I was kind of disappointed not to be Godzilla, there’s no denying it, but maybe this quiz is limited to mundane reptiles, as if there is such a thing. As it is, I shall attempt to take pride in my kinship to Gustave and the lost people of Irem, lost city of the Arabian desert.
You Are a Crocodile
You are incredibly wise and knowledgeable.
In fact, your wisdom is so deep that it sometimes consumes you.People are intrigued by you, but you find few people intriguing.
You are not a very social creature.
You are cunning. You enjoy deceiving people a little.
You are able to find balance in your life, and you can survive anything.
The Bevolicher, a carnivorous creature which lives on the flesh of baristas, is reported to be at large. Please report Bevolicher sightings to your local branch of the Masons or Knights Templar, as appropriate. Do not approach the Bevolicher yourself, as it may be dangerously peckish and prone to noxiously obscure foreign film references.
I know we’re all about the YouTubes this week, but this one is just too damn good to miss. A sweet, wee baby laughing and having fun. Awwww! Isn’t she cute? So why am I reflexively clutching this crucifix?
You may notice a theme here at the ol’ raincoaster blog; an aquatic, perhaps even amphibious theme: water monsters. And in the pantheon of water monsters, Gustave the Killer Croc ranks very high indeed.
Gustave is just your average Burundian crocodile. He minds his own business, he keeps to himself, he weighs over a ton, he’s the length of a schoolbus, he kills and eats a few fishermen from time to time (estimates range up to 300, although this may be subject to the “African Hyperbole Discount“). There is some hesitation to take issue with his murderous ways, however, because he is indeed quite large and, apparently, impervious to bullets. He even has a colourful French nemesis, just like in the comic books: Patrice Faye, an obsessed Gustave-hunter:
Like Captain Ahab, the self-taught naturalist is preoccupied with one monster in particular: Gustave, the largest, most fabled crocodile in all of Africa—a demonic Loch Ness Monster of incredible proportions and, according to legend, appetite. Gustave is reputed to have devoured hundreds of villagers, snatching them from the banks of the Rusizi and the northeastern shores of Lake Tanganyika. Faye estimates that the massive croc measures 20 feet (6 meters) long, weighs one ton (907 kilograms), and is 60 years old (wild crocs, on average, live to age 45). Trained herpetologists agree that Gustave could be that large and that he is certainly one of the most infamous man-eaters of all time. But Faye’s assertion that Gustave kills for sport—knocking off villager after villager like some killing machine—leaves skeptics clearing their throats.
Well, personally I don’t think reptiles are that bright, but then I don’t think country-western fans are smart enough to walk on their hind legs unassisted either, yet somehow they do! Gustave went underground for a period, but has been seen as recently as February of this year, identified by the numerous and completely ineffectual bulletholes that pocket his scaly hide.
Zombies in Plain English
Did you know that zombies come from British Columbia? It’s true. It’s a fact.
It’s a well-known fact that the common-or-garden zombie is an unsophisticated creature, preferring the isolation of the countryside, farms, campsites, and small towns to the cramped confines of large metropolii. As with all species, however, urban encroachment upon their natural habitat has led to increasing pressure on the indigenous zombie population, and to increasing incidents of conflict and contact.
So it was that this past Tuesday a zombie was found wandering the semi-rural streets of Langley, a placid suburb of Greater Vancouver, a Lesser Vancouver if you will.
Christopher Edgar Parmiter, 37, of Surrey has been identified as the man whose body was discovered underneath a tractor-trailer unit on Industrial Avenue on Tuesday morning.
The top salesman for Chrysler in Western Canada, Parmiter may have been dead for several hours before he was found at 7:40 a.m.
According to his brother Mark Babor, Parmiter was involved in a low-speed crash involving just his car, a red 2008 Viper, in the area of Fraser Highway and the 208 Street causeway.
His car sustained only minor damage and, Babor said, an autopsy revealed no physical trauma to Parmiter’s body.
If only he had left a blog behind…we could have had some insight into his motivations. Surely, however, disorientation and brain lust must, as always, have been at the forefront. If you doubt, just realize that in life, he was the kind of man who drove a Viper. Obviously, he’d be in need of brains.
raincoaster 