For the Haters

On the Interwebz, you’re nobody till somebody hates you, so OccupyVancouver shouldn’t take to heart the recent emergence of a parody twitter stream, 0ccupyvancouver (with a zero, and how! not an o; this humourless git probably never had an O in his life without his mother in the room).

To call it a humour-challenged account is to understate the case to a positively injunctable extent; it’s so bad that it had four followers when I saw it this afternoon, and about eight hours later it was down to three. That’s no doubt its mother, uncledaddy, and sisterwife.

Strangely, they have a platform that I think we can all support:


OccupyHaters should OccupyAGoddamShirt

Indeed, it seems that the more haters hate, the more they work themselves into a corner, a corner whose only way out is acknowledging that when it comes to Poutine, we are all one. Peace out, bitches, pwned ya!

The Leafs thing, though: that has to go. Leaf Fandom is the least rational, least justifiable fandom of all time and space. I realize we are dealing with the developmentally impaired here. Fortunately, that these people side with chronic losers the Toronto Maple Leafs AND the 1% seems to me to send a clear message: like calls to like, faithful readers, and it doesn’t take Godel, Escher or Bach do to the math on this. Leaf Fans = 1% sympathizers means the 1% are DOOMED.


But everyone loves poutine.

What to do with haters? Turn the other cheek?

With all due respect, my brothers and sisters of the movement, fuck that shit.

  1. It’s no fun
  2. Lying down for bullies sets a bad example; no-one is morally obligated to allow good people to be victimized, including themselves
  3. Peaceful resistance is defined by engaging with minds and hearts expressed in words and not fists
  4. Did I mention it’s no fun?

That’s the spirit!

Haters have their uses, if you’re not afraid to use them.

For one thing, when the official Twitter stream isn’t very talky, the haters keep OccupyVancouver on the social media radar. Their focus is hate, their preferred tool is twisting our own words, and they frankly suck at it, so what they’re doing is rt’ing a lot of our positive press, and appending it with “This SUX! RAWWR, EdHardyFan ANGRY!” which is just exactly as effective as you’d think.

But wait, there’s more.

The more spittle-flecked rage they can put in writing, the better the movement looks. It’s impossible to engage in hating, which is essentially reactionary, and control the debate.

Julian Assnge says Deal With It

Julian Assnge says Deal With It

This puts them in approximately the position of a sitting duck for freelance troll-bashers like myself. It’s okay, kids, we’re professionals! Don’t try this at home or with an official organizational account on Twitter, Facebook, etc, but as a free individual I can say things to haters that the official account couldn’t.

Things like: You eat your mother out with that mouth?

That got one hater off Twitter entirely for DAYS afterwards. Probably ran straight to his mother, actually.

So, for freelance troll-bashers such as myself, here are a few pithy weapons for the war of words on social media, if you find that your style doesn’t QUITE encompass the above italic. Remember to use shortened URLs when rickrolling people or sending them to some site designed to psych them out, like this one.

That should stick them with the bill for a new laptop (after they spew coffee all over theirs) and a new chair, not to mention new undies and pants. It’s the little things that mean so much, I find.

More fun images:

Julian Assange says Bitch Please

Julian Assange says Bitch Please and I'd do anything he asked, TWICE if he said please

Then there’s this one, suitable for use on haters so dumb they can’t even watch tv without their lips moving:

Julian Assange says OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Julian Assange says OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

And of course, the classic:

Haters Gonna Hate! Julian Assange and Me

Haters Gonna Hate! Julian Assange and Me

Remember, you’re nobody till somebody’s sent you a death threat!

If you’re not an AssangeFancier, try this one:

Haters Gonna Hate!

Haters Gonna Hate! Hatters Gonna Hat!

Or, for those anal Ass Burgers, a little absurdity:

Mouse with French Horn sez Ur Argewment Iz Invalid

Mouse with French Horn sez Ur Argewment Iz Invalid

If you want to shut down a total wanker, use the following, but ONLY WITH CAUTION:

Hungover Owl has had enough and is TELLING YOU THINGS

Hungover Owl has had enough and is TELLING YOU THINGS

A handy video roundup; choose your favorite according to your personal style.

Charlie Brownish, for the snoringly loquacious :

ChiChi La Rue doing Ru Paul’s Don’t Be Jealous of My Boogie, especially good for deployment on homophobes.

and, for when you need the big guns, this is probably the most impressive thing you can POSSIBLY lay on them, so deploy with care. Not to be used for simple drive-by ridicules, this should be the final blow in the honey trap.

3 thoughts on “For the Haters

  1. willie benign at raincoaster told the most heart rending story about a playful badger being plugged by the scout master. i vote for the badger. thanks. who are you? i am a luddite and this whole site looks daunting but interesting like another planet might. i have been in the woods with lots of bears a couple times with a gun and with a grizzlies without. guns make you cocky. bears respect, respect.

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