China’s Secret WMD Program Revealed!

Just when you thought they’d settled for poisoning your children.

But Nooooooooooo. The Yellow Peril, lurking all this time behind a mask of bland inscrutability and blind greed, has been quietly working since the collapse of the Cold War. Working on a project so secret that even the vast armies of workers working on it don’t know what it is they’re working on. Indeed: so secret they don’t even actually know they’re working at all.

It’s a secret, see? Quality control is so important.

I worry if whoever thought up the term ‘quality control’ thought that
if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.
Lily Tomlin

But what have they actually been working on? Oh, we’re glad you asked. For we right here at the ol’ raincoaster blog have got the world exclusive. Yes, we alone know exactly what mighty machine of destruction has been stealthily constructed, right under the very noses of the foreign Olympic-hunting paparazzi. Nothing less than the largest weapon of mass destruction since Britney’s appearance at the VMA’s. Nothing less than the Doomsday Machine Itself.

The Great Beijing National Bomb

Beijing, China: Workmen clean the roof of the National Grand Theatre
Photograph: Adrian Bradshaw/EPA

Oh, how clever these Chinese are. They think we can be taken in by a simple line drawn in Photoshop and a two-bit reflection filter on a photograph that had to pass through vigilant bureaucratic censors. They think we really believe this to be a simple photograph of workers on top of a rounded building, a concert hall, a theatre perhaps. HA! But if you have the skill to remove the slave-created, primitive layers of deception all is revealed after the jump.

A click here, a click there, and voilà! The naked truth is revealed:

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The Doomsday Machine. For Realz

27 thoughts on “China’s Secret WMD Program Revealed!

  1. More proof, if more is needed, that you’re too young to get my cultural references. It’s a frickin’ DOOMSDAY MACHINE!!!! THE ONLY WAY TO DESTROY IT IS TO FLY A SHUTTLECRAFT DOWN ITS THROAT!

    Jez, nobody takes me seriously. I wonder why that is?

  2. Gandalf the Gay?

    Hmm–is that why they had to divert the torch run from San Francisco’s Chinatown?

    Maybe all those Chinese fairies know something we don’t?

    What do you think could happen if that torch reaches that doomsday device? Maybe all those firework factories were just for practice!

  3. Well, see, that’s just it: the Olympic Torch is a HOMING DEVICE!!! At the proper moment, the Doomsday Machine will break loose from its moorings and move inexorably towards the Olympic torch and total annihilation of the universe.

  4. But there are two torches!

    Which means that, in classic fashion, having found the first Doomsday Device we must look for the second …

    Ah-ha!

    Quick! Before they launch it towards Mt Everest!

  5. “Which means that, in classic fashion, having found the first Doomsday Device we must look for the second …

    Ah-ha!”

    Ok, for a minute there I thought the second device was headed for that lovable Norwegian pop group . . . .

  6. Wait, wait, wait. Let’s total up the known facts here:

    1) China (which we used to call Red China), has not one but two Secret Doomsday Devices.

    2) Device 1 looks to be aimed at Carrot Top.
    3) Device 2 is pointing ABBA-ward.

    In which case I have only two questions.

    Where, exactly is the downside to this?

    And:

    How can we get Paris Hilton free ABBA tickets?

  7. Well I had been considering having a few inches taken off. But only about two, so that my trousers fit properly instead of straining at the seams.

    Why aren’t you working on those tickets? You know people who know people who watch people who watch celebrities, I know you do.

  8. Don’t you know? The Abba thing is a no-go. They’ve decided to go with assassination one at a time. They got the blond guy, and will pick the rest off one by one. We need an alternative theory.

    Also: that’s why they call it labia MAJORA, Metro.

  9. “More proof, if more is needed, that you’re too young to get my cultural references”

    Oh, thank God! I thought I was just stoopid!

    But I know of Abba, and I still find it hard to believe the drummer was stupid enough to accidentally kill himself and croak in the garden! Not a glamorous way to go! Oh well, he was blond.

    They should have just left him in the garden as a fixture! How cooool would that have been!

  10. Goddammit, didn’t anyone get my a-Ha reference? I’ve been pissed off ot those Norwegian cocksuckers since they stepped in at the last minute and bumped The Pretenders for the them song for “The Living Daylights”

    If anyone deserves to have a giant fucking planet killer chasing their ass across the barren polar wastes of northern Noway in a remake of “The Adventures of Fjord Fairlane,” it’s fucking a-Ha.

    Take On Me my large white American ass!

    Excuse me.

  11. Pingback: Who do you want singing your Bond movie theme song? « Frontier Former Editor

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