Party On, Rude!

And fuck your manscaper too!

And fuck your manscaper too!

spend more time on your eyebrows bro

fuck you too

Those are the immortal words of the unnamed shutterbug behind my new favorite Tumblr, “FuckYouPartyPhotographer.”

In an effort to appear badass, and perhaps attempting to top their appearance on DouchebagsLoveGreyGoose, douches and douchettes all over the Vangroover club scene are begging someone to take their picture, only to flip them off when they do.

Yes, I said “Vangroover.” Never was a more perfect coinage minted, for that is where these people live: a strange, ill-lit land where everyone is desperate to give the impression they’re not actually from Surrey.

White Rock means never having to say you're Surrey, Simba

White Rock means never having to say you’re Surrey, Simba

Now, one man is striking back. One man, alone, armed with nothing more than an apparently eye-catching and high-quality photo rig, and a permanent place on the VIP list. And it is glorious.

Fuck you, Combover Boy

Fuck you, Combover Boy

FUCK YOU TOO

who are you, Prince William, duke of assholes ;)

If you go out clubbing in this city and fly the colours for the party photographer, and the colours read “Fuck You,” you can be pretty sure that, sooner or later, you will end up on this Tumblr, and NO, he will not take it down.

What are you gonna do, swear at him?

PS I’m pretty sure that on a lot of those tongues flapped out, Miley-style, that bump isn’t a tongue stud, it’s HPV.

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Hump Day Unicorn Chaser: Party Time!

and to top it all off...

Ia! Ia! Baby work it! Insanely fabulous!

First things first: who knew the frozen tundra was absofuckingloutely roasting in the summertime? I guess 24 hours of sunlight and no clouds, ever, will do that to you.

The remedy? BOOZE POPS! I’m wondering what kind of rum I can get at the liquor store to mix into these, because the freezer I’ve got can turn a bottle of lukewarm coke into a coke slurpee in about 15 minutes.

Everybody dance now!

via Brosnakes

Yeah, okay. Maybe just that one guy dance, and everybody else watch him. And here I thought hipsters couldn’t move in those skinny pants! The fact that he performs this (and you really have to give it more than 30 seconds) in what looks like the setting for the world’s seediest amateur porn only makes the whole thing more fabulous.

Now that we’ve set the mood, the guests have started to arrive. The occasion, in case you’re wondering: a joint party (no puns, I hate smelly, dull people who mumble nonstop about pizza) for the birthdays of Julian Assange and myself. And look: everyone’s sitting down to dinner.

Happy Birthday, Mister President of Wikileaks

Happy Birthday, Mister President of Wikileaks

Who else was there? Oh, all the top celebrities. And what did they talk about? Each other, of course. And if you click over the jump to the celebrity gossip roundup, you’ll be able to read the whole thing.

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Attention, Stalkers! raincoaster UNMASKED at SMCYVR!

Ha! Little does she know, my alien leaders have given me an EXCELLENT disguise for tonight’s Meet the Geek dinner from Social Media Club Vancouver. I may even get my tentacles did! We don’t have dessert on the menu for tonight (because nobody I know eats it anymore!) but I was thinking of bringing some of these:

cthulhu petit fours om nom nom Iaaaaaaa!

In case you're wondering: yes, THEY ARE BAD FOR YOU

Or perhaps one of these:

Cthulhu Cake

Or this one?

octopus cake

octopus cake, what does it look like?

I’m Gung Ho for Gung Haggis Fat Choy!

Toddish McWong

And I’m sorry about the pun, but how could I NOT???

Tomorrow night (well, today really, in a mere 13 hours from now, technically speaking and you KNOW how I like to speak all technicalacious-like) I will be attending perhaps the most iconic social event in my multicultural, multilingual, multicuisinal city:

Gung Haggis Fat Choy

Given what a pain in the ass it is to get any two or greater number of Vancouverites (and a larger number is not necessarily greater, is it, I mean, if you’ve tried to organize a dinner then you know by now, for lo, you are very smart, that a larger number is in fact a greater pain in the ass, if anything, but where was I?) to agree on where to go for dinner, you’ll know that this one event is the only occasion on which it is even conceivable that if you have 400 friends, they can all just finally STFU and chow down. Yes, even vegetarians. As for raw vegans, pass them a potted Lucky Bamboo plant and tell them to knock themselves out.

Gung Haggis Fat Choy is an event I’ve been trying to attend since its very first iteration, now lost to the mists of time. Ancient rituals, newly fused; the love child of Robbie Burns Day and Chinese New Year, Gung Haggis Fat Choy is also the brainchild of one Toddish McWong (pictured), a legendary, indeed, possibly imaginary figure, who brings together the most entertaining or simply most gluttonous representatives of all Hyphenated-Canada for a ten course Chinese/Scots fusion dinner featuring free Scotch.

Let me say that again: Free Scotch.

That got your attention, didn’t it?

And this is what it looks like:

and yes, that is a tabla. And a rap, delivered to the haggis.

