Monthly Archives: June 2006

06-06-06 Helpful Questionnaire: Is My Child The Devil’s Son?

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A Checklist for Christian Mothers
from Landover Baptist Church, via Fark

Devil Child Book

1. Ladies, keep your legs crossed until after midnight.  A True Christian™ lady always keeps her knees together — and June 6 is no time to stop.  As your demon child willfully pushes and kicks, causing your lady hole to dilate to the size of a drainage pipe, keep your knees locked together at all times.  This will give your demanding child a wonderful, early lesson that he can't always have his way.  To underscore this valuable disciplinary message, as the devil child flops around, trying to claw its way out to the human world to do Lucifer's bidding, continue to warble in a loud voice, "La la la la la la la I CAN'T FEEL YOU!"

2.  If at all possible, have your Baptist doctor induce the child to be born earlier.  The most reliable method known to Creation Science to get a mother to go instantly into labor is to jump in front of her when she least expects it and scare the dickens out of her.  If this doesn't prove scary enough, read the Bible to her.  Otherwise, FedEx a love processing gift of $2,000 to " Landover Baptist Church , Freehold, Iowa 55369."  As soon as your check clears, we will send you information on how to perform a "Creation Birth Reduction." Constance, the Haunted PortraitReduction will cause the mother to give birth two or three days out from her expected due date. If you have a weak stomach, allergies to dried locusts and can not drink human urine, the Reduction is not for you.

3. If the 06-06-06 date can not be avoided, make sure that the child is kept in a chicken cage on the hospital floor, and that there are at least two full grown hogs within four feet of the cage at all times. As a Bible-believing Christian, you know that demons and pigs act like the two sides of Velcro when they are around each other (Mark 5:12-13), so keeping them by your newborn's side acts as a Godly safety net. If one of the hogs starts grinning and snorting,  prancing about, or just plain acting full of the Devil's business by emptying its bowels all over the hospital floor, get it out to a lake and drown it as soon as humanly possible.  And you don't have to be a Christ-killing Jew to know this: Goodness gracious, don't eat the bacon!

4. Make sure you check under your child's testicles for any peculiar markings. For it is not upon the head (as the hell-bound Catholics incorrectly believe and, by all other indications, should be the Devilchild with hornslast ones to be wrong in this regard), but rather hidden in the rough skin on the nape under a newborn's tiny tallywhacker, or slightly inside the anal cavity that one should be looking for any signs of the Evil One.  Creation Scientists have observed that the so-called "taint" (the disagreeable area between the genitals and the anus) is where demons are most likely to post messages for each other.

5. Place your child in the care of our Creation Scientists for a period of 10-days. During this period, they will perform a Bible Crawl and conduct Creation Science Experiments on your newborn to determine if it needs to be shipped off the Landover Baptist Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota. The shipping charges and five years of care costs will be billed monthly to the same credit card account you use when you drop your child off with us.

6. You might decide (as many Christian families in need have before you) that it is best just to sell your child to the cause of Creation Science. Our laboratory and research center will pay $18 a pound (17 cents a pound for mixed race infants) for any child under the age of 6-months. Devilkid scienceIn making this decision, you can rest assured that you are doing something for the cause of Christendom™. Your family will be helping Creation Scientists better understand Satan's handiwork in early childhood development. This greater understanding will better prepare us in case (God forbid we'd have to suffer) there is a post-tribulational Rapture. If that is ever the case, the more we know about the enemy, the better.

7.  Buy an enormous, full Korean wig that cascades thick locks of hair down your back to your waist.  June 6, 2006 is no time for a pregnant woman to be walking around looking like a young boy, lest she be mistaken for Mia Farrow.

Swedish Chef, Bitch

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Heartlessly stolen from the Waiterblog, because I tried, but I cannot go 24 hours without posting…particularly when I see I'll get fewer than 200 hits for this day.

Gah!

professor raincoaster’s little lectures: WordPress 105, Pages vs Posts

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professor raincoasterToday, class, we are going to discuss Pages versus Posts.

This is a Post. A blog post. Pretty much all of WordPress is blog posts, as WordPress is blogging software and a blog host. Your posts go in chronological order from oldest (at the bottom of the page) to freshest, and if you're using a template there's fuckall you can do about the way they're displayed.

