Canuckistani 2.0: The War of 1812

This is not the Arrogant Worms; this is Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, and they are performing The War of 1812. Do try to keep your Canuckistani Comedy Troupes straight. We wouldn’t want to have to invade!

1812, the rematch. Any time you're ready

O….Come back proud Canadians,
To before you had TV.
No Hockey Night in Canada,
there was no CBC.

In 1812 Madison was mad,
He was the president you know.
Well he thought he’d tell the British where they ought to go.
He thought he’d invade Canada,
He thought that he was tough.
Instead we went to Washington,
And burned down all his stuff.

And the White House burned, burned, burned.
And we’re the ones that did it,
It burned, burned, burned.
While the president ran and cried,
It burned, burned, burned.
And things were very historical,
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa
In the war of 1812.

Those hillbillies from Kentucky,
Dressed in green and red.
Left home to fight in Canada,
But they returned home dead.
It’s the only war the Yankees lost except for Vietnam.
And also the Alamo and the Bay of Ham.
The looser was America,
The winner was ourselves.
So join right in and gloat about the war of 1812.

And the White House burned, burned, burned.
And we’re the ones that did it,
It burned, burned, burned.
While the president ran and cried,
It burned, burned, burned.
And things were very historical,
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa
In the war of 1812.

In 1812 we were just sitting around,
Minding our own business,
Putting crops into the ground.
We heard the soilders coming,
And we didn’t like that sound.
So we took a boat to Washington and burned it to the ground.

Oh we fired our guns but the Yankees kept on a coming,
There wasn’t quite as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and the Yankees started running,
Down the Mississippi to the gulf of Mexico.
They ran through the snow,
And they ran through the forest,
They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn’t go,
They ran so fast they forgot to take their culture,
Back to America, and Gulf and Texaco.

So if you go to Washington,
It’s building clean and nice,
Bring a pack of matches,
And we’ll burn the White House twice.

And the White House burned, burned, burned,
But the Americans wont admit it.
It burned, burned, burned…
It burned and burned and burned
It burned, burned, burned
I bet that made them mad.
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa
In the war of 1812.

34 thoughts on “Canuckistani 2.0: The War of 1812

  1. WHAT DRIVEL! You obviously know nothing about the War, which began over a British blockade of US trade with France. It wasn’t even a Canadian war, it was a British one. How embarassing.
    A Canuck in BC

  2. Your Grace

    “Vanity of Vanities, says the Preacher
    All things are full of weariness,
    a Man cannot utter it”

    I didn’t realize that the 1812 War was not a Canadian War

    Somehow I had the impression that it was demm Yenkees who were so greedily & enthusiastically attacking Canadian territory, because they wanted to annex Canada out of Greedy Imperialism, regardless of the clear wishes of Canadians NOT to be trampled over by Yenkees

    …. AND that it was heavily out-numbered Brits who were defending their Canadian fellow-countrymen from Yenkee Aggression …. and that Canadians “voted with their muskets” by fighting US Invaders

    It would be interesting to have Mr Oliver’s assistance in explaining :

    a. How far those demm Yenkees attacked Canada, in order to make it easier to attack and seize Native-Indian Territories in the West

    b. How far the 1812 US Attack on Canada was part of a pattern of Yankee Aggression that saw the United States seizing vast Mexican/British/Native-American Territories and even Miniscule Islands in the Vancouver=Channel “Pig War” …. and later Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines and Guam, which later caused so much upset to the Japanese

    … and indeed seems to have been a Trial Run for the 1861 US Civil War, where those demm Yenkees out of Greedy Imperialism rode rough-shod of their Fellow-Countrymen in the Southern States

    c. If the US had really felt strongly about the relatively mild British Trade measures, then surely the US should have first declared War on France, whose anti-US/Neutral trade measures were far more objectionable
    the influence – at least according to the US Admiral Mahan

    I have the honour to remain your Grace’s obedient servant etc

    G E

  3. “…. none of them died: they went down to Washington and came back healthy …”

    Your Grace

    But were they really healthy …. all those Bon=fires may have had an enjoyable & relaxing “Picnic” Atmosphere as the Yenkees had (sensibly) fled … BUT what about the life=shortening Pollution they inhaled

    AND how embarRRrasSsing – the SchPelling & mysteriously un-deleted words – remove “the influence”

    My excuse is a Keyboard not designed for these Talons

    Yr Grace’s obedt servant etc


  4. They may have suffered from smoke inhalation, but I’m as supportive of their inhalations of the fumes of the burning White House as certain of my friends are of the inhalation of the burning fumes of New England tobacco.

