Title heartlessly stolen from a commenter on Gawker. Picture heartlessly stolen from Curbed, which is where Gawker stole it from.
All the best thieves leave pingbacks, you know.
In its own way, this is perfect today: on the way home from the library I passed an electric skateboard, an electric Razor scooter, and an electric bicycle. And here’s me, pirating an extension cord fulla volts to power the compy, blogging by the light of two coal oil lamps. But I can park my rollerblades anywhere.
Here’s a report from the GalleyCat blog on MediaBistro, of all places, on what Alan Moore’s up to now. This should be good for what we in the biz call “coverage.” Wide coverage.
Peter Pan Heirs Protest Wendy’s Porn Comic
Moore’s latest project, Lost Girls: a “porno-graphic” novel in which Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz meets Alice from Alice in Wonderland and Wendy from Peter Pan, and (as near as I can make out from the descriptions) they tell each other X-rated versions of their stories while having hot sex with each other.
Well, near as I can make out this is actually just a retread of Ellie Dee in the Land of Woz, which is an old comic book from the XXX Cherry Poptart comic juggernaut by Larry Welz, and which is still around here somewhere, no doubt under all the unpaid bills and piles of Vanity Fair back issues. That comic featured Cherry’s geeky friend Ellie falling through a wormhole in her laptop or somesuch and ending up in the land of Woz, ie Steve Wozniak, inventor of the Apple computer. The Wicked Witch of the West was a dominatrix and the Tin Man was a horny robot. Sorry, pix will have to wait. Strangely, it seems the Vancouver Public Library computers aren’t too terribly fond of such illustrations as I wish to lay on you. All better now.
The Times of London reports that Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children is saying permission must be sought to write about Wendy, and it doesn’t sound like they’re inclined to give it.
Moore is unmoved: “I don’t see that you can ban anything in this day and age,” he tells the Times.
There’s a quote for the ages. If his lawyers can successfully defend it, back up goes my Mentos and Diet Coke video, stat.
Mentos, Diet Coke, cascading fountains of pop fizz, children’s literature, and porn. That would be a video for the ages. At least, all of them over eighteen.
Meanspirited, isolated, smartassed, underachieving, two-thirds robotic and one-third underemployed, the stars of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 are the Platonic ideal of Generation Xers.
Let's watch as they teach us how to sell Chevys door-to-door:
and possibly the most infamous clip of all, Mister B Natural.
Part One.
"Is that Liberace's mom?"
And Part Two.
"Oscar Wilde only wishes he was this gay."
from Sploid.
A 25-year-old [Australian] woman was recently arrested for attempting to smuggle drugs into the country from Singapore by swallowing a mind-boggling 329 heroin-filled condoms.
Now, it says right there they were not just "containing" heroin, but were actually filled with the stuff. Let's think about that a moment, shall we?
Oh would it fucking kill you to play along?
So, they were condoms. And they were filled. I don't know (and wouldn't presume to guess) whether or not you're familiar with the usual dimensions of a filled condom, but it does take up a bit of volume, variable though it may be from iteration to iteration and even from moment to moment.
Now let's do the math.
As I recently completed, at the cost of three irrevocably spent months out of my life and, additionally, significant cost to the Canadian taxpayer, the JobSTART pre-employment training program, which is designed for those coming out of long-term prison sentences and aimed at helping them complete their high school equivalency (ours is not to reason why, because at Welfare they're not used to reason and it upsets them), I am all up on this math shit, yo.
The average condom-stuffing unit is six inches in length, and, for whites, one point five inches in diameter. This, however, is useless information because unless it was actually China White she was carrying, it was probably brown heroin, and as you can see from the reference page, Brown condom stuffers have an average length of between six point two six inches and eight inches, along with an average diameter of two inches.
If it was China White, of course, we would need further research to determine whether the Chinese (4-5" in length and 1.25" in diameter) or the White (5.5-6" in length and 1.5" in diameter) were dominant in this sample.
Assuming, then, that the sample in question was brown heroin, the average volume of the condoms in question was:
[8-(8-6.26)/2=8-1.74/2=8-0.87=7.13]x(pi)(rxr)
which is 7.13×3.14×1=22.3882
Twenty-two point three eight eight two cubic inches of brown heroin per condom is quite a mouthful. Let us hope they were the flavoured kind; they go down easier.
More math:
329 condoms x 22.3882 cubic inches = 7365.7178 total cubic inches, or about 19,000cc's of heroin.
That's larger than the Caribou 6000 expedition pack which, we note, features "An adjustable inside shelf helps to compartmentalize your packing" which would no doubt have come in handy, had the Aussie in question possessed a gastrointestinal system provided with such.
7500 cubic inches will cost you $110 to fire in the kiln here, although should you attempt to do so with heroin I would expect a few pointed questions and maybe a massive sugar craving. But it's better than patchouli!
It is also the size of the intimidating-looking Extended Mission Ruck. This damn thing looks like it was engineered so you could go over to Iraq and just scoop the insurgents, securing them safely in place with one of the eighteen billion, not at all fetishistic straps festooning this 100% Made In America monster.
To put things in perspective, 7500 cubic inches is the capacity of this Modular Hauler truck bed, the largest the company manufactures.
It is also, for our metric-savvy readers, approximately 19,000 cubic centimetres, which is the size of the engine used at KittyHawk.
Back then, 19,000cc's only sufficed to get one man 15 feet off the ground. Nowadays, it could provide decent highs for over 600!
Ah, progress!
The Canadian navy has once again demonstrated beyond all doubt that, for Canada, this whole "blowing people up" thing is just really, like, not our thing.
They lost a torpedo. Check out the honest-to-god lead:
Damn the torpedo: navy loses practice weapon off British Columbia coast
Beachcombers in British Columbia take note: the navy has lost an expensive practice torpedo that may wash up on shore somewhere.
Supah. I should head over there right away. If they don't offer a decent reward, I can always use a new torpedo. Or, this being the Canadian navy we're talking about, an obsolete torpedo. Think of it as the Gremlin hatchback of torpedos.
The frigate spent three hours in vain looking for the errant object, known as a "hottorp" for Honeywell Operational Training Torpedo, the name given by the original manufacturer.
"All firing conditions were met and torpedo launched successfully, but did not resurface," says a censored report on the incident, obtained under the Access to Information Act.
"The hottorp may rise to the surface . . . and eventually wash ashore. . . . (Request) that local authorities be notified in case the torpedo surfaces at a later time."
"It hasn't popped up yet," Cmdr. Rod Hughes said in an interview from Esquimalt, B.C.
"We think it's sitting on the bottom out there. We're actually going to go back and look for it this summer. We'll probably recover it."
It is, by the way, somewhere around the mouth of one of the busiest harbours on the West Coast. What the hell, don't they call Victoria "God's Waiting Room?" And who ever minded having a shorter stay in a waiting room, eh?
raincoaster 