But.

There are other things, called Pages. These aren't streamed the way blog posts are; they just sit there in cyberspace all by themselves, totally separate from the blog posts, although joined by a link in the sidebar. If you go to the sidebar, you'll see you have a link for Pages, and right now this thing just has some boilerplate text from WordPress in it. Click on it and check it out. It says:

About

This is an example of a WordPress page, you could edit this to put information about yourself or your site so readers know where you are coming from. You can create as many pages like this one or sub-pages as you like and manage all of your content inside of WordPress.

which is, indeed, true. Pages are like separate pages on a website, as opposed to blog posts that are all strung together. You can, if you want to get advanced, nest Pages inside Pages, but that's a lesson for another time. We're blogging here, not building websites. Different.

You should use a Page rather than a Post for anything permanently relevant, anything you want people to be able to access from anyplace in your blog. Examples would be an "About Me" or bio page, "My goals and aspirations" for an inspirational journal, "Books that guide my life" or, as I have, "Terrorist Alert Levels." Whatever goes in a Page should be something that isn't time-dependent, as it'll be displayed with equal importance as long as your blog exists.

You write a Page just the way you write a Post. When you click New Post or Write you get to a writing page; at the top you'll see two tabs, Write Post and Write Page. Write Post is the default, but if you click Write Page you will write a page and it will get listed under Pages on your sidebar. All the functions for writing Pages are exactly the same as for writing Posts, so you've got everything you need to just go for it.

If you find you've totally fucked up, you can always go back to Edit and click Delete Page, which you have to scroll down to see, but it is there. Right now, I suggest you go to the boilerplate (prefab) Page, click Edit, and replace that text with something of your own. And while you're at it, do the same with the first, boilerplate Post that WordPress stuck in your blog, unless you've already edited it to something useful. Think of it like hanging pictures in a new apartment; it won't really look like your place until you're done.

Today in Enteroctopus Dofleini Movie News: It Came from Beneath the Sea

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Captain Nemo and the Giant Pacific OctopusHere it comes.
[sho' nuff]

What is it?
[the Giant Pacific Octopus]

Is it real?
[no, it is an early work by Ray Harryhausen, master model monster]

A Tidalwave of Terror Engulfs the Screen as the Raging Monster from the Dawn of Creation Attacks the World of Man.
[they just don't alliterate and hyperbolize like they used to – Michael Bay excepted]

IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA!!!

The H-bomb Blasted It Loose from the Depths of the Pacific, But Not Even the H-bomb Can Kill It.
[because we have to work out our existential nuclear guilt somehow]

San Francisco Doomed!
[Save the Filmore!]

Golden Gate Bridge Uprooted!
[Tacoma Narrows 2.0!]

Buildings Topple!
[Yeah, I'm thinking the time is right for a comeback for this flick]

Thousands Die in Streets!
[see above]

West Coast Reels Under Holocaust as the Men and Weapons of the Atomic Age Battle to the Death Against the Ageless Monster of the Deep
[five bucks on the ageless monster of the deep]

WHAT CITY WILL BE NEXT?
[is this voting-enabled?]

mug shot o’ the week: the hobbit poisoner

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The Hobbit Poisoner

Yes indeedy, according to The Smoking Gun, teenage Rosie Cotton-lookalike Katherine Smith was understudying a fifteen-year-old for the lead in a high school play when she decided to take the casting into her own hands.

Having spread the word to family and friends that she was actually playing the lead in the school's production of the no-doubt immortal "Ha," she then dosed the actual star's Mountain Dew with Clorox bleach.

Ah, if Bruce Springsteen gets ahold of this story, teenage ballads will never be the same.

Perhaps he should collaborate with Nick Cave.

Smith, who used an eye dropper to place bleach in the 20-ounce soda bottle, told a school administrator that she wanted to harm the lead actress "so she could not perform in the play." Smith's plot was thwarted when the girl smelled an unusual odor emanating from the Dew. Pictured [above] in a Tarrant County Sheriff's Office mug shot, Smith faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted of the spiking bid.