Category Archives: Singles

linkie o’ the day: everything DOES have a fansite

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And, until recently, an annual convention (and has the word ever been less aptly applied?).

SegwayFest!

You read that right. SegwayFest! Note the super-hyped “!” !!!! From 2003-2005 inclusive, the world’s largest collection of elastic waist chino enthusiasts gathered annually at a Southern backwater city chosen for the ready availability of cheap Redbull and Day’s Inns for their annual Lazy Dork Rodeo. Alas, it is no more, and these bereft vacationeers will have to content themselves with weekend jaunts to Excalibur! (also “!”) in Vegas.

Behold: Segway butts

Every year, in conjunction with other Segway® HT enthusiasts and Segway enthusiast organizations [!!!!!!](such as SegwayChat and SEG America), Segway LLC supports a national gathering for the Segway HT community.

Dubbed SegwayFest, 2003 marked the first year of this gathering and was attended by over 150 people from around the country. SegwayFest! 2003 was held in Chicago while SegwayFest! 2004 was held in Bonita Springs, Florida. Each SegwayFest offers in-depth workshops, educational seminars, “Ask the Experts” sessions, social gatherings, Segway HT skill competitions, special guest speakers, and more!

“And more!” Wow, “over 150 people!” I guess those big numbers start to get confusing, especially after the second or third RedBull.

And here are the true believers, men (?) and women (?) not afraid to pose with their Segways in full polo gear. Ralph Lauren would be so proud; he can’t use his legs much either.

Segway polo

Welcome to SEG America
the national Segway Enthusiasts Group!

Oh god, more “!”

Welcome to the Segway Enthusiasts Group – America, the official national organization for enthusiasts and owners of the Segway® Human Transporter (HT)! We are an independent, national organization that can help bring together Segway HT owners and enthusiasts across the country as we share our interest in the Segway HT. SEG America is run by its members for its members. Our primary goal is to act as a tool to enable Segway enthusiasts to share information and experiences with each other and to move forward the concept of the Segway HT as new mode of transportation.

I love how they always call it the Segway HT, as if there were a whole raft of other Segways out there you might confuse it with. And, I suppose, after the second or third RedBull, you might.

Help Wanted: URGENT!

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Like, seriously, people. I am begging, here!

So I’m house-sitting. It’s not too strenuous, asking nothing more of me than checking the mail, cleaning the litterbox, and making sure the cats don’t starve (by the look of them it would take a couple of weeks at minimum). Okay, so the litterbox thing doesn’t thrill me, but it’s better than staying in my own hovel, scraping mushrooms out of the carpet and moss off the interior walls and eating my own crappy food for a week. Hmmm, chocolate pudding and steak versus brown rice and marked-down veggie slaw? That’s a tough call…

But suddenly, there is so very much more on the line.

MeatheadYesterday I reached into the freezer, as I had done each of the days of my occupation. And, as I had done each of those days, I pulled out something meat-oriented. Meaty. Meatful. Something of meatification.

No, I did not know what it was. I’m single; I’m undomesticated; I’m “poverty vegetarian.” I mean, I’m sitting here at two-bloody-thirty in the morning, snacking on green salad! I’ve never seen a piece of meat that big outside of those decorative and charming Christmas displays of skinned sheep’s head. Had I known, I’d have returned it to the freezer unthawed, unseen, untouched. Ignorance, truly, is bliss.

It was a four-pound, Grade A dilemma.

Thinking, perhaps, that steaks looked like that when they huddled together in the freezer for warmth, I blithely plopped the meatastic mass into a bowl and put it on a shelf in the fridge, as I remember from my distant, wholesome Ontarian past that you’re supposed to do when you thaw meat. I took it out this morning to take a look at it.

Pot roast.James Barber

What the hell do you do with pot roast, people???? I have no Joy of Cooking here to instruct me in the esoteric ways of the oven. I have no Urban Peasant, leaning benevolently over my shoulder and croaking, “Browning, the secret it is.”

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only remaining hope.

Does anyone out there know how to cook pot roast?

Quiz Fun with Ann Coulter

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You know her; she’s the shrill, brittle Republican chick. No, not that one; you’re thinking of Mary Matalin. The other shrill, brittle Republican chick; the deep-fried blonde, bleached to a middle-aged semblence of desirability, fake & bake tanned to leathery perfection, starved to the point of Brancusi-like cuddliness. If she fell against a table she wouldn’t bruise; she’d chip. THAT one. If you’re Canadian, you may recall the time she so ably represented the US education system by maintaining, against even our polite CBC moderator’s spoken objections, that the Canadian military fought alongside the Americans in Vietnam. Vietnam, Korea, I guess they all look alike, right?

The Ann Coulter Quiz from Esquire, via Minor Tweaks via Gawker.

The Ann Coulter Quiz
From a feature in April’s Esquire in which semi-famous women give men romantic advice:

Coulter Rwanda

“Ann Coulter: When we’re telling you about our day, pretend there’s going to be a quiz later.”

1. For breakfast, did I have …

a.) eggs and toast
b.) strawberry yogurt
c.) an English muffin
d.) the still-beating heart of a newborn lamb washed down with the bitter tears of the world’s poor

2. Did I research my next column by …

a.) considering others’ opinions before reaching my own
b.) engaging in civil discussion with a friend
c.) meditating on what really matters
d.) recycling the same jingoistic nonsense, but inserting different racially offensive epithets and new historical inaccuracies

3.) How did I spend the rest of my day?

a.) Apologizing profusely for making our nation’s discourse less reasoned and more hateful
b.) Scolding myself mercilessly for appealing to the comfortable prejudices of the least-thoughtful among us
c.) Searching my soul for some lonely glimmer of humanity
d.) none of the above

Oops, I blogged it again

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Okay, so for those of you who are too stupid to realize you’re deploying history’s most effective information-dissemination weapon when you blog, we present the following, moronic, cautionary tale:

brain lightning

It is with a heavy heart that today I must announce the temporary suspension of Cocaine Corner. After the events of this week–which for various reasons I cannot detail in this forum–it has become clear to me that this endeavor simply cannot be continued for the time being. In retrospect, it now seems completely idiotic to have documented, in writing, the types of things I’ve documented on this site, and for that, I’ll always be sorry.

 

Steak and Blowjob Day

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Steak and Blowjob DayI am (we all are) indebted to Gawker for this one. If only my links were working, but they’re not, so I have to give it to you rough. I know my people; you like it like that!
http://www.steakandbjday.com/

Whoopsie, looks like Photobucket has a tiny…problem. So we’ll just host our images at WordPress.com instead, shall we.

steak and bj day