Some of our readers here on the ol’ raincoaster blog are what is known as “fish-keepers.” Now, naturally you as a healthy, normal person will imagine that this is an obscure order of monks in service to the Esoteric Order of Dagon, but you would be wrong: these are people actually prefer fish as pets. Bizarrely, they often cohabitate with those who prefer cats as pets. I suppose it saves time when it comes to splitting the assets in case of divorce. If either of them prefers Chinese food then the circle is complete.
Some of these Fish-Keepers, also known as the so-called Fish People (as in “I’m Trudi! I’m a Cat Person!” although with Trudi you can just tell, she doesn’t need to say anything), take a great deal of pride in raising fish that no-one else in their watery circle has. Their aquariums are a positive R’lyeh of one-upmanship, as are their aquatic conversations.
eg:
“So Ned, got those albino mambafish breeding yet?”
and Ned, who has been trying to breed the albino mambafish for twelve years in the back of the hall closet and who only mentioned it last week because Alistair was being such an ass about his Piebald Pufferfish, grits his teeth and replies,
“Great, yeah Al, they’re doing great. What are you raising now?”
And Al, who suspects Ned is lying but who cannot prove it, but lives for that glorious day in the future, replies,
“Oh me? Well I caught a couple of live pygmy whale sharks on my last trip to Papaeete, gonna put them together, see what happens. Once I turn that spare bedroom into a walk-through aquarium, of course. You know that Better Housekeeping bought the plans from me?”
There are, of course, no pygmy whale sharks. But here’s something your competitive friends won’t find in any pet store! I guarantee you, not a one of those watery wankers is raising a brood of these, nor has any idea how to care for them!
The Care and Maintenance of the Swedish Fish
Table of Contents
Part 1 – Introduction to Swedish Fish
Most people believe that Swedish Fish are simply a tasty treat. This could not be further from the truth! Swedish Fish actually originated in (you guessed it) Sweden, but due to their sweetness, gumminess, and lack of bones, they are commonly bred in gummy-fish farms all over the world. After they are the proper age, they are then gathered up, processed, and bagged for consumption by evil individuals who care more for their sweets than for the life of innocent fishies!
Just take a look at the picture to the right. Here we have a Swedish Fish straight from the package. Here are some signs that this Swedish Fish is in trouble!
- Dehydration
- Bulging eyes
- Anxiety / Depression
- Visible loss of fin-to-eye coordination
- Need I go on?
It is up to you to rescue these poor creatures from the hands of the hungry! You must save them from a life of pre-packaged madness! Fortunately, Swedish Fish make perfect pets. Read below for more information!
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Don't keep it to yourself!
Sometimes you run across evidence of another person’s sex life on the internet and you think:
Also, all that BlueBomber says is they got this off a forum and if you know anything about forums, you’ll know that you neither need nor want additional information. And yes, that’s where the pictures came from. You have just viewed fruit porn! I suppose these are NSFW if you work in the produce section. Paging Chad Vader! But do go to the site for more on the aftermath. I bet he didn’t even call the next morning!
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