now THAT is what I call a Happy Meal

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from Sploid.

A 25-year-old [Australian] woman was recently arrested for attempting to smuggle drugs into the country from Singapore by swallowing a mind-boggling 329 heroin-filled condoms.

Now, it says right there they were not just "containing" heroin, but were actually filled with the stuff. Let's think about that a moment, shall we?

Oh would it fucking kill you to play along?

So, they were condoms. And they were filled. I don't know (and wouldn't presume to guess) whether or not you're familiar with the usual dimensions of a filled condom, but it does take up a bit of volume, variable though it may be from iteration to iteration and even from moment to moment.

Now let's do the math.

As I recently completed, at the cost of three irrevocably spent months out of my life and, additionally, significant cost to the Canadian taxpayer, the JobSTART pre-employment training program, which is designed for those coming out of long-term prison sentences and aimed at helping them complete their high school equivalency (ours is not to reason why, because at Welfare they're not used to reason and it upsets them), I am all up on this math shit, yo.

The average condom-stuffing unit is six inches in length, and, for whites, one point five inches in diameter. This, however, is useless information because unless it was actually China White she was carrying, it was probably brown heroin, and as you can see from the reference page, Brown condom stuffers have an average length of between six point two six inches and eight inches, along with an average diameter of two inches.

If it was China White, of course, we would need further research to determine whether the Chinese (4-5" in length and 1.25" in diameter) or the White (5.5-6" in length and 1.5" in diameter) were dominant in this sample.

Assuming, then, that the sample in question was brown heroin, the average volume of the condoms in question was:

[8-(8-6.26)/2=8-1.74/2=8-0.87=7.13]x(pi)(rxr)

which is 7.13×3.14×1=22.3882

Twenty-two point three eight eight two cubic inches of brown heroin per condom is quite a mouthful. Let us hope they were the flavoured kind; they go down easier.

More math:

329 condoms x 22.3882 cubic inches = 7365.7178 total cubic inches, or about 19,000cc's of heroin.

That's larger than the Caribou 6000 expedition pack which, we note, features "An adjustable inside shelf helps to compartmentalize your packing" which would no doubt have come in handy, had the Aussie in question possessed a gastrointestinal system provided with such.

7500 cubic inches will cost you $110 to fire in the kiln here, although should you attempt to do so with heroin I would expect a few pointed questions and maybe a massive sugar craving. But it's better than patchouli!

It is also the size of the intimidating-looking Extended Mission Ruck. This damn thing looks like it was engineered so you could go over to Iraq and just scoop the insurgents, securing them safely in place with one of the eighteen billion, not at all fetishistic straps festooning this 100% Made In America monster.

EMR

To put things in perspective, 7500 cubic inches is the capacity of this Modular Hauler truck bed, the largest the company manufactures.

It is also, for our metric-savvy readers, approximately 19,000 cubic centimetres, which is the size of the engine used at KittyHawk.

Back then, 19,000cc's only sufficed to get one man 15 feet off the ground. Nowadays, it could provide decent highs for over 600!

Ah, progress!

Intervention

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via Cynter
Yeah, that woman really has a problem. Not me, I've got it totally under control. And now that I have been up 20 hours blogging I shall go to bed.

Twinkle, Twinkle, little bioengineered superweapon

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Porcupine, Bitch!According to this report from ABC News and the BBC, the United Kingdom has perfected a radically new and different weapons system.

While both Canada and the US sat by, lulled into complacency by the sheer numbers of their old-skool artillery, the Brits have been bio-engeneering a groundbreaking (literally) new weapon, cleverly tucked away on an ostrich farm where nobody would think to look for it.

The Poisonous Porcupine.

People in north-west England are being warned not to approach a porcupine which burrowed out of a farm visitors centre and is now on the loose, BBC Online reports.

Twinkle, a 0.9 metre long female, escaped from her enclosure at Eden Ostrich World near Penrith on Saturday, prompting warnings because her detachable, poison-filled quills can become embedded in skin.

Jim Peet, from the centre, was quoted as saying that Twinkle was normally "cool" but was classed as a dangerous wild animal because of her spiky appearance.

"She could make a real mess of someone's garden and she should not be approached as her quills contain poison and she could become flustered if backed into a corner," he added.

Twinkle's disappearance came after some British newspapers said police had received reports of a tiger on the loose in Yorkshire, northern England.

Any bets on what kind of poison they're using? Ricin? Strychnine? Insulin megadose? I pick my fallback fave, sodium fluroacetate.

Just look in them beady little eyes; they may be the last thing you ever see, bitch.

Porkypine

P47 guncam footage from WWII, in colour

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Just what it says, and recently declassified.

From WWII in Color.com, via Fark and Betapundit, and with the assistance of YouTube because there is no word in the English language I hate as much as I hate the word "buffering," so fuck Googlevids.

have they tried Craigslist?

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The Canadian navy has once again demonstrated beyond all doubt that, for Canada, this whole "blowing people up" thing is just really, like, not our thing.

They lost a torpedo. Check out the honest-to-god lead:

Damn the torpedo: navy loses practice weapon off British Columbia coast

Beachcombers in British Columbia take note: the navy has lost an expensive practice torpedo that may wash up on shore somewhere.

Supah. I should head over there right away. If they don't offer a decent reward, I can always use a new torpedo. Or, this being the Canadian navy we're talking about, an obsolete torpedo. Think of it as the Gremlin hatchback of torpedos.

The frigate spent three hours in vain looking for the errant object, known as a "hottorp" for Honeywell Operational Training Torpedo, the name given by the original manufacturer.

"All firing conditions were met and torpedo launched successfully, but did not resurface," says a censored report on the incident, obtained under the Access to Information Act.

"The hottorp may rise to the surface . . . and eventually wash ashore. . . . (Request) that local authorities be notified in case the torpedo surfaces at a later time."

"It hasn't popped up yet," Cmdr. Rod Hughes said in an interview from Esquimalt, B.C.

"We think it's sitting on the bottom out there. We're actually going to go back and look for it this summer. We'll probably recover it."

It is, by the way, somewhere around the mouth of one of the busiest harbours on the West Coast. What the hell, don't they call Victoria "God's Waiting Room?" And who ever minded having a shorter stay in a waiting room, eh?