Anger Management, with Kirk and Spock

Wolverine was a big hit on the Carnaval Cruise Line lido deck

Wolverine was a big hit on the Carnaval Cruise Line lido deck

I don’t know about you, but when I think about tips for managing those tricky adolescent hormonal and emotional firestorms, I think first of the cast of the original Star Trek. Here are Kirk and Spock starring in a Nerdy Instructional Film on the highly fraught topic of Anger Management.

Chihuahorror for Kurt Cobain

Kurt Cobain welcomes the Herald of Death

Kurt Cobain welcomes the Herald of Death

Once the Purse Dog of the Apocalypse arrives, a wise man knows he’s not long for this world. Look upon the face of a man who knows his time is nearly up (or, as someone said of Courtney Love, “If you were married to her, wouldn’t you kill yourself?”).

In related apocalyptic celebrity news:

A New Year’s prayer from Jeff Buckley (raincoaster)

Dear 2010, kiss my ass (Lolebrity)

The Cure for 2010 (Ayyyy)

Strangely, nothing to do with Milton Berle (Manolofood)

Ashton Kutcher, bringer of the apocalypse (AgentBedhead)

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, or so we hope (BusyBeeBlogger)

Ugly Sweaters: so 2010. The Look of Today? Ugly Leggings (CeleBitchy)

Shania Twain knows whose bed his boots have been under (CelebritySmack)

But there’s still time, Michelle! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Bikini Fails of 2010 (CityRag)

Paula Abdul is sotally tober! (DailyStab)

If he were as hot as Russel Brand, he wouldn’t be forced into rehab (Earsucker)

Dear Ex, u got servd, sincerely Lady Gaga (FitFabCeleb)

Lisa Rinna SANS FARDS (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Justin Bieber went slumming for New Year’s (GossipTeen)

Valerie Bertinelli knows how to rock a second wedding dress (HaveUHeard)

Lindsay, the FIRST step is admitting you have a problem (INeedMyFix)

Vanessa Hudgens can’t figure out which end of her pants needs hitching (JustJared)

Kathy Griffin is going to f—– Palin up this year (PerezHilton)

BritBrit to do GQ (PoorBritney)

Bitchy Brits vs Stateside Celebs (PopBytes)

John Stamos cast in Twilight??? (SeriouslyOMG)

You will never look this good in a bikini (TheSkinny)

Alexander Pope, on the state of my gastro-intestinal system

I think Pete can give you some answers

I think Pete can give you some answers

Well, it seems as if just EVERYONE is talking about me, all up in my bowels, including Old Dead White Guy Alexander Pope. Still, although this dude has been dead since 1744, he’s all up in my biznass and up on the facts, so it would seem, for this does indeed explain a great deal.

From ItWasNow:

Memorable Audiene of the 19th of February, 1789.
Illustrated by
The
NEW DOCTRINE of FUNDAMENTALS,
or a
Metaphysico-Medico-Political Comment
On a Passage in St. Paul,
“The Cretans are always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.”
St. Paul Epist. to Corinth. x. 22.
~*~*~*~

My friend Dr. Purcell, understands by the term slow bellies, that the Cretans seldom went to stool, and, that thefaeces reacting on their blood, put them into a bad humour, and made them EVIL BEASTS, ill-tempered brutes.  It is very true, that a man who seldom goes to stool, will be more choleric than another.  His bile does not flow ; it is boiled over again, and his blood grues adust.

The morning that you have a favour to ask of a VICEROY, or his SEC. inform yourself particularly on the state of their bowels.  If they have a free passage, it is the mollia tempus fandi.

Every one knows that a man’s character and disposition depends entirely on his intercourse with the necessary-house.  The late Lord Sackville would not have urged on the American war at such a sanguinary rate, had he not been troubled with haemoirhoides in his intestinum rectum, which indurated the faeces.  The Princess Dowager of Wales used to call him Rotten A—e.  This nickname redoubled the acrimony of his bile, and probably cost Mr. Laurens his liberty, and Dr. Dodd his life.

That immaculate paragon of political and moral excellence, the present Premier of Great Britain, is habitually costive, notwithstanding the Bishop of Lincoln’s (Dr. Prettyman) prescription of an Ounce of Rhubarb every morn.  It is very probable, that the Rt. Rev. Doctor, when SEC. to Mr. Pitt, sometimes experienced the effects of this fundamental bondage in the latter, as I have been told by Captain J—n who used to amuse the D. of Rutland with the story, that Dr. P’s first question to Mr. Pitt’s valet was, “Well! what news from the water closet?

