what you totally should have done for Valentine’s Day

Chuck Norris has a Valentine's present for ya 

For some reason, many men seem to feel that what women really want in a man is want is a yes man, ie someone who, no matter how outrageous her suggestion, always nods and says, “oh that sounds good.” I don’t know if these guys have watched too many episodes of SATC, or if they’re just cribbing off some lame Dave Barry short that  he phoned in one day on deadline, but it is not actually true.

Women of a certain, not-too-distant-from-myself type, may want to do things their way, but they would prefer that all involved understand that this is because their suggestion is the best, not because their fellow is a doormat.

Note that although said fellow may, in fact, actually BE a doormat, it’s probably best for him not to give this impression. Given their druthers, women tend to gravitate towards opinionated animals as pets, not the hokey-dokey labrador type. This is telling, fellas. When the leadership finds out, they’ll put a hit out on my ovaries just for telling you this stuff.


So, given that asking and doing exactly what she tells him is, as we’ve agreed, out, what should the ideal boyfriend do for his ladyfriend on the big V-Day?

Exactly what Chuck Norris tells him to.

I know most men just want to spend Valentine’s Day like any other day – eating Doritos and engaging in a little heavy petting with their girlfriends. V-Day “shebangs” are taxing: they require time, planning and extremely large biceps.

However, after extensive research, I’ve devised a simple strategy: just call Chuck Norris.

To explain, since I’ve been at the University, and am thus more acquainted with what I like to call those “hipster, indie types,” I’ve been privy to a lot of interesting conversations. Most of them concern imaginary battles between trendy “It” fantasy genres: Pirate vs. Ninja! Robot vs. Lumberjack! Space Warriors vs. Chuck Norris! OMG, who will win?!? The answer is simple: Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins….

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9 thoughts on “what you totally should have done for Valentine’s Day

  1. Your ovaries are toast – every word is true. My ex’s idea of foreplay was to look at his watch. His intimate charms were such that watching Prescott belly dance himself into a lather would have been more interresting. I found that if a man hasn’t got “time, planning and extremely large biceps”, or access to anything Chuck Norris, really big diamonds focus a womans attention and she has instant amnesia for about 10 mins. 10 mins guys!

  2. Oh I love Chuck Norris. My trainer takes digs at me for talking about him all the time. In fact, we were just discussing whether he possibly boinked Christy Brinkley – you know how they do that infomercial together – but Chuck’s a pretty religious guy now.

    True, I have two Vermont teddy bears from a few years back. Why do I need two stuffed animals that look like twins? If I had a dog I’d toss one at him so he could eat it.

    Since my boyfriend is an old fart, I’d love it if he sent me a stud for the evening lol That would be the perfect V Day gift.

  3. Well since you asked:

    If I were to write a guys’ romance guide, I would include the invaluable words: “Be a bit of a bastard”. Since most women can’t tell you what they want half the time you might as well do what you want and hope they find it cute, funny, intriguing or moodily sexy.

    The idea of giving a gift of a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the head would not, until now, have made it in.

    Speaking of which.

  4. No, most women WON’T TELL YOU what the want, because Cosmo and SATC have convinced them that men will run if they do that. It’s not that they don’t know what they want.

    There are a subset of people of both genders who do not know what they want, and it’s to the world’s benefit that they never get it, either. That way the gene may die out.

  5. Oh, RC, I actually hate Cosmo and refuse to read it.l Why do I want to shell out sushi dollars for a mag that instructs me on how to please someone else? Being as self absorbed as I am, I’d prefer to read stuff on how to please myself!

  6. Exactly, but there are sheepish mobs who swallow their every word. I wrote them off as a teenager, when I came across the headline, “Does He Bore You? How To Stay Interested!” Why was something they never covered…

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