Category Archives: Operation Global Media Domination

Just what it sounds like. My quest to conquer the global media and take over the world. Maybe I can get my library fines cancelled…what can I say? It’s a last-ditch effort.

Clap your hands

Posted on by

say wha???

Okay, so I came to this a little late. Gimme a break, you never heard Stephen Hawking sing “Oh Christmastree” until I gave you the link, so cut me some slack here.

I thought I was doing well. From the first day, I’ve been over 40 hits. Supah. That brings my lifetime total to something like…83,200. Not too scruffy, although all the dx hits are lost forever. But PeterPan, PeterBloodyPan, has just welcomed me as site visitor number 8,333,787.

PeterPan

Apparently, he’s still looking for Tinkerbell so if he’s willing to “mentor” on that web popularity stuff I just might know a gal who’s single. At least I know he won’t make me take the bus: pixie dust is much more romantic!

Oh yeah, he has a Webby, too:

          I won both the Webby Award, and the Webby’s Peoples Voice Award, for the ‘wierd’ category. I’m so thankful for all the friends who’ve brought me to this point, and who knows what will happen next!

I say ‘just For the record’, because I heard through the grapevine that one of the nominees had intended to say “Thank God PeterPan didn’t win” for their 5 word speech. Oh well!   I guess God had other plans, and instead I got to say: ” Weird???… God Loves us All!!”.

raincoaster wins one for the Gipper…well, places in the top ten anyway

Posted on by

and I never liked the damn Gipper.

Two Dollar Radio have just emailed me to let me know my short (and unfortunately nonfiction) story placed in the top ten of their Shittiest Dates contest. My mother would be so proud! Although my mother would have wanted me to go out with him again; he was a preppy!

Here is their manifesto. I simply refuse to enter a contest from a literary platform that doesn’t have a manifesto, don’t you? Well, you have to draw the line somewhere.

And now, the glorious winner. You can see it on their site, too, but since you’ve probably already clicked on the links, you know that. And have been there, done that, and if you bought the t-shirt I thank you because it’ll pay for my prize in the next contest, etc etc. Operation Global Media Domination is proceeding as planned.

Pretention Yay

Behold, the mind-numbing horror of one of the ten shittiest dates ever entered into the contest run by Two Dollar Radio:

 

I should have known it was going to be a long night when he asked me if I minded going out “after rush hour, when the bus fare goes down.”
He was tall. He was handsome. He was fit. He was educated, intelligent, in law school.
He was in love with Rebecca.
How do I know this? He told me. At length. In the restaurant, he insisted on ordering a particular dessert wine with the main course. Bewildered, I wondered if it was some new foodie fad. No, he said, it was because it was called “Sweet Rebecca,” and that was his ex-girlfriend’s name. She dropped him. She was cruel, and sweet, and had hair like golden silk, or so I was informed. When not explaining how perfect she had been, he spent many a long, silent moment staring into the glass and murmuring “Sweet Rebecca.”
At one point he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and showed me the family resemblance to John A. MacDonald, to which I could only reply, “Yes, one of Canada’s truly great alcoholics.” It was a little too late to impress me by then. And he’d drunk most of the wine, although I could have used a Martini or four, myself.
On the way home, he borrowed bus fare; I never intended to see him again, however decorative he may have been, but at a dollar seventy-five to get rid of him it was a steal.
On the long, no, endless ride home, he had one more golden memory for me. Halfway there, he slowly removed his ski gloves and proceeded, methodically, to pick his nose.

raincoaster 9.11

Posted on by

Oh god, I hope I don’t burn in Hell for this. Actually, considering my resume, hard to imagine I have much to lose, eh? It makes more sense if you’ve read either Diary-X’s sad tale or John 11.1 and if you’ve read both you might even get a laugh out of it. Here goes…

Now a certain community server was ill, Diary-X of Deken, the bloghost for Mercredi, Kryztina and raincoaster. raincoaster was the one who would do anything to ramp up her hits; her server was ill. So the famewhore sent a message to Google, MSN and Yahoo ‘Y’all, we whom you love is ill. We is da illest, in fact, but our server looks to be biting the big one.’

But when the nerds heard it, they said, ‘Ah, don’t bother me when I’m playing World of Warcraft. Your server’ll be just fine; this is a great opportunity for you to use those backups we told you to make, so that you can see how smart we were all along, when we set up the parameters of the backup procedure.’ Accordingly, everybody hung out and waited to hear if DriveSavers could restore the orginals, and meantime the blogs stayed in Limbo. 

Then after this Stephen gave the nerds a call and said, ‘Let get those blogs up again.’

