I had no idea God hated so much. Shrimp. Fags. Figs.
This site has everything a crazed zealot could ask for: a purportedly divinely-dictated screed, vaguely relevant Bible quotations, a list of handy-dandy propaganda (Are You Being Oppressed for Your Intolerance?), a guide to recognizing closet fig-eaters, you name it!
The Evil In Our Midst
How long can we ignore the mountain of evidence that figs are corrupting our culture? We as a society must stand up now to oppose this fruity scourge before we find figs in our classrooms, in our church picnics and even on our television screens! The cultural elite is determined to shove figs down our throat, and we must be equally determined to oppose the figgy tide.
Next time your child leaves the home with a full lunchbox, stop and check for malevolent influences. Satan only needs a few snacktimes to worm his way into your child’s heart.
Still not convinced that figs are the greatest threat to our great Judeo-Christian culture since Amy Grant started putting pornographic messages backwards on her records?
Consider the following:
- Figs are associated with science, which is inherently anti-religion. The most popular fig snack, the one your children are probably eating right now, is named after Sir Isaac Newton, one of the leading figures of the Enlightenment. The Enlightenment, of course, was when all those painters dug up dead bodies so they could draw naked people more accurately. That led to the French Revolution and the fall of Western Civilization. And it’s still going on today!
- The Enlightenment was also when Rene Descartes proved beyond doubt that God existed! They couldn’t have that, of course, so they went and locked him in an oven until he lost all his senses. After that, he just went around babbling about cognitive ergonomics, which is something to do with office furniture for Godless yuppies.
- A simple misprint in the Torah led Jews to avoid eating pork and ham for millenia, when in fact everyone knows God really meant to tell them to avoid eating any part of a fig.
- If that’s not enough, take a look at any science textbook or–God forbid–sex education book. Next to every single one of the perverted diagrams, you’ll see the words “Fig 1, fig 2, fig 3…” That’s because the soldiers of the Evil Army get a fig every time they warp a young and impressionable mind…
Yep, seems pretty clear-cut to me! God does, in fact, hate figs. God is just like me!!!
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When trogs drag out Leviticus as justification for their cultural fears and hatreds, a gay Jewish friend likes to lead them on:
“Yeah, I’ll bet you’re a clean-cut, All-(nationality)-an type, right? Nothing queer about you. I bet you like spending Sunday afternoons with a big rack of ribs and shrimp on the barbeque, then maybe a backyard football game?”
“Damn right.”
“But hang on a second–You follow Levitical law, right?”
“Yup.”
“Well pig meat is as unclean as you can get. And football? You know what the ole pigskin is made of? Oh, and as for crustaceans … Waitaminit … Oh my g-d–you’re doing all this on the Sabbath? You’re gonna burn in hell, buddy!”
Then she’ll go on about the forbiddenness of tattoos, hairstylists, leather jackets and other items, if they’ll let her.
Lev says bugger-all about lesbians, by the bi. Loads about dowel pegs in holes, but about joining things by the tongue-in-groove method, nada.
If there is one, Fred Phelps is going to hell, because I bet even God couldn’t put up with that self-righteous @$$#0!3 for more than thirty seconds.
All the world loves a gay spoilsport.
I wonder if Satan hates broccoli.
Probably. And don’t get him STARTED about gerbils, obviously.
Ha!
Way back in the dawn of time I wanted to record an album:
Band Name: Satan’s Pot-Smoking Whores
Title: All Souls’ (20% off!)
Then I would have my A&R man deny specifically the unmade allegations that there were hidden backmasked messages on the album (this was back in the days of wax biscuits, honeychile).
That would guarantee a million seller: the Tipper Gore types and the Moral Majority alone would buy that many just to burn them.
However, did any of them actually waste the time to play the record backwards they would have heard, in “Satanic Deep Voice” tones:
“Bru-bru-brush your teeth. Your breath will smell better!”
“Listen, listen, listen to your mu-mu-mother.”
“Eat your gre-gre-greens, eat brocc-cc-cc-ccoli–it’s good-good for you, you, you.”
“Wash … wash … washyourhands.”
“Don’t listen to your albums backwards–it’ll make you a homosexual, it will, it will.”
You know, with that webcam setup you should be able to make sound recordings. I’m just sayin’. And you’ve already got the visuals down.
Oooh–subliminals …
We await the MP3 and Youtube anxiously.