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Why pay big bucks for your chick beer when you can now make your very own ciders and perry? A tenth of the cost of Smirnoff Ice, and far more pretention-worthy than anything out of a can or a plastic bottle, plus full of nutritious vitamins and minerals. Also, phytochemicals. That’s right; we’re here to help you get shitfaced responsibly. Your liver may not thank me but research (and my luck in singles bars) indicates your colon will.
The best way to thank me is to invite me over to sample a batch and send me home in a limo with a couple of cases.
From The Real Cider and Perry Page. Give it a go and let me know when you’ve got Growers, Merridale, and Strongbow on the run.
…The juice was collected in a 30 gallon plastic bin that was once used to carry Strawberries around. We added 5 LB’s of Raisons and let it ferment outside for 3 months. After 3 months we racked it off into 5 gallon barrels and started drinking it a few months later. Next time I’ll wash the hessian more thoroughly since the cider had a distinct hessianny taste! – this lead to some wag christening it as “Sacks’N’Socks Cider” (Anglo pun intended!). The cider also matures much better in the barrels than it did in bottles – it keeps so well it doesn’t seem worth the effort to bottle.
So all in all very successful – and sooooo easy compared with beermaking!
and here, for ease of use even when drunk, is the recipe index.
Cider Recipes
Perry Recipes
Yup: play along at home as Gillian busts her Perry Cherry.
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I’m sure that this question is keeping you awake nights. “Am I more nutty or dry? Fragrant or just pungent?” you doubtless mutter to the dark spaces between the stars as you lie abed, consumed with existential dread and the faint aroma of the dairy products you inadvisedly consumed in the search for knowledge, even though you are lactose intolerant.
How, O Lord! How can we go on without knowing what verdict the Online Cheese Comparator will render?
Your cheese rating is: Neufchâtel
A traditional soft, white table cheese from Normandy in France. Neufchâtel smells and tastes of mushrooms. It has a dry, velvety rind, and a grainy texture. When mature, Neufchâtel develops a bitter, salty, acrid taste.
Well fuck that ridiculous Online Cheese Comparator, then! It’s obviously completely inaccurate and can’t tell a mellow, non-fungal-scented, soft and gentle soul when it runs one through its cheese-identity-detector algorithm.
Harumph!
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Click to go to the pic on the page, size queens! Another entry in Amy Sedaris’ Googly Eyes on Food contest; this is from the same demented yet talented mind that brought you Shoggoth in a Tube. Personally, I think this, which didn’t even place, is a much finer example of the g-e-o-f principle than the ultimate weiner winner. I mean, who among us hasn’t made a weiner octopus already, I mean really, eh? But have you ever had the creativity and inspiration to make a severed unicorn head out of a garlic clove, and if you have, would it have occurred to you to set up a dramatic tableau referencing the immortal silent classic film Nosferatu?
I ask you that!
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From this very talented entrant to the charmingly deranged Amy (my favorite Sedaris) Sedaris‘s cutsie craft contest, Put Googly Eyes On Food or whatever the hell it was called.
I’m sure she stole the inspiration from Googly Eyes on Cock, by the way; I wonder if it’s the same photographer who did both Shoggoths?
And now, a musical interlude. Byakhee, Byakhee, from the musical parody Shoggoth on the Roof. Lyrics over the abyss…
Regardless, do not miss the dramatic and mythologically accurate tableau of Severed Unicorn Head versus Nosferatu.
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raincoaster 