The 12 Days of Christopher Walken

Many and varied are the Ways of Walken: yea, from the leather-clad styles of Gabriel the Archangel to the bewigged walking nightmare which haunted Hairspray, he is Christopher Chameleon, the Nyarlathotep of the Silver Screen, instantly recognizable yet always different. Christopher Walken is, like the mythical river, never and always the same.

So it is at Christmas Time.

The 12 Days of Christopher Walken

The First Day
The partridge, the pear tree. I trust both have arrived safely on this First Day of Christmas. The partridge, unfortunately, required mounting for shipping. Taxidermy. I had to strangle the poor bird with my own two hands. Sometimes small cruelties must be tolerated for the greater holiday good—in this case, pears.

The Second Day
May the two beautiful turtle doves, enclosed, enliven your Second Day of Christmas. I have recorded their mournful songs on a compact disc, also enclosed, so you will understand why I found it necessary to smother them. These birds—these birds could drive you fucking crazy.

and the rest…

As well, there are those who have grown up, but have yet to abandon the sweet rituals of childhood. Rituals like the annual Letter to Santa. But when you’re a thirty-five-year-old nightclub booker, you have to find an edgier recipient for the sake of your reputation, hence:

Letters to Christopher Walken

While Artist-in-Residence at Cornell’s arts dorm, I was expected to come up with stimulating art-related programs for the students to participate in. “Letters to Walken” allowed them the chance to write their yearly Christmas letter to Christopher Walken.


Tapdancing with Christopher Walken

18 thoughts on “The 12 Days of Christopher Walken

  1. I’m without words……’s not every day a man gets to wake up to fresh, previously unseen Walken content. On the one hand, I’m excited that all 12 days of Christmas have been thus dedicated to the profoundly moving actor, while on the other hand I’m upset that someone else came up with the idea of “letters to Walken” before me.

    A couple of thoughts about the tap-dancing card displayed in the post:

    – It seems possible, if not probable, that the girl depicted on the card is non other than my wife. She seems to share the same basic traits (they are both Chinese, which is extremely rare on this planet, and seem to share the same sense in fashion).
    – Some disturbing images arise from the card. Note the way their pants seem to have shrunk around the ankles, suggesting either a rapid increase in body size, or a warning of an impending flood. Only Walken knows for sure.
    – Notice how gravity (what little of it their is on the moon) seems to be affecting Chris greater than the girl. This confirms our theory on the importance of Walken in the overall scheme of the cosmos.

  2. The best Christmas present EVER!! Ever since Chuck disgraced himself and came out as the most stupid person on the planet (and destroying entertainment for families every where) I have been looking for someone to replace him.

    And now I have found him. Thank you Raincoaster. There really is a Santa Claus.

  3. Jawohl, your Grace, Jeremy is spot on & Monsieur Stafford must surely be mis-directing hissen

    Wer ist Herr Christopher Walken – surely it’s not his Face on U$ Dollar bills

  4. “The best Christmas present EVER!! Ever since Chuck disgraced himself and came out as the most stupid person on the planet (and destroying entertainment for families every where) I have been looking for someone to replace him.”

    No doubt. I would love to see a Walken vs Norris video. Maybe he can beat some sense into ol Chuckie.

    I can see it now – Walken infiltrating the Chuck/Christy Total Gym set. He would beat Chuck, steal Christy, and penetrate with hostile intent.

  5. just like the aliens do to him in Communion! If you’ve ever seen that scene, it’s quite memorable. Walken is having his mind controlled by the aliens and asks the one holding the probe if he “is going to sing White Christmas?”

    Here’s the best clip of it I could find. A truly bizarre movie to say the least – but one that only Walken could have acted in without it becoming an absolute cheese fest.

  6. I have seen The Prophecy but it was either really early in the morning, or I was drunk, or maybe I was in bed (not alone, mind you ), or perhaps all three.

    And I do not remember Viggo in this movie. Holy shit. Note to self: Catch up on Steve McQueen, Viggo, AND Walken movies.

  7. Oh my god, thanks for the link, K! Can you believe, I actually have this book on my shelf but have never read it? I can’t be sure, well, I’m almost ninety percent sure it’s Communion. Unless the author wrote a follow up.

    Walken looks so young!

  8. I forgot about Viggo in the prophecy as well…All I can remember is the good guy, the Indian girl, Eric Stolz, and Walken.

    Stilleto (by the way – love that name), Streiber did write a couple of follow-ups. Actually I think one of the sequels somehow became “The Day After Tomorrow” if I’m not mistaken. The cool thing with the movie, if you can get past the puppets (mind you those puppets scared the bejesus out of me as a kid) is that Clapton did the soundtrack. There are a couple of scenes in the movie that I really enjoy. Overall it’s just okay though.

    Still, it’s Walken, so it’s better than anything else.

  9. Pingback: Merry Christmas from Christopher Walken | lolebrity

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