Quiz: how long could you survive chained to a bunkbed with a velociraptor?

From Bunkbeds, probably the coolest sales site I’ve ever seen. Because why? Because hellOOOOOO, what other children’s furniture site offers hawt, bleeding edge internet quiz goodness like How Long Could You Survive Chained To A Bunkbed With A Velociraptor? Eh? I ask you.

The Ground Rules

  • Both you and the raptor are tethered to the bunk bed with 7 foot chains
  • The chains are unbreakable and cannot be removed from the bunk bed
  • The bunk bed is light enough that you can drag it a little
  • You are free to run around the bed or get on the top bunk

Try and outlast me, gentle readers! I make that velociraptor my bitch for a full minute and nineteen juicy seconds!

I could survive for 1 minute, 19 seconds chained to a bunkbed with a velociraptor.

via Cvxn

38 thoughts on “Quiz: how long could you survive chained to a bunkbed with a velociraptor?

  1. BFD. Chained to a bed with a pile of rocks resembling a turkey that used to be a velociraptor? I’d have enough time to dismantle the bed and walk away. Work on getting the chain off later.

    If it was alive? Gimme a break. It’s a turkey with teeth.

  2. A live velociraptor is a bonus. With the rules being that the chains cannot be broken, and the bed cannot be disassembled, you’re screwed unless you can drag the BUNKbed, chains outside to water. You’ll die of thirst within 4-5 days WITHOUT the beast.

    Since the beast wants to get away as bad as you do, it’s scared. You throttle the velociraptor by hand or with the chain, drink the blood, and eat the carcass sporadically over the next couple of weeks while you work on dragging the unbreakable chain and the undissassemblable BUNKbed out into the open to find help and more water.

    Oh yeah. You wanted it based on the survey thingy. Sorry. 1 minute 32 seconds.

  3. This is a point! I figure you could trap that thing’s chain by toppling the bunkbeds over on it, getting it all tangled. Then break it’s scrawny little lizardy neck. While punching it in the velociballs.

  4. I’m feeling much better about my 1 minute and three seconds, given the showing of some others of my age range. But I still figure you’d bleed out pretty quickly when your arm was ripped off. Unless the velociraptor left enough of a stump to get a tourniquet on.

  5. Archie– The Rules state that “The chains are unbreakable and cannot be removed from the BUNKbed,” but if you were able to disassemble the BUNKbed, then the chains could be removed. Therefore the BUNKbed cannot be disassembled.

  6. No, if you were to disembowel, I mean disassemble the bunkbed, it wouldn’t be a bunkbed anymore, it would be a pile of sticks. You can remove chains from the pile of sticks.

  7. 1:06

    Of course in reality I know better and plan accordingly. I’m always armed around bunkbeds, those fuckers are malicous.

  8. Pingback: How long could you survive chained to a bunkbed with a velociraptor? « Ærchies Archive - The Curmudgeon’s Magazine

  9. Metro–

    I don’t quite get it. If you’re, um, asking that I, uh, NOPE. NOT GONNA GO THERE.

    Even in life and death scenarios, some of us have ethics, and I don’t intend to do what you seem to suggest. A clean shove might distract the velociraptor just long enough for me to figure out the best plan of attack. Assuming you survive, your wounds will heal, and you’ll come out as a hero.

  10. I know women Metro has had sex with, and not one of them would get between him and a velociraptor as far as I can tell. But then…I have no information about Bunk’s exes. Republicans have startlingly Libertarian tendencies when personal danger is involved.

  11. Ah, if you spray them with hairspray it immobilizes them and then you can toss them outside while they’re paralyzed. It’s like the petrificus totalis spell from harry Potter, only without the magic part.

  12. Excepting the misspelled contraction, I believe that a group of vaginas is properly called “a barleycorn,” and not “a bunch.” I’m proud to be a barleycorn.

    Please pass the word on to little Master Dickless so he doesn’t soil his crinolines unnecessarily.

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