The British have the best elections. They have the best political scandals, too. Who could forget the Conservative (at least apparently conservative) morals watchdog who was found dead, wearing nothing more than fishnets, a garter belt, and some lube, having essentially blissed himself to death on the kitchen table during a discreet sexual encounter with a vacuum cleaner? Gotta luv it. Oh, right, the orange was implicated, although never charged. Bigger isn’t always better; remember that, size queens!

They’ve just elected Sir Ming as the leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d totally vote for a guy named “Sir Ming.” I mean, it’s that or be enslaved on his secret island lair, right? Well okay, I do have some principles: I’d only vote for him if he wore the outfit.

Much better than pudgy Captain America here:

It is true what they say about overweight Americans; he’s got muffin tops!

But if this were a three-way race, one must admit that one would, without hesitation, ditch those two pussies and vote for This Bitch:

I mean, I dunno who she is. I dunno what she stands for. But I don’t care!

She brings to mind what Mistress Cowfish said about the White Witch of Narnia, to whit: “You’re so evil! And soooooooo cool!”

Remember, Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

But it rocks absolutely, too.

In the meantime, for those of you who care about platforms of moderate liberal parties, we present the musings of Ming the Elected:

We are the real liberals

My party, unlike the others, believes in human rights, social justice and the fight against inequality

Menzies Campbell
Saturday March 4, 2006
The Guardian
Everyone claims to be a liberal these days. Commentators warn that our opponents are crowding us Liberal Democrats out of our traditional ground and allege that we are losing our unique selling point.

I have been a liberal all my adult life, so I know what liberalism represents. It is encouraging that our opponents want to masquerade as liberals. It demonstrates that they realise where the sentiments of the majority of British people lie. The problem is that neither Labour nor the Conservatives have the slightest grasp of what it means to be a liberal. That is why they will fail to match their rhetoric with action.

Much of the agenda of the current government runs directly counter to liberal principles. Liberals believe in international law. The government was prepared to flout it in their support for the war in Iraq. They continue to flout it in their acquiescence in the disturbing practice of rendition.

Liberals believe in human rights. Human rights are being flouted in Guantánamo, where prisoners are denied due process. The prime minister calls the situation an anomaly. Liberals know that it is an outrage.

The government not only tolerates human rights abuse by the US: it is an abuser itself. ID cards are an affront to human rights. So was the treatment of the heckler at the Labour party conference who was arrested as a terror suspect. So was the arrest of the woman who read out the names in Whitehall of British soldiers killed in Iraq.

Liberals believe in creating a fairer society, in which individuals have the opportunity to make the most of their talents. Britain has become a more unequal country since Labour came to power. Income, social origin and educational background determine success more now even than they did during the Conservative years.

Labour has a poor record on social justice. According to the charity Shelter, one in 12 children is likely to develop asthma, TB or bronchitis because of poor housing. Over a million children live in slums. The government has failed to understand the fact that sub-standard housing is the root cause of so much poor health and low educational attainment.

There is less social mobility than there was when I was a child growing up in Glasgow. This is a waste of talent and ability. It is holding back the prosperity of our country. A liberal Britain would not tolerate this state of affairs. A liberal Britain would develop a welfare system which built a society secure against poverty, founded on opportunity, and embracing responsibility and incentives to work and save.

Liberals believe that the environment should be at the centre of our thinking. That means developing proposals to change individual behaviour. It means changing the taxation system so that it rewards environmentally friendly behaviour, and penalises environmentally damaging behaviour. Labour’s contribution is disappointing – hot air, hand wringing and missed targets.

Liberals believe in localism: giving greater responsibility to locally elected representatives and more power to local communities. Under Labour, we have seen the centralisation of public life. Citizens feel increasingly powerless. Public services controlled by officialdom are out of touch and remote.

David Cameron’s claim to the liberal mantle is no more plausible than the government’s. We cannot be forced to believe that it is year zero and that the recent past never happened. Was David Cameron not the author of the 2005 Conservative manifesto, the most reactionary of modern times? Was he not the brains behind Black Wednesday?

Even now, the Conservative outlook runs directly counter to liberal values. The party which supported the Iraq war is now sending its emissaries over to the US to restore its links with the neocon right of the Republican party. Meanwhile in Europe, it is detaching itself from the mainstream Christian Democrat centre-right to seek alliances with a ragbag of extremists.

Britain’s need for a genuine liberal party has never been greater. That is why I am determined to lead the Liberal Democrats towards government, to make Britain a freer, fairer, greener place in which to live. That means that the party has to change. It has to develop new ideas and refine existing ones. The proposals before our conference to separate the Royal Mail from the Post Office and give its employees a stake in the company are a case in point. This is not Thatcherite privatisation. It is a liberal reform. Its innovative approach to ownership is in line with the long-held liberal belief in employee share ownership.

We need to make our party more inclusive. I have proposed a trust fund to provide the resources to enable more women and members of ethnic minorities to become parliamentary candidates. Liberal Democrats now represent urban and rural constituencies of all types in all parts of Britain, unlike the Conservatives who have shrunk to a party of the English shires. We will best represent Britain when we are representative of Britain.

I promise my party anything but a quiet life. With clear vision, commitment, and the talent that we now have in our parliamentary party, there is no limit to what we can achieve.

· Menzies Campbell is the leader of the Liberal Democrats