Many yet remember that famous Phillippic pronounced by the present Marquis of Lansdown, shortly after a difference with his quondam coadjutor and pupil, in which, amongst other strokes, we find the marquis recommending to Mr. P’s serious attention the caution of Mentor to Telemachus on, “the predominance of humour” and proposing that it be transcribed and placed at the bed’s head of every Minister in Christendom.  Thus making it of equal import with the recollective rule of Philip of Macedon, in whose chamber a Lord was in waiting for the whole purpose of reminding his Kingship when he waked in the morning “That he was a man”—But to resume, if we could recur to Mr. Pitt’s diary at the time above alluded to, we she [sic] should doubtless find a ready solution to the Marquis’s counsel.

It is said our present magnanimous and generous Chief Governor ;  (whom God long preserve!) is sometimes so plugged up,— that he is obliged to have recourse to Bartlet’s horse purging balls!  This much transpired from his groom of the water closet, who lately bought a large quantity of Mr. Magee, who is in expectation of an exclusive patent for the sale of this valuable Apertive.  It were to be wished that the day the two Houses went up with the Address, that his Excellency and his posterior’s had made a few detachments to the Water closet ;—perhaps the Lords and Gentlemen would have then hit on the mollia tempore fandi!

Temple Spectacles!  A Tale For Seventeen Hundred and Eighty Nine.  See ****** damn’d to everlasting Fame.  Pope.  By the Author of the Prelateiad. Dublin : printed for H. Chamberlaine and Heery & Co., [1789?]
Library Company of Philadelphia
O Eng Temp Spec 1789 15615.O.5

(Source: librarycompany.org)

Latest HumanPearl news: Had a lightning-strike gallstone attack resulting from eating the best part of a half-box of Toffifee while under doctor’s orders to avoid fat (sugar, I knew, but who knew caramel had butter in it?). It hit at 2:05, a cold-sweat-inducing 8 on the pain scale and I was out of the hospital, home and on Dilaudid at 3 on the pain scale within two hours.

Coming soon: Xanadu, Yelp-style

a pretentious little quadrangle, with overtones of morbid obesity

a pretentious little quadrangle, with overtones of morbid obesity

Still too woozy from my latest hospital visit to do a useful post, but very soon I shall put up a restaurant review-style comparison of the multifarious psychoactive substances the wonderful Canadian healthcare system has been doling out to me gratis. Not sure whether to rate them on overall experience or just quality of hallucinations, but definitely in there somewhere.

Today the Emergency Room doctor told me my Demerol space cosmonaut monkey hallucination was “totally awesome.” I think it made his day. God knows, it made mine.

I can see where you're coming from, man.

I can see where you're coming from, man.

Calvin and Hobbes and a business model I can really get behind

calvin is SO right

calvin is SO right

I’m telling you, if I can figure out a way to get this to pay, I’m gonna be a BAJILLIONAIRE. In the meantime, here’s a short list of some people who could use some swift ass-kickery.

Dear Santa, is it SO much to ask… (raincoaster)

Santa Andy has to put up with some mean drunks on Christmas (Ayyyy)

Julia Child, acolyte of Cthulhu??? (ManoloFood)

Ryan Gosling is into light bondage (Lolebrity)

The War on Christmas tweets (AgentBedhead)

Jennifer Aniston has the scent of desperation (AmyGrindhouse)

Hugh Jackman has cricket balls (BusyBeeBlogger)

Alanis Morissette for Ever (CeleBitchy)

Natalie Portman is packing babeh, off the market (CelebritySmack)

Is EVERYONE pregnant? Please stop her before she breeds (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Hottest accessory of 2010: Klingonhead (CityRag)

But would Lady Gaga have broken up the Beatles? (EvilBeet)

KK hits rock bottom and starts digging (FitFabCeleb)

World’s most hated couple makes honest homewreckers of one another(GabbyBabble)

Best Busts of 2010 (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kelly Osbourne goes Full Flamewar (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber’s impurity ring (INeedMyFix)

To get your little gold man, get a little man of your own (Movieline)

Richard Chamberlain comes out, Perez whacks him (PerezHilton)

and all I got were slipper socks. AGAIN (PopBytes)

Lily Allen is engaged (PopSugar)

Santa brought the world some JLoHew/AlyMil action (SeriouslyOMG)

Charlie Sheen not dead (WeNewsIt)

My new favorite stocking stuffer gift, now and forever

My new favorite stocking stuffer gift, now and forever