For some of us, this is not news. Whiny babies grow up to be Conservatives. Gawd knows, next year they’ll probably publish a study that shows that previously liberal people turn conservative when they experience middle-aged crises.

*coughChristophelesHitchenscough*

Goodness, who ever would have seen that coming?

How to spot a baby conservative

Whiny children, claims a new study, tend to grow up rigid and traditional.

Future liberals, on the other hand …

Remember the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school, the one who always thought everyone was out to get him, and was always running to the teacher with complaints? Chances are he grew up to be a conservative.

At least, he did if he was one of 95 kids from the Berkeley area that social scientists have been tracking for the last 20 years. The confident, resilient, self-reliant kids mostly grew up to be liberals.

The whiny kids tended to grow up conservative, and turned into rigid young adults who hewed closely to traditional gender roles and were uncomfortable with ambiguity.

The confident kids turned out liberal and were still hanging loose, turning into bright, non-conforming adults with wide interests. The girls were still outgoing, but the young men tended to turn a little introspective.

So they key trait, the very core of Conservatism, is Insecurity. Bien Sur.

It doesn’t actually go against the currently-popular “nurture” dogma, in that a baby’s main source of confidence is its parents. If they are fear-ridden, xenophobic hags  demonizing all unknowns, it could just be that they will teach their children to be the same way. Have we not all encountered mothers who, upon seeing their toddler fall down, begin screaming before the baby does? I’ve seen babies give their parents angry/embarrassed looks that quite clearly say, “would you put a sock in it? It wasn’t that bad until you started shrieking over there, Uncle Daddy.”

Thank God for home schooling; at least it keeps these people off the streets.

So some are born to it, or perverted to it shortly after birth. Probably the first time they leave something “unusual” in their nappy and their parents immediately rush them to the hospital for an emergency proctology examination. “All righty then,” the kid says to herself, no dummy, “I’ll just keep that to myself in future.”

Which also explains why some of them are so full of shit.

The second great wave of conservatism comes when the mature-but-not-yet-exactly-overripe politonaut, confident as a solid upbringing and his own inner swaggitude can make him, experiences a weakening of his powers. Maybe he got fired and is older than the other jobhunters. Maybe he had a master plan for his life and has just realized his achievements are set on “age 25” and his hairline is on “age 45.” Maybe he’s had a hot date and actually had to show her his etchings. Perhaps it’s happened often enough that he’s given up and actually begun producing etchings, at least on his forehead.

What is the effect of these intimations of mortality?

Insecurity. Ding Ding, go to the head of the class.

And what is the lifestyle sea-change that such people experience? You can call it an Objectivist Epiphany; you can call it bourgeois anxiety; you can call it a midlife crisis. And how does it express itself? By the switching of a favorite book from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance to The Fountainhead, the switching of a vote from NDP to Trudeau Liberal, from Trudea Liberal to Turner Liberal, Liberal to Tory, from Democrat to Republican, from Republican to Ross Peronite. Pick up your jumpsuits at the check-in desk, and don’t forget to wear the white Nikes. If the convention (such a perfect word) is being held in Idaho this year, remember to bring your own mackinaw, Sorels and fluorescent vest; the same goes if it’s in Texas, only it won’t do you any good, Cheney will still shoot you. You make him nervous.

If you wish a red corvette and cannot afford one, one will be placed on your credit card and provided for you.