  5. Okay the British burnt it down to the ground not the Canadians. Secondly we burnt Toronto to the ground. Okay and if i had it my way…. there wouldn’t be Canada. just the united states northern territories. fucking Canada. You forget who has the nukes. I’d send one to Toronto in a minute if it was my choice. Fucking Canadian maple syrup. thats it. thats all you do, make syrup. Remember who really faught your war. They aint there to help you next time.

  6. Okay, no, sweetie. The Canadians were called the British back then because officially Canada did not exist yet.

    And YOU forget who has the nukes: North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Russia, Chechnya…

  7. 344wsirhC “… Canadian maple syrup … thats all you do …”

    An admirably-delectable Product but I s’pose 344 prefers Kentucky Fried Chicken, washed down by Pepsi-Cola and Donuts [sic] ….

    AND Canuckistanis also kNow how to Apostrophize appropriately

    AND BTW an advanced General Knowledge Question for 344, in case he has not thought about the implications of dropping something unPleasing to the North of the Border :

    With the Wind blowing downhill from North to South, especially down the Hudson Valley, who would be major beneficiaries of any unPleasant Radiations from North of the Border

  8. Chris, stop advertising the deficencies in our education system. Seriously, the idea that you believe you could ever be allowed within eyesight, let alone control over a nuke speaks volumes on how stupid you think our leaders are.

    I’m also pretty unaware of any wars we faught[sic] on the behalf of Canada. Was it Granada? First Gulf War? Bosnia? This one? I mean, up until 1931 Canda was really a state of the Brittish Empire. Perhaps you were thinking of WW@? Then I’d have you look up information on Juno Beach and Canada’s paratroopers.


  9. Except he’s incorrect. At least he knows how to capitalize and use punctuation, that much is true. For such an aggressive troll, though, he’s strangely unfamiliar with the word “fought” and cannot spell it correctly. American schools?

  10. … or peut-estre 344wsirhC is a Non-American pretending to be a semi-literate American who is strangely unaware of the potential consequences of his suggestions towards the Hudson River

    In the alternative, perhaps he just lives in California, which never had the Blssings of British Rule …..

  11. Dont get me wrong Canadas aight, but that poem and photo is fucking stupid, Its completly and historically inacurate, for one The United States won, and Canada didnt even exist yet, it was British territory, and by the way, those terrific soldiers that were defending canada, lost at the battle of New Orleans against a force of less than half their numbers, a force of made up of a few rookie soldiers and bandits, next time you create a blog know what the fuck your talkin about. No offense to Canada.

  12. “The United States won.” Substantiate. And use correct spelling this time.

    “No offense.” Substantiate. And while you’re at it, why don’t you clean up those burn marks we left on the White House last time, big man?

    PS: Sitting Bull kicked your ass AND you lost the Alamo! Remember?

  13. Pingback: Nineteen Years Ago in Spy « raincoaster

  14. I AM canadian…eh… i live in my igloo and i ride my polar bear to school.and thats aboot it!
    get over it
    FUCK! maple fucking syrup. you guys make shit too!
    and right now its actually november and we DON’T have snow. we do have a summer. and we have the same technology that you do… we are just more civil.
    P.S. where are your guy’s weapons of mass destruction??!!

  15. Back in 1812, if you lived in the Canadas, even if you were British, you were Fucking Canadian! That simple!

  16. …I am ashamed of the country I live in, what with all of the aggressive behaviour and illiteracy. -shakes head disapprovingly- Ah, America. You honestly need some help with your people. Can’t wait to move to Canada~


  17. I am American but I live in Canada, both countries are awesome! We just need to calm down and not be so negative about each other. I currently am a citizen of three country’s, The USA, Canada, and the EU. I know I am not a Canadian by blood, but I am proud to say I am a Canadian by passport. I know I was a little sad when the USA lost in hockey in the 2010 Vancouver Olympic games but I had one hell of a fun time with my Canadian friends! All I can say is that I love Canada and the USA, and we should be more friendly to one another.

  18. “We need to calm down.”

    Dood, did you notice the date “2006” on this post? We’ve all calmed down considerably in the past four years. It’s time to live in the present, my friend.

  19. James Oliver,
    You’re the one who should learn their history. Canada was a British province at the time and was one of the main battle fronts. America attacked britain, canada, and the native americans to the west during the war of 1812

  20. But they are wrong when they said that the US lost. It was more of a tie. Neither side accomplished anything that they had hoped for.

  21. But Canada looted and burned the White House, seized Detroit then gave it back when they took a good look at it, and suffered vastly fewer casualties while virtually crippling the US Navy and gaining territory.

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