Ia! Ia! Baby work it! Insanely fabulous!

First things first: who knew the frozen tundra was absofuckingloutely roasting in the summertime? I guess 24 hours of sunlight and no clouds, ever, will do that to you.

The remedy? BOOZE POPS! I’m wondering what kind of rum I can get at the liquor store to mix into these, because the freezer I’ve got can turn a bottle of lukewarm coke into a coke slurpee in about 15 minutes.

Everybody dance now!

via Brosnakes

Yeah, okay. Maybe just that one guy dance, and everybody else watch him. And here I thought hipsters couldn’t move in those skinny pants! The fact that he performs this (and you really have to give it more than 30 seconds) in what looks like the setting for the world’s seediest amateur porn only makes the whole thing more fabulous.

Now that we’ve set the mood, the guests have started to arrive. The occasion, in case you’re wondering: a joint party (no puns, I hate smelly, dull people who mumble nonstop about pizza) for the birthdays of Julian Assange and myself. And look: everyone’s sitting down to dinner.

Happy Birthday, Mister President of Wikileaks

Who else was there? Oh, all the top celebrities. And what did they talk about? Each other, of course. And if you click over the jump to the celebrity gossip roundup, you’ll be able to read the whole thing.

If you got into Hogwarts… (raincoaster)

Swag: I has it! (Ayyyy)

Naughty Potters! (ManoloFood)

James Potter LIVES! (Lolebrity)

Return of the Living Dead (tv shows) (Crasstalk)

Mel Gibson has been a bad, bad boy! (AgentBedhead)

Jewel has a chip (BusyBeeBlogger)

Daisy Lowe is 22 going on 45 (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Zooey “Snobby Cow” Deschanel vs Journo (CelebritySmack)

Beyonce-daddy attempts reputation management (CelebVIPLounge)

Harry Potter, dirty tagger! (CityRag)

Oh everybody! Look, Renee Zellwegger has a new “Aniston Boyfriend” (DailyStab)

Kennedy castoff gets part-time job (EarSucker)

Baby Spice Impersonator earns five quick bucks (FitFabCeleb)

Haven’t seen much of you lately…until you wore THIS! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Shia is full of Shiat (HaveUHeard)

That’s what you get for slumming, Nicki Minaj (HollywoodHiccups)

If finding dwarves hot is wrong, I don’t want to be right (INeedMyFix)

Britney beats back the Bad Boys of Fleet Street (PoorBritney)

Oh come ON, celebrity press. There’s no room in those Wranglers for a royal Babeh! (PopBytes)

Sergio Ramos, you almost make me want to watch soccer. But they wear more clothes than this (SwoonWorthy)

Lindsay Lohan shot! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.