advice columns of the lesser gods

Ramalamadingdong shoesOne does not lightly call the great shoeblogger the Manolo a “lesser” anything, but in a world which considers the phreaky fashion troll John Galliano to be a major god, well we must have a point of differentiation, so there it is.

In the world of advice columns, there is a wide range of approaches and, frankly, quality of advice. I am the humble and ashamed owner of “Can My Bridesmaids Wear Black,” an etiquette book which, at $1.95 for the hardcover on the “Please get these out of our store” table, was overpriced by approximately $2. And all the new (ie late-, as opposed to mid- or early-20th Century) Emily Post books are good primarily as fodder for humorous comparisons with books which don’t suck quite so hard.

In the world of advice columnists, the gods, of greatery or lesseryness as the case may be, there are Miss Manners, Ask a Ninja, Ask a Squid, and The Manolo. Of the first three we shall not speak…yet. Of the Manolo, we shall give only the following, perfect morsel. It is the superfantastic. It will be enough.

Dear Manolo,I’ve bitten the bullet and left academia and gone back to my true love—baking. I am opening a small bakery and I need to some comfortable, yet stylish shoes that have non-slip soles, can bear being covered in butter and sugar, but would still look good when I help in the front.
Kay

The Manolo says,
of the course, there are those who believe that one would be foolish to give up the golden perks of academia, such as the pleasures of frequently reading the papers in which the word “hermeneutics” appears twice in the first sentence, once juxtaposed next to the phrase “Gilligan’s Island”.

What? No more faculty meetings in which the professor of Marxist marketing comes to blows with the elderly Emily Bronte scholar over the matter of parking spaces?

Magritte Bowler shooz

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CSI Miami: snappy lines and sunglasses

Video: David Caruso works the one-liners and specs. And he works them like they’ve never been worked before.

What a facial tic is to Robert DeNiro, what a cane was to Charlie Chaplin, what breasts were to Anna Nicole Smith, sunglasses are to David Caruso. In uniting his limitless repetoire of placement and removal with his unmatched ability to deliver the cutting and dramatic one-liner, this video has perfectly showcased the entire range of Caruso‘s talent in less than four minutes.

Is there an Emmy for Best Sunspec Snap? Continue reading

Oops, she did it again: Britney busts out of rehab…again

Britney, baldingYep, that’s twice in a week the demented ex-songbird has gone over the wall.  First was Eric Clapton’s posh tank in Antigua, but the apparent gin drought on the tropical paradise was too much for the delicate pipes of the mistress of the High C, so she bailed, flying home to LA whereupon she staggered around the Valley for awhile, shaved her head (the curtains finally match the carpet!), got a couple of tattoos, attempted to rent a room at a posh hotel with nothing more than a lighter and some pocket lint, put her new house on the market, and on Tuesday voluntarily went to the Promises residential rehab in Malibu.

Now ETonline says she’s out again.

Sources tell ET that BRITNEY SPEARS left Promises residential treatment center in Malibu, CA early this morning — less than 24 hours after checking into the facility.

Following the news that she was in rehab, her manager LARRY RUDOLPH released a statement Tuesday, saying, “Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time.”…

Oops, she did it again!

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win a date to the Oscars!

Halle-on-Adrien action...or was it Adrien-on-Halle?

Okay, so I’m pimping out a total stranger. I’d feel worse about it if it weren’t a stranger who was already advertising for companionship on Craigslist. Sue me; it didn’t say “do not forward/repost.” Those restrictions are, of course, sacred to me, as they should be to all right-thinking and discreet peoples.

So I find out, via Defamer, that this guy (and it is a guy, and furthermore an allegedly straight, single, blue-eyed blond one at that!) is a screenwriter type who needs a date for the Oscars. Writing Dreamworks off entirely, he asks that the date be of the opposite sex, and who are we to suggest otherwise, although rigidity in these matters is not exactly, shall we say, indicative of having the right DNA for Hollywood.

We at the ol’ raincoaster blog are here to help. Behold the original posting with contact deets:

Hello,

It looks like due to a huge screenwriting windfall they want to give me 2 tickets to the Oscars. Being single right now means, yes, I need a date. So I thought I’d try to find a “real” date with someone outside my ususal circle of friends.

I’m 38, successful, I’m told I’m good looking, blondish hair with blue eyes, 185 pounds and 6 feet tall. The only thing I ask is that you can be discrete [sic] when staring at celebrities, and of course don’t be embarrassing while we are at the after-parties. Drunk is fine (and fun), embarrassing is not. [ed- I think I’m in love]

I’d think we should meet up before for a drink and see if we hit it off. Please send a couple pictures when you reply, not just asking me to send one first. I posted this weeks ago and ended up with someone who flaked.

Thanks!

Location: Beverly Hills

Reply to: pers-280353013 at craigslist.org

Well, what are you waiting for?

Defamer commenter and talented researcher Adele H has thoughtfully made a list of all the nominated writers, which we paste here with links to whatever images we can find, for blond-blue-eyedness-comparison purposes:

“Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (20th Century Fox)
Screenplay by Sacha Baron Cohen & Anthony Hines & Peter Baynham & Dan Mazer
Story by Sacha Baron Cohen & Peter Baynham & Anthony Hines & Todd Phillips
“Children of Men” (Universal)
Screenplay by Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby
“The Departed” (Warner Bros.)
Screenplay by William Monahan
“Little Children” (New Line)
Screenplay by Todd Field & Tom Perrotta
“Notes on a Scandal” (Fox Searchlight)
Screenplay by Patrick Marber
Original screenplay
“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage)
Written by Guillermo Arriaga
“Letters from Iwo Jima” (Warner Bros.)
Screenplay by Iris Yamashita
Story by Iris Yamashita & Paul Haggis
“Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)
Written by Michael Arndt
“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse)
Written by Guillermo del Toro
“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada)
Written by Peter Morgan 

She's on the market, boys!Too bad all the good-looking ones are not blond (or are invisible to Google; assistants, get posting those headshots to IMDB, stat!).

There: don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya. In case it goes well, you should know that I LOVE weddings…so save me an invitation. I promise not to sell the location to Rupert Murdoch.

I’d liveblog it instead.

Of course, if that doesn’t work for the lad, there’s always Castadate:

Look, people are busy...

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the greatest interpretation of Total Eclipse of the Heart in the history of music

Or the future, either, come to think of it. In a world which contains Bonnie Tyler‘s pared-to-the-bone proto-emo wail as well as the postmodern Total Eclipse of Good Taste by the Norwegian novelty band Hurra Torpedo, performed on electric guitar and kitchen appliances, (and now, from Defamer, comes word that even that staggery goddess of the trailer park Tara Reid has taken a shot at this tatty survivor…perhaps the last ditty that will have her) there is simply no rendition, extraordinary or otherwise, that can compare to the immortal Kiki and Herb performing an all-too-heartfelt version of Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Poor Coco!

(as for the Squid tag…what do you think happened to her, eh?
Kids don’t dissolve in seawater, my friends)

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