things I have learned from living with a vegan raw food chef/holistic healer

This list is not exhaustive, because he hasn’t stopped talking yet. It must be prefaced with the information that I’ve lost 20 pounds since he moved in and he’s a good friend, a lovely fellow, and as delightful a roommate as I’ve ever encountered.


  • milk equals pus. It doesn’t matter if you know the cows from birth and milk them by hand. Milk equals pus. All cows are walking petri dishes of mastitis. This and all tenets of the raw food vegan bible are, like all fundamentalist commandments, neither examined nor reconsidered, ever. They are only repeated from memory. At. Length. For another example, ask any Scientologist about psychiatry and watch the hours fly by!
  • that vegetable that you like? It’s poison!
  • ditto fruit
  • all food needs to come with a lecture. A meal without a lecture is like a day without sunshine!
  • it is the fault of the Bavarian Illuminati that you are unhealthy and eating a crappy diet. They put many resources towards preventing the world from knowing the truth and full health.
  • your colon and 9/11 are interrelated.
  • it is all the fault of white men. It’s particularly amusing to get white vegan men to lecture on this topic, because self-awareness is, apparently, entirely prevented by eating a raw food diet.
  • no matter what’s wrong with you, tweaking your diet can fix it. Missing a leg? Got AIDS? Born a thalidomide baby? A few smoothies will put you right.
  • everyone, even raw food vegan chefs, loves pizza, perhaps the most perfect food ever invented (just don’t ask a raw food vegan chef for his professional opinion. He’ll give it to you and then you’ll think “well that’s three hours of my life I’ll never get back”).
  • If you have problems with your digestion, the way to fix that is to stop digesting. Throw all the foods you were going to eat anyway into a blender and process them until they’re an indistinguishable sludge, then drink it. Keep doing that until your digestion problems stop, which they will, since you’re not actually digesting anything anymore.
  • they may like their food raw, but they prefer their intoxicants smoked. Often. I used to torture the vegan chainsmokers at Greenpeace by yelling “Cigarettes are tested on animals” as they took their smoke breaks.
  • washing salad ingredients prior to eating them is nothing more than discrimination against Microbe-Canadians. This position is not reconsidered, even after a violent round of E.Coli poisoning involving the carrying of large bowls to the bedside and the equipping of the night stand with tp, bottled water, a smoothie, and a book which requires little mental acuity. The solution is (see above) to consume exactly the same foods, in the smoothie form, which is as fundamental to vegans as the solid form is to physicists.
  • meat is not just evil, it’s poisonous. Most foods, in fact, are poisonous, especially the tasty ones. I should take him to Salt just to freak him out; they serve nothing but meat and cheese.
  • vegans eat more salt and sugar than any other group of persons on the planet. I used to refill the salt grinder once every two months. Now it’s once a week, unless we run out of soy sauce, when it’s once every two days. And I’m going through a kilo of sugar a month, easy.
  • they also drink more green tea than any other group of people on Earth. It’s raw, you see, unlike black tea, which has been processed. If only it were also cheap; a $24 box of Formosa Oolong used to last me six months. Now it’s one month. I might as well inquire about wholesale rates.
  • if they leave their fruit smoothie for too long and something starts growing on top of it, they will peel off the fuzz and consume the smoothie, nattering on about the benefits of fermentation. Speaking of which,
  • they love Jack Daniels. Which alone gives me faith in them as a species.

18 thoughts on “things I have learned from living with a vegan raw food chef/holistic healer

  1. You know, some of that was just too foul (fowl?) to even consider.

    Koreans scrape the mold off their kimch’i when it’s fermenting in the pots, so it can’t be all bad.

    You might want to find some cheaper green tea. Just an idea.

    See you on Wednesday, when we bring you to our home of cheese & meat, veg & fruit yes, but probably of the poisonous kind, and the fermented liquids.

  2. I am looking forward to it more than I can say. I must really like you guys, because now that he’s staying at another friend’s I have the place to myself. I’m doing a lot of walking around naked with various facial masques on and cotton between my girlie toes.

  3. Please, Curtis. Refrain of calling the rc a genius. At least until she’s come and gone from our place. Her ego’s hard enough to deal with as it is!


  4. “no matter what’s wrong with you, tweaking your diet can fix it. Missing a leg? Got AIDS? Born a thalidomide baby? A few smoothies will put you right. ”

    It’s true. I drink smoothies nearly everyday, and I have none of those issues. I am proof!

  5. One observation I’ve made with Vegan friends is none of them look particularly healthy… they are always a bit too thin and ready to inform *YOU* on all the unhealthy stuff you are doing.

  6. It always seemed odd to me that the vegans at the college caff were always the ones downing a handful of pills and drinking something vaguely fibrous and unpleasant-looking.

    The rest of us just ate, y’know, food.

    Personally, I have always believed that vegetarians were the things other animals eat.

  7. Well that is, of course, literally true. I can’t even begin to describe my frustration with the vegans who have pet dogs or cats and then whine endlessly about how hard it is to find vegan food they’ll eat. I’m like, they’re carnivores, you eedjuts. Feeding them a vegan diet is nothing more than starving/poisoning them. If you want a vegan pet, get a rabbit.

    Kirsten, good to see a vegan who retains the strength to have a sense of humour. Welcome!

  8. Hilarious!

    You are a breath of free flowing energy … No editing. So real and uninterupted.

    Keep up the journaling. A great way to stay honest with our feelings. This is vital!




    Just think, the clarity you would have if you went raw. Scary. Your mind is already rife with ripe and rawsome reflections. Bravo.


    I am hosting a series of raw potluck’s, every Thu eve. Let me know if you are interested …

  9. Pingback: Business as Usual « raincoaster

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