Kuato, Cunning Linguist

What Would Kuato Do?

Forget slow hands. There’s something the ladies like even better, and if you don’t know what it is, let’s look to Kuato, the veiny, stomach-dwelling Yoda creature from the Schwarzenschlocken meisterpiece that is Total Recall. Let’s face it, when you look like that, you’d better have some hidden talents, and we don’t mean playing the violin.

We mean making music with the humid harmonica.

Yes, the ladies like me, and they dig on my movie star status, but sometimes not all women are impressed by that. You know that singer Shania Twain? I showed her the veins in my tiny squat head and you know? Didn’t impress her. Not much at all.

I’m not the tallest guy in the world. I don’t drive a fast car. But based on the fact that I’m located in a guy’s torso, I know of which I speak. I’m in a perfect place to give a woman pleasure with my tiny gummy mouth and gimpy, rotted hands.

You think I’m joking? Ask me what I’m doing Saturday night. Just ask.

What am I doing Saturday night? Giving some lucky lady head. All of it. My whole head.

So kids, remember. Cunnilingus is cool. Blowjobs are so last semester.

Very indirectly via kstafford (sorry, ladies, I believe he’s taken).

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15 thoughts on “Kuato, Cunning Linguist

  1. “Very indirectly via kstafford (sorry, ladies, I believe he’s taken).”

    Wow – I’ve been plugged by Raincoaster!!! Seriously thank you very much for the plug. You know how I feel about Kuato!!!

    God….the image of those slimy little hands groping someone is almost too much. In that scene in the movie where he takes Arnold’s hand to “open his mind” I’ve always squirmed at the sound of his ooze meeting Arnold’s skin.

    I mentioned this in the forums but I suggest all your readers give this a try. Make an effor to work a kuatto-ism into your conversations at work today. Attending a meeting about a change of direction? Chime in and blurt out “Quaid, start the reactor!” Attending some sort of motivational seminar or a meeting where you might be able to provide feedback? Grab their hands and repeat “open your mind…..open your mind!” Lastly, if posed with a particularly difficult question that you cannot answer, it is acceptable to bypass kuatto altogether and instead impersonate Arnold by yelling “If I’m not Quaid, then who the hell am i???” while going on a mock office-rampage.

  2. Is there a marketing meeting that can’t be improved by the words “Quaid, start the reactor!”? I rather think not. I, myself, will be taking an eight hour bus trip soon, and I look forward with gleeful anticipation to the Kuotoisms out which I shall bust at choice moments.

  3. I can’t get enough of this! I await with eager anticipation a review of each and every opportunity thus seized upon!

    Rather than a random act of kindness theme, I suppose a kuato theme is in order one day here on wordpress!

  4. Make Money Fast and Easy$$$ Posted by Kelvin Norris

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  5. This entry and the replies are just too much! LOL

    And that is one heck of a spam reply! Not a line break to be seen. I can’t believe people still fall for pyramid schemes.

  6. that troll looks small enough to disappear inside a capacious vagina. and philipa! what are u?? cunninglingus makes the world a better place! as long as the chicks keep their vessels neat.

  7. Pingback: Kuato sings Chocolate Rain « raincoaster

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