It occurs to us here at the ol’ raincoaster blog that the ancient art of gold digging is confined, in these sadly decadent modern times, almost exclusively to the fairer sex.
This is unfair.
Obviously smelly, hairy, balding guys with uncertain bowel control deserve cynical marriages of convenience as much as lithe, buxom teenage blondes do, but how to achieve gold digging parity in an uncaring world?
Never fear, gentlemen: we at the ol’ raincoaster blog have a solution. Simply implement the following steps in order and watch the millions roll your way.
Give women a lot of money. It doesn’t matter where you get it from, but get it and give it to them across the board. Until there are rich women there is no point in attempting to gold-dig them. We suggest starting by paying and promoting your employees using criteria other than gender. We also suggest personal donations, when appropriate (you have my banking details, don’t you? I gave them to that Nigerian guy…). Change property and inheritance laws so that the loot is divided on the basis of relation, not gonads. Vote for women, because everyone knows politicians never retire poor.- Wait till the crop of solvent women produced by the above innovations reaches, and passes, maturity. Wait till they start to remind you of Bea Arthur in Maude; that is the earliest point at which most women will become ripe for gold-digging. They need to have outlived their estrogen, but don’t wait till they’ve outlived most of their contemporaries as well. No sense overdoing things.
- You want someone whose ancient passport picture looks something like this,
ie Belle of New Orleans at the Time of the Louisiana Purchase. If nothing else, it means her granddaughters might be worth pursuing on a recreational level. People who don’t know your age will assume you fell in love with her when she looked like that; people who can tell your age should be told you met in an internet chat room, and that she tends to deny it if asked out of embarassment. - The way to succeed at gold-digging is the same as the way to succeed at any endeavour: Practice, practice, practice. You’ll need to be able to whisper endearments at intimate moments without getting her name wrong, among other critical skills. This is the secret behind the eternal popularity of monogrammed pillowcases, btw. I bet you wondered. But anyway, you will need, at some point, to go to bed with the object of your … intentions. Yes, you will need to bonk the Bea, to gamahuche the granny, to roger the retiree, to sex up the sexagenarian. You’re going to have to put it in and keep it there. Don’t worry, we’ve thought of everything. Use this handy-dandy item to practice until you can complete the act without a Carmen Electra poster hanging over the bed; it is extremely unlikely that the woman you’re attempting to gold-dig will allow a Carmen Electra poster to be placed over the bed, unless she is very unconventional indeed, or, indeed, Joan Jett.
- Keep your figure till after the wedding, and yes, there must be a wedding: remember, living in sin cuts you out of all those silver, gold, and Wii anniversary gift-getting occasions.
- Don’t neglect those little touches that mean so much: encouraging her love of fast cars with enormous blind spots, lighting her cigarette, cigar, or crack pipe (see if you can get her to work her way up), putting the coke dealer on speed dial, thoughtfully buying her skydiving lessons for her 80th birthday, or teasing her that she is too chicken to stand on the cliff’s edge and close her eyes.
Just don’t let Howard Stern mix your drinks.
Unless I’m in your will.
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raincoaster 
Dear Raincoaster,
Why don’t you post on Boris’s web site any more?
Did the evil get to you?
*sniff* hellenReddy woudl be so proud 8)
LMAO at Number Three….
I was just going to say…I think Anna Nicole Smith had a bunch of ’em fluttering around her. You didn’t think they were just hanging around to squeeze them knockers, did you? lol
I would never allow myself to be alone in the same room with either Howard Sterns.
Somewhere, stashed by Howard K in a foreign deposit box, is a book on how to kill people in virtually undetectable ways. I’m positive of it.
Oddly enough, you are mentioned in my will. Under the “Sacred Duties Possibly Required of Heirs” heading.
Don’t worry though, they’ll only be coming after they find Howard K’s foreign deposit box.
I’m really looking forward to true equality… K-Fed style.
Larry, three reasons:
One, I’m disappointed to find an increasing amount of xenophobia, sexism, racism, and other bigotries taken as normal there by an increasing number of participants. I don’t like those people and they will listen to neither reason nor manners. The “I mean, what right have the Scots got to be in Parliament: they’re Scots! And don’t get me started on the bloody Welsh, one of them cut me off on the M5 once!” And “I don’t like paying taxes so I want to move to Canada…tell me how to do it!” Well, tell me why I’d want to, really. I’ve seen this before, and it gets worse before it gets better. I can be places on the internet where those attitudes aren’t, so I am.
Two, I’m bored with the smokers turning every bloody conversation into one about smoking. I used to think that discussions of nuclear disarmament and the war in Iraq were immune, but now they’re not. They’re great guys, but the entire discussion bores me senseless; it’s like having a great friend, but you can’t let him near a discussion of rabbits because of his theory that they’re really reptiles…and you can’t shut him up. And he won’t confine the discussion to his local Rabbits Are Reptiles meeting pals, either, but must be writing letters to the editor and busting into your conversations at the grocery store with it.
Three, I’m tired of waiting for Tony Blair to go. Won’t someone make a martyr of that man? I bet if his wife thought it was in her long-term interest, she’d do it; she’s only keeping him alive for the speaking fees he’ll earn later.
I do miss Boris’ writing and my friends there, though.
Not dissimilar reasons to my own then.
I also find there is an increasing number of persons who have the irritating habit of declaring war and then proclaiming victory without going through the inconvenience of the battle.
Wanting to punch Newmania’s lights out is also a barrier to participation. That said, I understand he’s an insurance salesman which a) explains a lot and b) allows one to presume he’s used to threats of physical violence.
Blair won’t go till he can be instantly whisked out of the country to his new job(s) in the States. Expect an announcement about ‘health reasons’ in the not too distant future or when he discovers he can’t afford the mortgage payments on all his (and Cheri’s) houses. Cheri won’t whack him until he’s REALLY heavily insured.
Ta ta
Larry
P.S.
Is smoking allowed in Iraq?
Given the photographs I’ve seen of the place recently, I would assume smoking is compulsory, before or after the incendiary bombs go off.
newmania is my Page Down key’s best friend, since his posts mean we see so much of one another. But yeah, some of the “immigrants” to the blog make him look like Oscar Wilde or something in terms of broadmindedness and eloquence.
I was originally drawn to Boris’ blog because it was the one place on the internet that I’d found which was home to real reasoned debate, where yes-man behavior was as questionable as kneejerk contrarianism. Any point of view was welcome as long as it could prove itself worthy. Now I see it descending into a bubbling melting pot of the lowest common denominator, and I don’t want to be a part of it. Is it a problem? Of course. But is it my problem? Not at all.
I retain hope that the level of debate that attracted me to the site exists somewhere out there in the English-speaking world. I have yet to find it, but when I do I’ll let you know.
I posted a link to your 11:46 post on Boris’ site (http ref below) and they edited it!
So much for Boris’ protestations of free speech and no censorship. Bloody Tory hypocrite.
http://www.boris-johnson.com/archives/2007/02/avian_flu.php#comment-24190
Yes, I know you did. And I know they did. And another thing I don’t like about some of the clientele around Boris’ comments section is that they’re users. Like you.
If you want to use my comments just to hurt someone else, you may find that you get an even frostier reception around these parts. What you did there is trolling, pure and simple.
If you’ve got an issue with Boris’ site and you want Boris and Melissa to know it, at least have the balls to say it yourself, don’t hide behind me; I’m no mouthpiece. And use the same damn fake name on both sites, you coward; either you take responsibility for your actions or you don’t. And it seems you don’t, under any name.