Category Archives: Allegory

Japan surrounded by plagues of gigantic jellyfish

Posted on by

Nomura's Jellyfish gets takeout

They might as well surrender. All hail our Scyphozoan Overlords! Really, tabloidy news doesn’t get any better than “Japan surrounded by plagues of giant jellyfish” unless we could somehow work KFed and Posh into it.

From the Daily Yomiuri Online, via Japanprobe, who blames it on China. I thought everything was Korea’s fault?

“Doctor, there’s trouble! The sea is full of jellyfish!” the student shouted…

Full! I tell you! Full, I say!

300 million to 500 million Echizen jellyfish were flowing into the Sea of Japan from the Tsushima Strait every day. After moving northward through the Tsugaru Strait, the jellyfish swam into the Pacific Ocean, ringing the coast of the nation. During their seagoing voyage, the jellyfish grow up to 1.5 meters in diameter and 200 kilograms in weight…

“The only solution seems to be to contain the source of the plague. We urge researchers to determine the cause of the plague. We also ask officials involved in the industry to hold talks with their counterparts in neighboring nations to tackle the plague,” Nishiyama said.

Ah, isn’t this the point at which the smart people start ignoring the experts and invading radio stations with old 78’s of Indian Love Call? Buy land UPHILL, people, buy land UPHILL.

And here, Nomura's Jellyfish attends a buffet

Brokebeer Mountain

Posted on by

from Raj, who probably had no idea I’d load it on Youtube. But there ya go; live and learn (to cross me off your forward lists).

Canadian Rock: Bigger! Harder! Boozier!

deja vu all over again…tissue?

Posted on by

Here’s a report from the GalleyCat blog on MediaBistro, of all places, on what Alan Moore’s up to now. This should be good for what we in the biz call “coverage.” Wide coverage.

Peter Pan Heirs Protest Wendy’s Porn Comic

Moore’s latest project, Lost Girls: a “porno-graphic” novel in which Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz meets Alice from Alice in Wonderland and Wendy from Peter Pan, and (as near as I can make out from the descriptions) they tell each other X-rated versions of their stories while having hot sex with each other.

Ellie Dee in the Land of Woz...it's still around here somewhere under all the Vanity FairsWell, near as I can make out this is actually just a retread of Ellie Dee in the Land of Woz, which is an old comic book from the XXX Cherry Poptart comic juggernaut by Larry Welz, and which is still around here somewhere, no doubt under all the unpaid bills and piles of Vanity Fair back issues. That comic featured Cherry’s geeky friend Ellie falling through a wormhole in her laptop or somesuch and ending up in the land of Woz, ie Steve Wozniak, inventor of the Apple computer. The Wicked Witch of the West was a dominatrix and the Tin Man was a horny robot. Sorry, pix will have to wait. Strangely, it seems the Vancouver Public Library computers aren’t too terribly fond of such illustrations as I wish to lay on you. All better now.

The Times of London reports that Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children is saying permission must be sought to write about Wendy, and it doesn’t sound like they’re inclined to give it.

Fuck Censorship

Moore is unmoved: “I don’t see that you can ban anything in this day and age,” he tells the Times.

There’s a quote for the ages. If his lawyers can successfully defend it, back up goes my Mentos and Diet Coke video, stat.

Mentos, Diet Coke, cascading fountains of pop fizz, children’s literature, and porn. That would be a video for the ages. At least, all of them over eighteen.

Cherry is confused. And prescient.

my favorite tv show

Posted on by

Meanspirited, isolated, smartassed, underachieving, two-thirds robotic and one-third underemployed, the stars of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 are the Platonic ideal of Generation Xers.

Let's watch as they teach us how to sell Chevys door-to-door:

and possibly the most infamous clip of all, Mister B Natural.

Part One.

"Is that Liberace's mom?"

And Part Two.

"Oscar Wilde only wishes he was this gay."

now THAT is what I call a Happy Meal

Posted on by

from Sploid.

A 25-year-old [Australian] woman was recently arrested for attempting to smuggle drugs into the country from Singapore by swallowing a mind-boggling 329 heroin-filled condoms.

Now, it says right there they were not just "containing" heroin, but were actually filled with the stuff. Let's think about that a moment, shall we?

Oh would it fucking kill you to play along?

So, they were condoms. And they were filled. I don't know (and wouldn't presume to guess) whether or not you're familiar with the usual dimensions of a filled condom, but it does take up a bit of volume, variable though it may be from iteration to iteration and even from moment to moment.

Now let's do the math.

As I recently completed, at the cost of three irrevocably spent months out of my life and, additionally, significant cost to the Canadian taxpayer, the JobSTART pre-employment training program, which is designed for those coming out of long-term prison sentences and aimed at helping them complete their high school equivalency (ours is not to reason why, because at Welfare they're not used to reason and it upsets them), I am all up on this math shit, yo.

The average condom-stuffing unit is six inches in length, and, for whites, one point five inches in diameter. This, however, is useless information because unless it was actually China White she was carrying, it was probably brown heroin, and as you can see from the reference page, Brown condom stuffers have an average length of between six point two six inches and eight inches, along with an average diameter of two inches.

If it was China White, of course, we would need further research to determine whether the Chinese (4-5" in length and 1.25" in diameter) or the White (5.5-6" in length and 1.5" in diameter) were dominant in this sample.

Assuming, then, that the sample in question was brown heroin, the average volume of the condoms in question was:

[8-(8-6.26)/2=8-1.74/2=8-0.87=7.13]x(pi)(rxr)

which is 7.13×3.14×1=22.3882

Twenty-two point three eight eight two cubic inches of brown heroin per condom is quite a mouthful. Let us hope they were the flavoured kind; they go down easier.

More math:

329 condoms x 22.3882 cubic inches = 7365.7178 total cubic inches, or about 19,000cc's of heroin.

That's larger than the Caribou 6000 expedition pack which, we note, features "An adjustable inside shelf helps to compartmentalize your packing" which would no doubt have come in handy, had the Aussie in question possessed a gastrointestinal system provided with such.

7500 cubic inches will cost you $110 to fire in the kiln here, although should you attempt to do so with heroin I would expect a few pointed questions and maybe a massive sugar craving. But it's better than patchouli!

It is also the size of the intimidating-looking Extended Mission Ruck. This damn thing looks like it was engineered so you could go over to Iraq and just scoop the insurgents, securing them safely in place with one of the eighteen billion, not at all fetishistic straps festooning this 100% Made In America monster.

EMR

To put things in perspective, 7500 cubic inches is the capacity of this Modular Hauler truck bed, the largest the company manufactures.

It is also, for our metric-savvy readers, approximately 19,000 cubic centimetres, which is the size of the engine used at KittyHawk.

Back then, 19,000cc's only sufficed to get one man 15 feet off the ground. Nowadays, it could provide decent highs for over 600!

Ah, progress!