Goodbye, Robert Redford

My Redford story, which is really my mother’s story.

A woman who worked for her lived in North Vancouver, and in the early 80’s it wasn’t as built ip as it is now. There was basically one highway that everyone took to get to the bridge to Vancouver. She’s driving to work at 6:30 one morning and her car breaks down. It limps to the shoulder and she gets out and pops the hood, as one does in order to stare quizzically at the engine, understanding nothing.

A zippy little sports car pulls up and a gorgeous man gets out and asks if she needs help. She says she can’t tell what’s wrong and does he know engines?

He does not. BUT! he does know a really good garage not far from there and he can drive her if she’d like. They open soon.

She ponders for a moment and decides that if she IS going to be raped and murdered by this total stranger, hey, what a way to go, or words to that effect. She gets in his car.

As they drive, they chat. His kids go to the same school hers do. Is working in medical records interesting (it is)? Is her family from here? He moved up from the US a couple of years ago and loves the lifestyle.

And she begins to think he looks familiar. That perfect jawline. The flawless blond hair. Those gentle blue eyes…OH MY GOD THIS IS ROBERT REDFORD!

DONT BE STUPID, IT CANT BE ROBERT REDFORD. WHAT WOULD ROBERT REDFORD BE DOING IN NORTH VAN AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING???

She begins to have difficulty keeping up her end of the conversation, preoccupied with IS HE OR ISNT HE?

They arrive at the garage. She gets out of the car and thanks him profusely for the ride. He leans over to close the door and says, “You’re welcome. By the way, I am exactly who you think I am.”

And he drives off.

raincoaster on the raincoast

Guess what it’s doing out here on the raincoast? Well, it’s not coasting; that’s your first clue.

And when the year is drawing to a close and the nights stretch into infinity amid the whisper of the wind shaking invisible raindrops loose from dead and dying trees, there is only one thing you can do.

Well, two, but I’m all out of gin.

That’s right: you hole up with a damn good spooky movie. And here it is: my very favoritest damn good spooky movie, a portmanteau movie containing multiple mini-movies, all of them good. A British classic from 1945 entitled Dead of Night. Enjoy.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18kdna_dead-of-night-1945_shortfilms

Friday Fright Night B Movie-O-Rama: Spider Baby!

Lon Chaney Jr

Lon Chaney Jr

And me stone-cold sober!

It’s time for a seriously cheesy, seriously un-serious movie starring one of the Great Old Ones of Hollywood: Lon Chaney Jr. He had a Freudianer, or at least Oedipalier time of it than most, as his father will be forever famous for his portrayals of various costumed monsters. Lon Jr started that way, too, as name recognition is quite useful when it comes to starting a career sometimes; he even changed his name from Creighton Tull Chaney to Lon Jr. He had to wait till his father was safely dead before stepping into his shoes, though. Soon enough he proved himself as a character actor and even, when cleaned up, a leading man, in one of my favorite oldie melodramas, The Shadow of Silk Lennox. But it was just so easy to get jobs in horror films.

His particular niche was slightly dumb, generably amiable, inadvertently sinister character roles. There were quite a lot of them to go around, too. Basically if it was insufficiently classy for Boris Karloff, Chaney got it. He’s most famous for playing the Wolf Man, although to my taste the Spaniard Paul Naschy was better at that role.

Here he is as the faithful servant of a decayed and sinister family in the weirdly mod (check out those opening credits!) 1967 horror flick Spider Baby, or The Maddest Story Ever Told! Someone needs to make an Austin Powers version of this, seriously. Or at least a Scooby Doo one.

In a dilapidated rural mansion, the last generation of the degenerate, inbred Merrye family lives with the inherited curse of a disease that causes them to mentally regress from the age of 10 or so on as they physically develop. The family chauffeur looks out for them and covers up their indiscretions. Trouble comes when greedy distant relatives and their lawyer arrive to dispossess the family of its home.

Bonus: CAROL OHMART! You remember her! From the Vincent Price 1959 classic The House on Haunted Hill (the one that was actually filmed IN the house reputed to be haunted)? She played the conniving trophy wife. Of COURSE she did; just look at her! Anyway, she’s another leading lady who could act rings around most, and who never enjoyed the success she deserved.

Carol Ohmart should have stayed a pantherian brunette rather than a leonine blonde

Carol Ohmart should have stayed a pantherian brunette rather than a leonine blonde

The suggested cocktail pairing with tonight’s gruesome entertainment is the White Spider Cocktail. Oh yes, there’s another version, but it’s made with vodka and therefore clearly inferior. We’ll wait while you mix yourself one…

White Spider

ingredients:
1 ounce Gin
1 ounce Lemon Juice
1/2 ounce Cointreau
1 tsp Simple Syrup

Combine ingredients with ice in cocktail shaker. Give it a few vigorous shakes and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

There, ready? Click to enjoy Spider Baby or The Maddest Story Ever Told in full!

Quiz: which classic 80’s fantasy movie should I get next?

With bonus Which Princess Bride Character Are You quiz. Of course I’m Inigo.

I am INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KEEL MY FATHAIR. PREPAIR TO DIE!

I am INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KEEL MY FATHAIR. PREPAIR TO DIE!

You are Inigo Montoya. You have spent your life training in the art of fencing and seeking revenge for the killing of your father. And drinking. Lots of drinking. Now that you have achieved your lifelong quest, you are considering making the move to privateering. Apparently, the market’s pretty good right now.

Yep, pretty much. I literally looked into getting Letters of Marque as a retirement gift for a friend of mine; her son is a ship’s captain, and she founded the national association for social workers, and it would have been hilarious. I should have followed through on it, too. But at least I have all the paperwork ready.

Anyhoodly…I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently, and remembering more. For OpHippie I screened The NeverEnding Story for a room full of people on mushrooms and weed, and succeeded in completely wiping The Da Vinci Code from their minds for the next 48 hours through the awesome power of the Childlike Empress and that stupid, fucking nag Artax. And I have The Princess Bride. Now what do I get?

Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

Blame Artax!

The NeverEnding Story is a childhood classic with a neverending potential for discussion. Last week, we discussed how it’s all Artax’s fault that the generation that saw this as children turned out to be completely fucked up. Stupid horse! If you’d just stayed cheerful in the Swamps of Sadness (what, they don’t have bubblegum pop playlists in Fantasia?) you’d have made it out alive, a generation would not have wasted their adolescence pretending to be Fiona Apple and Trent Reznor, and Atreyu would have saved the world a helluva lot faster, you goddam waste of alfalfa!

Emo pony doesn't care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

Emo pony doesn’t care about your sugar. Life IS lumps, sweetie.

This week, we bring you the last thoughts of the late Artax, emo basketcase and (formerly) living proof that man’s best friend is a dog, not a goddam equine.

I’m feeling pretty crummy, if I’m honest with myself. And sort of…melon…what’s that word? Melatonin? Melancholy, that’s it. Boy, I gotta start doing the crossword again, my vocab’s gone to shit.

‘Course I never was the sharpest nail in the horseshoe.

Is the mud getting deeper or is it just me? It is just me. Atreyu! I’m, like, four feet tall all of a sudden. What the heck?

It…it just gets worse from there. Go on. Read the whole thing.