Phunk Rock Gods: the Osmonds

No, not kidding (also not dead or arrested, contrary to malicious rumour; just taking the weekend off in a kind of experiment. I have a friend who sends out a suicide note email every two or three years just to see who’ll call…she always seems to do this on a weekend I don’t check email, actually).

You may recall that the Osmonds can, indeed, rock hard when they want to (cf the apocalyptic anthem Crazy Horses), but did you know they could dress up in pimp gear and rip out a good old-fashioned barbershop quintet/funkadelic tune when they felt like it? One needs, one does, to expand one’s understanding of Mormonism (particularly if this is the first one’s heard about Marie’s divorce and finding her kids advertising for sex on MySpace and no, I won’t give you their contact details).


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17 thoughts on “Phunk Rock Gods: the Osmonds

  1. I don’t think Marie had real hair. She just shaved her head and wore wigs; in some ways, she was Britney before Britney was.

    C’mon though; you’ve got to admit they can totally rock out when it suits them. I wonder what they did with the sequinned pimp duds. I’d kill for one of those hats.

  2. “C’mon though; you’ve got to admit they can totally rock out when it suits them.”

    No I don’t, and you can’t make me! Honestly, the odd hat might be fun but sheesh, if they were all fatter they’d like like Vegas-Elvis in those get-ups.

  3. Awww, that was one funky chicken…you did it too when you were little. I bet you still have a pic of yourself in one of those huge-lapelled shirts somewhere in your files.

  4. No way. I did the monkey, the jerk, the twist, the boogaloo, the mashed potato, the fly … and I even shook my tailfeather! But never the funky chicken – that came after I was 14.

  5. Wow. Pimp my Osmond.

    Or is this some collaboration they had with Elton John and Liberace?

    Certainly makes you realise what a life of no-sex, no-drugs, and no rock’n’roll can do to you.

    Makes you wonder about Mitt Romney … “Would you buy a used bong from this man?”

  6. What’s hardest to believe is that they were teenagers or very young twentysomethings when they did this; they weren’t elderly, out-of-touch geezers. They were young, I-know-we’re-gonna-look-stupid-but-Dad-wants-us-to geezers.

  7. Actually, my parents, who are not so much hip as hip replacement, but were never exactly cool, owned a copy of Osmonds, featuring the pre-teen squeakings of a pre-Marie Donny Osmond (centre).

    It sucked as much as any other disco. Though “One Bad Apple” might arguably have made a fine Motown hit in another era.

  8. I forgot about the psychedelic Christmas album!

    The Osmonds were NOT primarily disco. They were pop. And, as I said, when they wanted to rock out, they could, although their Dad thought it was bad for their image. I’m gonna see if I can find “Treat her right” and prove my point.

  9. They tricked me when I was young. I heard Down by the Lazy River without ever seeing them. It wasn’t fair., playing with young minds like that, Me and all my mates liked it, and then had to beat a hasty retreat once theyd been unleashed on British TV, We all started saying (in manly voice) “hey, heard that new Deep Purple record?”

  10. Exactly. As long as you don’t have to look at them or drink the Mormon Kool-Aid (or watch Goin’ Coconuts!) they were a great band! And here is Down by the Lazy River to prove it!

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