And here is last year’s address to the haggis, featuring entirely too enthusiastic knife-wielding by Vangroover mayor Gregor Robertson.

From the Gung Haggis Fat Choy site:

Arrive Early:

The doors will open at 5:00 pm, All tables are reserved, and all seating is placed in the order that they were ordered.

If you bought your tickets through Firehall Arts Centre, come to the reception marked Will Call under the corresponding alphabet letters.

We have placed you at tables in order of your purchase.  Somebody who bought their ticket in December will be at a table closer to the stage then somebody who bought it on the day before the event.  We think this is fair.  If you want to sit close for next year – buy your ticket early.

The Bar is open at 5:00 and Dinner Start time is 6:00
We expect a rush before the posted 6:00pm dinner time. We have asked that the 1st appetizer platter be placed on the table soon after 6pm.  Once this is done, we will start the Piping in of our performers and head table.  We sing O Canada from the stage, and give welcome to our guests.  Warning: We usually ask you to sing for your supper.

Buy Your Raffle Tickets:

Please buy raffle tickets… this is how we generate our fundraising.  We purposely keep our admission costs low to $60 for so that they are affordable and the dinner can be attended by more people.  Children’s tickets are subsidized so that we can include them in the audience and be an inclusive family for the evening. We have some great door and raffle prizes lined up.  Lots of books (being the writers we are), gift certificates and theatre tickets + other surprises.

FREE Subscription for Ricepaper Magazine:

Everybody is eligible for a subscription to RicePaper Magazine, (except children). This is our thank you gift to you for attending our dinner. And to add value ($20) to your ticket. Pretty good deal, eh? Rice Paper Magazine is Canada’s best journal about Asian Canadian arts and culture, published by Asian Canadian Writers’ Workshop.

This dinner is the primary fundraising event for:The Gung Haggis Fat Choy Dragon Boat teamcontinues to promote multiculturalism through dragon boat paddling events. Some paddlers wear kilts, and we have been filmed for German, French, and Canadian television documentaries + other

Since 2001, Asian Canadian Writers’ Workshop, has been a partner in this remarkable dinner event. ACWW works actively to give a voice to ermerging writers.  ACWW is the publisher of RicePaper Magazine.

Histoic Joy Kogawa House committee joined our family of recipients in 2006, during the campaign to save Joy Kogawa’s childhood home from demolition.  The Land Conservancy of BC stepped in to fundraise in 2005 and purchase Kogawa House in 2006 and turn it into a National literary landmark and treasure for all Canadians. In 2009, we celebrated our inaugural Writer-in-Residence program.

The FOOD

This year haggis dim sum appetizers will again be served. Haggis is mixed into the Pork  Siu-mei dumplings  Last year we introduced haggis pork dumplings (su-mei). This year we are adding vegetarian pan-fried turnip cake to represent “Neeps and Tatties.”

Soon after 6:00 pm the dinner formalities begin. People are seated, and the Piping in of the musicians and hosts begins.  We will lead a singalong of Scotland the Brave and give a good welcome to our guests, and have the calling of the clans – all the reserved tables and large parties of 10.  This is a tradition at many Scottish ceilidhs (kay-lees), or gatherings.

From then on… a new dish will appear every 15 minutes – quickly followed by one of our co-hosts introducing a poet or musical performer.  Serving 40 tables within 5 minutes, might not work completely, so please be patient.  We will encourage our guests and especially the waiters to be quiet while the performers are on stage. Then for the 5 minute intermissions, everybody can talk and make noise before they have to be quiet for the performers again.

07:59 –

The Performances

Expect the unexpected:  This year’s dinner event is full of surprises. Even I don’t know what is going to happen.  The idea is to recreate the spontaneity of the very first dinner for 16 people back in 1998 – but with 400 guests.  For that dinner, each guest was asked to bring a song or a poem to share.  I don’t want to give anything away right now as I prefer the evening to unfold with a sense of surprise and wonderment.  But let it be known that we have an incredible array of talent for the evening.

Todd Wong and Tricia Collins will be the hosts for the evening.

Todd Wong is the creator of Gung Haggis Fat Choy. A 5th Generation Chinese Canadian who played Robbie Burns in the Battle of the Bards for 2008 Celtic Fest.

Tricia Collins is a actor, writer and playwright.  Recently, her one woman play Gravity performed to rave reviews in Vancouver, Montreal and Guyana – home of her ancestors.  Tricia happily brings her Irish-Chinese-Guyanese-Canadian heritage to Gung Haggis Fat Choy!

Joe McDonald We always delight in having Joe and his bagpipes. Joe has been with us since 2001 and even performed in the 2004 Gung Haggis Fat Choy CBC tv special.  Joe is a multi-instrumentalist and can perform Chinese tunes on his bamboo flute or his bagpipes.

Birds of Paradox is the new group by erhu virtuoso Lan Tung, Ron Samworth on guitar and Nealamjit Dhillon on tabla drums and saxophone.  Lan is also the leader of the group Orchid Ensemble.

