Kittens and Hearts!

Kittens and hearts and pink! Oh my!

Kittens and hearts and pink! Oh my!

Oscar Wilde, who said everything of note that neither George Bernard Shaw nor Fran Lebowitz said, once said something very, very wise. Something everyone on Facebook would do well to note. He once said:

We all have terrible friends. We are all, each of us, someone’s terrible friend.

Word, Brother.

My terrible friend is, as is their way, a lovely person. A lovely person who complains she never hears from me, when she herself emails  me all the time. You get these emails too; for all I know, you’re on the CC list. I’m on the CC list with about 40 other people, of which not one of whom I’ve ever heard in my life. I’m just in the L to Z group.

The emails themselves are rich in kittens, hearts, prayers, questionnaires, the colour pink, animated gifs, and Comic Sans.

They primarily originate as virus-spreading viral media in Bulgarian Master’s programs. So, whenever I get an email from her with the heading “YOU MUST READ THIS!!!1!!” “THinKiNG of yOu” etc, I know not to even bother opening it.

The question then becomes, when I think of her, what’s an appropriate response? A bouquet of flowers to which she’s powerfully allergic, but doesn’t realize it? A box full of bedbugs? A free membership to 4Chan? Should I sign her up for every two-bit Social Media Guru newsletter out there (who has the TIME? maybe I should subcontract the job to India?) because it’s “ESSENTIAL READING”?

Internet, please hurry with your answers: her birthday’s coming up fast!

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10 thoughts on “Kittens and Hearts!

  1. Hey! Thanks for my Valentine’s Day Profile Pic! Send her the never ending crotch of Hasselhoff with some sort of embedding so that it is the only screen saver that works for her unless she wipes her whole system. Or so it takes over her system everytime the words “you must forward this to xx people in 15 minutes”

  2. Brilliant post.

    Sadly no suggestions though, except a copy of ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ and a full size poster of Delores Umbridge?

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