Bitter Feast: Revenge is a dish best served cold

Chef Death

I forget who said that, and am far too lazy to google it, but s/he could well have been talking to the victim of this particular food blogger. Allow me to present (yes, our third YouTube in a row, but it’s too good to pass up) the trailer for Bitter Feast, the tale of one chef’s revenge on a whorish, mean-spirited, lowest-common-denominator pandering food blogger:

via ManoloFood, which says:

The film centers around celebrity chef Peter Gray whose career is ostensibly ruined by a scathing review on the ficticious food blog “Gastropunks.” When Chef Gray is fired (by none other than Mario Batali in a cameo as a restaurant owner improbably named Gordon), he exacts revenge, taking the blogger hostage and torturing him in a series of Food Network worthy extreme cooking challenges. If the blogger can cook a perfect over easy egg, he can eat it; if not  he’s got egg on his face — literally and delivered by way of a sizzling frying pan to the noggin.

Which is (bear with me here) funny. Before you run off screaming and accusing me of being all coldblooded Eating Raul and such, listen up. And think up. Think: do you know any food bloggers? You do, don’t you? And those food bloggers…are they big ol’ meanies like this Gastropunk here, or are they perhaps a little more on the pander-to-Yelp-for-possible-kickbacks-I-MEAN-SPONTANEOUS-GOOD-TREATMENT side? I know many food bloggers, quite a few of whom are fair and principled, and quite a LOT of whom are more interested in pandering to chefs and managers than in pandering to mere readers. Which is to say that disinterestedly critical food blogs are a rare phenomenon, and that this movie isn’t just fiction: it’s speculative fiction, something like a Cuisinart Jurassic Park.

Can you IMAGINE what things would be like if there were, say, an island of truly snarky, untamed bloggers roaming free? It’d be like…Manhattan!

I couldn’t find any “what kind of food critic are you” quizzes, but I did find a Personality Disorder test, a What Nut Are You quiz (you MUST be one, if you’re a blogger, right?), What Herb Are You (I’d rather be Kiki!), and What Taste Are You (you’ll have to ask my ex). So, enjoy?

You Are a Pistachio

You are funky, freaky, and a total character.

You’re very different than anyone you know.

There’s no way you’re changing the way you are…

Which is good, because no one wants you to change.

You Are Cinnamon

You are intelligent and complex. You are both mild mannered and intense.

You are passionate to the point of being overpowering. People can’t ignore your presence.

You are always questioning and learning in your life. You’re on a bit of a spiritual journey.

You are drawn toward power and success. You are never quite satisfied with your achievements.

You Are Bitter

You aren’t bitter at the world, even though you have a strong personality.

Instead, you are sophisticated and cultured. You appreciate acquired tastes.

You are very powerful. You have the ability to change a room’s energy.

While some may find you disagreeable, your points of view are intelligent and interesting.

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12 thoughts on “Bitter Feast: Revenge is a dish best served cold

  1. You Are a Hazelnut
    You are very unique and distinct. You may even freak some people out.
    Most people don’t really know how to interact with you.
    You get along best with anyone who is super sweet.
    But you really do get along with almost anyone. You just need a chance to wow them.

    You Are Basil
    You are a mild mannered person. People feel naturally calm around you.
    You are warm hearted and loving. You have a close knit circle of friends and family.
    You have the courage to be who you are in life, even if others disagree. You’re proud of your uniqueness.
    You are good at caring for and healing others. You are naturally soothing.

    And also bitter…

    LOVE that film clip. Must steal it from you.

  2. By all means! I think I want to see this. But what’s your opinion of the foodie bloggerati? Do you know anyone other than AA Gill who is snarky to pander to the audience? So many of the ones I know are slaves to the PRs. Which does not exclude me, when it comes to Bombay Sapphire, I must admit

  3. There is really a massive range of food bloggers. I tend to ignore the ones that take themselves seriously, and I reckon this film is aimed at them.

    I mean – wtf? At the end of the day it’s just food.

    My main bone of contention these days is with the trendy 25-yr-old food bloggers on Twitter who seem to believe they have invented all this and think old farts like me are, well, old farts.

    I’ve had to take a more critical look at Sevilla Tapas to make sure I am giving readers the real deal. I think in the past I’ve been a bit over-sensitive about maybe hurting someone’s feelings. I’m quite okay about doing this in person, but doing it in print … feels like “ouch”. Anyhoo, working on it.

  4. In Vancouver there’s a brand of 20-something (or wannabe 20-something again) hot girl foodies who take lots of pictures of their plates that “happen” to get cleavage in the shot. PRs love them for obvious reasons. They can actually be quite nice, and some are very intelligent and funny, but only once they’ve gotten the Julia Allison out of their systems.

    I blame Sex and the City. And Anthony Bourdain, for being so sexy.

    And yes, saying anything in print or pixels makes you think twice. I know damn well some of my friends will read this and recognize themselves in it.

  5. The 20-somethings love to go on about HOW MUCH THEY EAT and yet they’re so skinny. Heh, let’s take another look at them in about ten years…

    Anthony Bourdain is a know-nothing piece of crap “stuck in the 80’s” version of a supposed cool chef. Everything he writes sounds so passé, if it were ever true in the first place … which I doubt, except if you happened to have had the very bad fortune to have ever worked for him.

    He’s about as sexy as a pair of Doc Martens. I much prefer more “with it” chefs like Dani Garcia and Jamie Oliver. Very cool, and also cute. And at least they know what they are talking about.

  6. Oh, I believe they eat it. I don’t believe they let it stay down long enough to be digested. Laxative sales are WAY up, for one thing.

    You don’t like Bourdain? Then you won’t like today.

    Jamie Oliver bugs me. “I’m the naked chef,” he says. “Check me out, I’m the naked chef!” and then by the time you look, he’s got his clothes back on.

  7. Lolebrity won’t open for me – keeps timing out. I’ll try it again later.

    I don’t know anyone in the biz who likes Bourdain.

    Jamie Oliver recently did a series “JO does …” in which he “did” Andalucía among other places (Athens, Venice, Stockholm) and it was wonderful. But yeah, he had his clothes on.

  8. Yeah, the whole damn network is down right now. The Boss seems to be tinkering.

    Did I tell you my friend’s Ramsay story? He and Gordon Ramsay worked together at Maxim’s for six months together, and Ramsay never once called him “Sean” or even “Heather,” he just called him “The fucking Paddy” the whole time. What a charmer.

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