A brief refresher before we begin.
You all remember Brian Atene, bad audition posterboy and internet laughingstock for the video he made to convince Stanley Kubrick (CUE-brick) to give him the lead in Full Metal Jacket. Naturally, in a smarmy culture where everyone’s a comedian, it wasn’t long before someone made a series of viciously amusing Brian Atene: the Chubby Years videos to bring us up to speed on our hero.
What separates Brian Atene from David Hasselhoff? One thing, ladies and gentlemen: staying power. If David Hasselhoff were an internet laughingstock, you can bet your sweet bippy that it would be David Hasselhoff and nobody else who would make the mocking “where are they now” video, and he’d be up until the wee hours, uploading that puppy to YouTube and, for all I know, favoriting it under eight hundred different usernames.
Brian Atene is no David Hasselhoff.
But Denny Blazin Hazen is.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Denny Blaze, circa 1986. Don’t laugh: you wore those ridiculous pants too, didn’t you?
It’s okay. Breathe. Breathe. Nobody’s going to make you mousse your mullet if you don’t want to. Just relax.
Now see what Denny Blaze has done in response to that video’s 546,401 views, 326 comments, and 1083 times favorited.
He’s owned it.
I am now solidly on Team Average Homeboy! Bonus points that he’s kept in shape, too. Looks better than generational icon and sex scandaliste Rob Lowe, who’s starting to get that Keef look around the eyes, and for good reason from what I hear.
Cthulhu will deal with him, and with the horrible drapery as well. Glub glub!
I suspect, from his weird resistance to visible ageing, that he may already be an acolyte of the Great Old Ones. I wonder if a peep through his window at the right moment might not reveal a rigid wax mask and gloves, lain aside as their shapeless master attends strange rituals in the sub-basement! Ia! Ia! Denny Blaze nafhtagn!
Oubourimboura Denny! Nafhtagn!
Careful with those incantations! I should tell you the story about my mirror…after I tell the story about the creeping chaos in my living room.
Honestly, it looks like Cthulhu is coming to get me!
Of course, now Brian Atene is back and (quite literally) bigger than ever!