Larissa Lai is our featured author, author of her new poetry work Automaton Biographies, Her novels are When Fox is A Thousand and Salt Fish Girl. Larissa also teaches Burns’ work at UBC English Department.

Marcus Youssef and Camyar Chai are the authors of Ali & Ali and the Axis of Evil.  This has become a favorite for many Vancouverites, as the play pokes fun at Asian Heritage Month, Multiculturalism and Scottish history.  Charles Demers performs with them.

Poetry by Robbie Burns and Chinese Canadian poets.  What will it be?  We often like to read “Recipe for Tea” – a poem by Jim Wong-Chu, about the trading of tea from Southern China to Scotland. Our non-traditional reading of the “Address to the Haggis” is always a crowd pleaser.  But this year, audience members might also be reading a different Burns poem to tie their tongues around the gaelic tinged words.  Will it be “A Man’s A Man for All That,” “To a Mouse,” My Luv is Like a Red Red Rose,” or maybe even “Tam O-Shanter?”

The evening will wrap up somewhere between 9:00 and 9:30 pm, with the singing of Auld Lang Syne – with a verse in Mandarin Chinese. Then we will socialize further until 10pm.  People will leave with smiles on their faces and say to each other, “Very Canadian,”  “Only in Vancouver could something like this happen,” or “I’m telling my friends.”

And yes, there are apparently still a few tickets available. You will need to call Todd directly at 778-846-7090 as things are close to filling up and there’s no sense getting all dolled up only to be turned away.

By the way, fun trivia fact: It’s the Year of the Tiger and Robbie Burns was born in the Year of the Tiger. Animal print does not generally mix well with tartan, but hell, why not? Go for it; after one or two drinks it’ll look better, I’m sure.

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Out to Lunch with Emme Rogers and Raul Pacheco

Emme Rogers and Hummingbird604 at Elixir

Emme Rogers and Raul Pacheco at Elixir

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always enjoyed lunching with my imaginary friends. They never sass you, they’re not expensive to feed, and they always tell you that you look mahvelous, dahling. And so it was with great anticipation that arranged to take in the swanky jazz brunch at Elixir Bistro in the Opus Hotel with two of my best friends, only one of whom is imaginary.

Can you tell which one just by looking?

Yes, right there in the heart of deepest, darkest Yaletown, Raul Pacheco and I entertained one of Vangroover’s most popular imaginary friends, Emme Rogers, everyone’s favorite poster girl for post-tomboy twentysomething singletonhoodnikism. As imaginary people go (they go anywhere they want; how could you stop them, eh? Answer me that!) Emme manifests a little more manifestly than most, as you can see from the photograph above. She manifested right on time (I, of course, was late, for entrance-making purposes and also because, well, I’m always late; hey, I was born a month late, so I figure I’m 29 days early for everything) and settled into a cozy banquette seat in the smaller, plusher room away from the main bistro floor. Sort of a posh, padded snuffbox of a room: there was velvet. There may have been ormolu. But I don’t actually know what ormolu is, so I can’t say for sure (isn’t it an endangered species?).

After a brief discussion of why everyone in the neighborhood seems to dress for cocktails when it’s still breakfast time (Pucci halters and hotpants?), we scan the menu interestedly. The coffee manifests immediately, always the sign of a quality brunch establishment to my mind, and it is, by the way, excellent. We ordered, and it was not long before I heard my favorite words.

Not, “Johnny Depp would like your number.”

No: “The chef would like to send you something special.” Why yes, YES, the chef may indeed send over a platter of amuse gueles: fried bread with vanilla-infused maple syrup, wild berries and creme fraiche, and spiced hot chocolate (one of my very favoritest things, which you can rarely get in this too-WASPY city), and all excellent.

Then the gossip is served, cold. I ask about a typical week in Emme’s life. She replies that there is typically nothing the same from one week to another in the life of an imaginary girl-about-town. Summer has been dead quiet for, as everyone knows, Vancouver shuts down in the summer; everyone is either at their cabin in the Gulf Islands/up at Whistler or pretending to be at their cabin in the Gulf Islands/up at Whistler. Emme’s looking forward to the Fall, when the parties start up again and the “duelling vacation game” stops.

“I do love the big, fancy parties,” she says, “but I can’t completely relax at those. It’s when I’m in someone’s back yard or at a great party standing at the sink, washing dishes and just chatting, that I can really relax.”

“In fact, I really enjoy downtimes with my nieces and I’m taking them out for a fancy tea. We’ll wear boas and tiaras. Oh yeah, the whole nine yards! That’s actually my big event for the season, the one I’m looking forward to most.”

Awwww. I don’t have the heart to tell her Debrett’s says you can’t wear a tiara unless you’re married. Why do I even know these things?

Brunch arrives, and is delicious. I’m a sucker for salade Nicoise, and I’ve never seen or consumed a better one than the one at Elixir. Behold:

Elixir Salad Nicoise

Elixir Salad Nicoise

Part II Coming Soon