Vacation Destination News: Abortionplex!

Charlie and the Chocolate factory have a lot to answer for

Charlie and the Chocolate factory have a lot to answer for

Ah, our liberal triumph is nearly complete! All we need to do now is overthrow the banking industry, the monarchy, the government…yep, we’re almost there.

Because, at last, we’ve got our own theme park. As well-respected internet source The Onion reports, America’s Abortionplex has opened, to worldwide acclaim.

The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption. Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives.

The remaining space is dedicated to amenities such as coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater—features intended not only to help clients relax, but to foster a sense of community and make abortion more of a social event.

“We really want abortion to become a regular part of women’s lives, especially younger women who have enough fertile years ahead of them to potentially have dozens of abortions,” said Richards, adding that the Abortionplex would provide shuttle service to and from most residences, schools, and shopping malls in the region. “Our hope is for this facility to become a regular destination where a woman in her second trimester can whoop it up at karaoke and then kick back while we vacuum out the contents of her uterus.”

Bring the whole family in a station wagon! And maybe leave in that MG convertible that you’d have been able to afford before now if it weren’t for your cursed fecundity!

These are obviously disgruntled Mommybloggers who didn't get freebies and are bitter about it

These are obviously disgruntled Mommybloggers who didn't get freebies from the Abortionplex and are bitter about it

But is it FUN? How’s the service? and the ambiance? When I’m selecting a spot for a little D&C action, the vibe is important to me.

Let’s check Yelp, America’s pretentiously subliterate answer to trained and qualified critics, shall we?


Ask for Lenny at the basement level reception desk. He’ll hook you up with an employee discount at their gift shop, and you might even get a chance to perform an abortion yourself.
Abortion can be enjoyed in many ways, and if you’re feeling particularly low, go ahead and get your suction on. AND THEY PROVIDE FREE NACHOS AND MOJITOS DURING THE PROCEDURE!
What more could you ask for?
For a more interesting experience, you can ask Lenny for the “Authentic” package. For a small fee you can march down the corridor to the operation theater while paid actors scream things like “Baby-killer” and “Murderer” at the top of their lungs while waving giant posters of aborted fetuses in your face.
After you’re all done you get a plaque saying “I performed an abortion at Abortionplex” with a picture of you in all your bloody glory.
This is a perfect way to dabble in the medical field without all the studying. You probably want to call in advance and make a reservation because it’s summer now and all the tourists want to do is abort, abort, abort.

I like the fetus shaped jellybeans at the gift shop. The raspberry-lemon flavor is to DIE for.

I took off one star because their coffee is too expensive. 6 dollars for 8 ounces of mediocre brew? It’s a rip-off.

What are you still doing here? Go and add your own review. If you’re AA Gill, this goes DOUBLE!

14 thoughts on “Vacation Destination News: Abortionplex!

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  3. I may be at risk of pushing the ‘bad taste’ envelope here, but is there a height restriction on this ride….?

  4. FFE, nice one. Or rather, extremely tasteless. Just what I like!

    gitwizard, I’m surprised at you. Surely by now you know our Bad Taste Envelope here is all-encompassing.

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  8. Well…. you’re half right, she’s only 15.
    But we are looking far into the future!

    *phew! Did I get away with that*
    *where’s that envelope?*

  9. Oh, my gosh! I was just laughing so hard, I scared my cat! This was great!

    I love the Onion. Sadly, I once sent a co-worker an Onion article, and she thought it was serious. She was so indignant, I didn’t know how to tell her it was satire.

    Definitely a bit tasteless, but funny!

  10. Actually, that’s not the Onion,although it all started as a joke there. It’s really on Yelp. They now have 295 reviews: go on and add your own!

    You don’t need co-workers to take the Onion seriously: you can just watch Fox News, which regularly reports this kind of thing.

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