Friday Fright Night B Movie-O-Rama: Spider Baby!

Lon Chaney Jr

Lon Chaney Jr

And me stone-cold sober!

It’s time for a seriously cheesy, seriously un-serious movie starring one of the Great Old Ones of Hollywood: Lon Chaney Jr. He had a Freudianer, or at least Oedipalier time of it than most, as his father will be forever famous for his portrayals of various costumed monsters. Lon Jr started that way, too, as name recognition is quite useful when it comes to starting a career sometimes; he even changed his name from Creighton Tull Chaney to Lon Jr. He had to wait till his father was safely dead before stepping into his shoes, though. Soon enough he proved himself as a character actor and even, when cleaned up, a leading man, in one of my favorite oldie melodramas, The Shadow of Silk Lennox. But it was just so easy to get jobs in horror films.

His particular niche was slightly dumb, generably amiable, inadvertently sinister character roles. There were quite a lot of them to go around, too. Basically if it was insufficiently classy for Boris Karloff, Chaney got it. He’s most famous for playing the Wolf Man, although to my taste the Spaniard Paul Naschy was better at that role.

Here he is as the faithful servant of a decayed and sinister family in the weirdly mod (check out those opening credits!) 1967 horror flick Spider Baby, or The Maddest Story Ever Told! Someone needs to make an Austin Powers version of this, seriously. Or at least a Scooby Doo one.

In a dilapidated rural mansion, the last generation of the degenerate, inbred Merrye family lives with the inherited curse of a disease that causes them to mentally regress from the age of 10 or so on as they physically develop. The family chauffeur looks out for them and covers up their indiscretions. Trouble comes when greedy distant relatives and their lawyer arrive to dispossess the family of its home.

Bonus: CAROL OHMART! You remember her! From the Vincent Price 1959 classic The House on Haunted Hill (the one that was actually filmed IN the house reputed to be haunted)? She played the conniving trophy wife. Of COURSE she did; just look at her! Anyway, she’s another leading lady who could act rings around most, and who never enjoyed the success she deserved.

Carol Ohmart should have stayed a pantherian brunette rather than a leonine blonde

Carol Ohmart should have stayed a pantherian brunette rather than a leonine blonde

The suggested cocktail pairing with tonight’s gruesome entertainment is the White Spider Cocktail. Oh yes, there’s another version, but it’s made with vodka and therefore clearly inferior. We’ll wait while you mix yourself one…

White Spider

ingredients:
1 ounce Gin
1 ounce Lemon Juice
1/2 ounce Cointreau
1 tsp Simple Syrup

Combine ingredients with ice in cocktail shaker. Give it a few vigorous shakes and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

There, ready? Click to enjoy Spider Baby or The Maddest Story Ever Told in full!

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Friday WORK THROUGH THE PAIN Playlist

TGIF motherfuckers

TGIF motherfuckers

You know those times when it’s the last day of a long week and you stay up all night to get your work done for the editor who told you to have it done and then he isn’t even at work today and you’re still awake from yesterday but it’s fine, really, it’s fine.

Because you have this music to keep you going.

Gwen Stefani, Queen, Beastie Boys, New Kids on the Block, Joan Jett, Run DMC, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Nirvana and Offspring.
Of course.

Adeleney!

Suave, sophisticated, surgically preserved Gloria Trevi

Young, crazy Gloria Trevi, headbutting the camera, knocking the set over, and humping her way across the floor with a hand in her “pocket”.

Christina Aguilera, who may be an obnoxious person but who can sing like an angel, specifically Michael, because Michael fucking kicks ass.

P!nk, of course. God, I’ve got to get back into boxing.

House of Pain, the Beatles, Joan Jett, Cypress Hill, Rage Against the Machine

Soul Side In covering Pat Benatar. The video is tawdry, the cover is awesome.

If this playlist doesn’t get or keep you going, I’m afraid there’s some bad news: you’re clinically dead.