angle here. Gays have money, right? Don’t they love fantasy worlds?

  12. Hmmm…real wife, huh? Yeh, I can see what you mean. I guess I’ve been one of them for too long and have forgotten what it’s like to be a girlfriend….

    I saw a show once about how these guys were traveling to Russia to find a wife. Maybe there IS a market for “virtual wives.”

    Sounds like fun. Do keep me posted!

  13. Well, here’s the problem. Men like sex, men NEED sex. You can’t make love to virtual wives. Can you?

    It might be best to tap into guys who are already attached and want a fantasy life way from their real girlfriends and wives, those who will simply thrive off cheating without sex involved.

    Then maybe it won’t feel like cheating!

  14. No, VDGirls would certainly send the wrong message!

    I think the gay angle is promising. We could market faghags! “Get your own virtual Charlotte, only $25 per month!” or whatever. I have LOTS of experience at being a hag.

    Or, for closeted gays, we could be the “girlfriend who moved to Africa with the peace corps” when his mother asks.

    Sounds like you had quite a party. Alas, I just sat here and struggled with my computer.

  15. “Or, for closeted gays, we could be the ‘girlfriend who moved to Africa with the peace corps’ when his mother asks.”

    That is just plain brilliant. :-)

  16. OOOO, I got another idea… the virtual jealous girlfriend to help get rid of unwanted attentions. Or to attract interest. That might work, too. Hmmm.

  17. Oh yes, definitely. Bigger market, more fun for us. The only thing is, we will have to have a spreadsheet so we don’t forget if we’re supposed to be the domineering, jealous Selina with Fred or Karen, the gentle kindergarten teacher.

  18. U B Fished.

    Yes, I never for a moment had any doubt there were people stupid enough to join our site. Lolebrity hit 1200 hits today, and there’s still an hour to go before stats close for the day.

  19. The solution for the zeta male is keep doing what he is doing and not worry about garbage like this as it is a waste of time. This is like paying a prostitute except you don’t get what you paid for, or it’s like throwing money at a stripper at a strip club.

    It’s just another ploy to condition men to believe that they are lonely and pathetic and that they need some kind of companionship.

  20. This article is a classic example of how threatened society is by Zeta males. For thousands of years, it paternalised and infantalised woman as bearers of uteruses, and reduced men to disposable roles of protector and provider, whilst using men’s sexuality (oh and as an aside, to let the dirty little secret out of the bag, women want sex just as much as men do) as a weapon to socially control and condition men. This can be seen in the way the 30 year old male virgin is mocked, while the phrase “women civilise men” is regarded as a pearl of wisdom.

    The fact is that Alpha Males, Beta Males and Omega Males all have one thing in common- they define themselves and are defined by society, entirely around their ability to provide, their ability to protect and their sexual prowess. In short, they are slaves to the system.

    Those of us who are Zeta males reject defining our identity around women completely. We may well be married, we may be in a relationship or we may be single, but we don’t need a woman to define us or complete us and we refuse to let whether a woman is in our lives define who we are.

    However because of that – we are a threat to female privilege and because of the insidious nature of female privilege, we don’t sit well with the unthinking majority of women or men in society. We wont be protectors for women just because of what is between their legs and our legs and we wont be providers because of what’s between their legs and our legs; deep down that throws both unthinking men and unthinking women for a loop.

    Contrary to this author’s misconceptions, there is no dilemma – we don’t need a woman to make us happy- we just need to accept ourselves for who we are and love ourselves for who we are; our ability to provide, ability to protect, our sexual prowess and whether they land us a woman, are irrelevant.

    In fact the truth is that the dilemma here is for the rest of society – namely for women, how to come to terms with the fact that our universes will never revolve around you simply because you have a vagina between your legs; namely for men, how to come to terms with the fact that we shine a light on how defining your self image by your penis and utilitarian value has resulted in your self-image and existence being incredibly hollow.

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