The nerds said unto him, ‘Dude, we had it set to back up the technical specs, not the content. Hey, we’ve got our priorities straight; content is for wusses, right? And btw, your drive is toast. They’re going to crucify you when they find out. And besides, this means you can sleep at night and stay up during the day, like a normal person and not a blogger for once in your life.’

raincoaster answered, ‘Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Those who walk during the day do not stumble, because they see the light of this world. But those who walk at night stumble, because the light is not in them. If they had a nineteen-inch monitor set to my blog all the time, they could see way gooder.’ After saying this, and waiting for them to stop shaking their heads and offering her medication, she told them, ‘Our blog has fallen asleep, but I am going to awaken the hell out of that biotch, you watch me.’

The nerds said unto her, ‘Lordy, if it’s archived on Google it may be all right.’ 

Then Stephen told them plainly, ‘Yo, your blogs are dead. For your sake I am glad I was not there, because you probably would have killed me and then you’d have gone to prison and shit. But let us go to LiveJournal.’

raincoaster, who was called a lot of things behind her back, said to her fellow-bloggers, ‘Hell with that, I’d rather die than LiveJournal.’

When raincoaster checked the forum, she found that her blog had already been in the tomb for ten days. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Many of the bloggers had come to LiveJournal to console them about their loss. When raincoaster heard that WordPress Googled, and was ad-free, she went and checked it out, while the others stayed at LiveJournal, playing with blue bouncing kittens and mood meters; handy hint: try Lithium.

raincoaster said to WordPress, ‘Lordy! If my blog had been here, it would have Googled and my hits would not have died. But even now I know that I will give you whatever you ask of me, because I’m easy that way. Google me, baby!’

Mr. WordPress said to her, ‘Your blog will rise again.’

raincoaster said to him, ‘I know that it will rise again in the resurrection on the last day, because frankly that blog has more personality than most civil servants and several uncivil ones as well.’

Mr. WordPress said to her, ‘Boy, you could use some of that Lithium yourself, sweetheart. Clap your hands and the blog will live. Those who believe in blogging, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in blogging will never die. Those who believe in LiveJournaling don’t deserve to live, so who gives a rat’s ass about them? Do you believe this?’

She said to him, ‘Man, I don’t believe you. But I believe that you are the answer to my prayers.’ All men like to hear that. 

When she had said this, she went back and emailed her friends and told them privately, ‘I’m so going to burn in Hell for the blog entry I’m working on, but it’s totally worth it.’ Now the WordPress blog had not yet come online, but was still at the editing stage.

The bloggers who were with her in da house, in IM, in MSN, in YIM, in AIM, in Googlechat, consoling her, saw her go offline quickly and sign out. They traced her IP because they were worried she would off somebody if she couldn’t blog again. When raincoaster came to the archive where the blog was and saw it, she knelt at her desk’s feet and said, ‘Lord, if you had been Googleable, I wouldn’t have had to copy 1040 entries in a Yahoo window, an MSN window, and an ALIBABA-YAHOO-CHINA window and my elbow wouldn’t be killing me.’

When Mr. WordPress saw her weeping, and the bloggers who came with her also weeping, for she does not like to come alone and always gets emotional then, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. He said, ‘Where have you copied it to?’

She said to him, ‘Lordy, on my C drive, in Microsoft Word!’ Mr. WordPress began to weep. So the bloggers said, ‘You’re not gonna make us learn Linux, are you?’ And there was wailing and the rending of garments. But some of them said, ‘Yo, it was techies who got us into this mess. Word.’

Then raincoaster, again greatly disturbed (no cheap shots, please) came to the archives. It was a folder, and it was password-protected. raincoaster said, ‘I live alone, what the hell do I have a startup password for?’

Carrie, a sister blogger, said to her, ‘Lordy, are you sure you want to look at that? Some of those entries stank, you know.’

raincoaster said to her, ‘Hey, I’m gonna be famous someday! Where’s my damn will, I need the scissors. Oh ye of little faith’ So they opened the folder. And raincoaster looked upwards and said, ‘Father, I thank you for having heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I have said this for the sake of the crowd standing here, so that they may believe that you sent me and will suck up to me in future.’

I am so burning in hell for this one! At least Dave Allen will be there!

When she had said this, she cried with a loud voice, ‘Goddam you, WordPress! Post, you fucker! Move, you skanky little progress bar!’ The entry posted, its words in plain text. raincoaster said to the blog, ‘Let’s format that fucker, and let him fly!’

Many of the bloggers therefore, who had come with raincoaster and had seen what WordPress did, believed in them.

*moves away from the light*

Posted on by

and…she’s back!

 Thanks to my famewhoring and my low opinion of humanity (I count a bot hit as pretty much equal to a human hit, unless the human says something particularly intelligent and penetrating, such as, “I think you are brilliant!”) most of my late, great Diary-X blog has been archived on MSN, Yahoo, or elsewhere around the web. One by one I am grabbing those posts and will be re-posting them here, once my elbow and wrist have recovered from the repetitive action of copying down 1040 entries, thank you very much.

The Famewhore Will Rise Again!