in which we discover why Jon Bon Jovi makes a liar out of Alice Cooper

So it’s true: the situation in South-East Asia really IS completely unpredictable!

conditional shampoo doesn't know if it volumizes or smooths

I guess they couldn’t find any real poo.

Which is a joke I stole from M*A*S*H, yes M*A*S*H and if you don’t know what that is, get thee to a frickin’ library or Wikipedia or something, already. Jeebus. What do they teach in these schools, anyway, and #getoffamylawn.

And it is, besides, a joke which reminds me of  joke I heard attributed to George Carlin:

Why do they call them Depends?

“Do they work?”

Shrugs, “Depends.”

And also, why do they call them Always when they should really be called Sometimes? Also, Always comes in Always Infinity, which (for those of us who’ve ever had periods) sounds like some kind of threat.

ALWAYS: Bon Jovi

This romeo is bleeding
But you can’t see his blood
It’s nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It’s been raining since you left me
Now I’m drowning in the flood
You see I’ve always been a fighter
But without you I give up

I can’t sing a love song
Like the way it’s meant to be
Well, I guess I’m not that good anymore
But baby, that’s just me

And I will love you, baby – Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day – Always
I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don’t rhyme
And I know when I die, you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you – Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I’d give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you’ve been needing to hear
I’ll wish I was him ’cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby – Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day – Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain’t no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We’ll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby – Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day – Always
I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don’t rhyme
And I know when I die, you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you – Always

And, of course, the always-contrarian Alice Cooper:

Man’s got his woman to take his seed
He’s got the power – oh
She’s got the need
She spends her life through pleasing up her man
She feeds him dinner or anything she can
She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don’t come home at all
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Man makes your hair gray
He’s your life’s mistake
All you’re really lookin’ for is an even break
He lies right at you
You know you hate this game
He slaps you once in a while and you live and love in pain
She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don’t come home at all
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Black eyes all of the time
Don’t spend a dime
Clean up this grime
And you there down on your knees begging me please come
Watch me bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed

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13 thoughts on “in which we discover why Jon Bon Jovi makes a liar out of Alice Cooper

  1. As I said over on Gawker yesterday, the next time you ask a pissed-off woman to make you some food, remember that women are more likely to be murderous poisoners than men are.

    Just sayin’.

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