The three wise men are bringing a ladder, a canteen of water, and a map of safe houses.

You didn’t get me anything for my birthday, and you know it!

We’ve been taking a short (what, six year?) break from the posting of Christmas Lists round these parts (these ones right here *points*) and you’ve all had plenty of time to save up for some good ‘uns, so let’s get right to it, shall we?

A donation to these poor people, neighbors of my cousins’, who lost their roof and the entire upper floor of their house in a fire. Since it was an historic log house, they couldn’t get insurance for it, and since they both worked at Walmart for 20+ years, they don’t have what you’d call cushy pensions (if they even have pensions). Just a reminder: it gets down to -40 here in the winters sometimes.
And if you cannot donate: Sharing is caring! Twitter, Facebook, email, church groups, wherever.

Cashmir by Chopard eau de parfum. And look, it’s on sale!

Really, really, really, REALLY good cheeses. Soft, smelly ones especially.

Lap desk. This one from Levenger is, of course, perfection, as is everything at Levenger.

Home Depot gift certificate. I have a wish list, but it’s long and complicated and I don’t have the exact measurements I need but if you hate giving gift cards and think they’re tacky you can go ahead and get me a shitload of copper tubing and a pipe cutter, plus assorted T joints and right angle joints, also in copper, plus some nice, thick red cedar planks and dowels, thick enough to go in a closet and hold up a rack of coats. Not that that’s what I’ll be using them for. Oh, and some lamp gizzards; I understand from YouTube that they come in kits.

She’s so thrilled to be my Christmas pressie!

An Andalusian mare, because why the fuck not? Nobody’s getting me anything from this list any damn way.

A newsboy cap, in grey. God, I love newsboy caps. Or a Greek fisherman’s hat. NOT a flat cap: I am not a wizened old cab-driving Man United fan.

A cozy angora or cashmere scarf, light enough to tuck inside a coat.

Hand cream with an SPF. Honestly, why is this so hard to find?

The book Flow. I need to work on my focus and my work habits, and flow is not something I’ve experienced in a number of years, literally.

Some nice copper doodads. Candlesticks, bar accouterments, trays, whatever.

Scented candles: cinnamon and Christmas scents for the winter, lilac for spring.

A nice three or four bedroom house with a fireplace and a view of the water somewhere on the west coast of Vancouver Island. The main living space or the office MUST face west, so I can watch the sunset. A wood-burning fireplace and/or stove would be a plus. So would “it comes with kayaks”.

A copy of Writer’s Market. For real, the new one. With the digital subscription, because fuckitall, I need to make some goddam money! Writer’s Market lists all the main publishers in each different field of both books and magazines (and now, websites!), what they’re buying, how to pitch them, and who to contact along with the email or phone number. And the digital subscription is continuously updated.

Some nice leather gloves, size medium. Grey, pink, or black.

A really big, really nice mug. I love big mugs, big glasses. I can’t be arsed to get up and refill it.

A car trip. Just a day trip. Doesn’t have to have a destination; I just love me a good road trip. Wilno would be cool, and we could eat at the tavern. Perth would be nice, because I’ve been here three years and haven’t had a chance to wander around the cute part of the town. Merrickville, same. Somewhere either the town or the countryside is pretty.

A book of legends about the Wendigo. Doing some research for something that looks like it’s turning into a novel.

A trailride or a hayride or something horsey. God, I miss horses. I live a six minute drive from a stable, but it takes an hour to get there on the bus, and I can’t afford lessons there anyway.

A nice, big bowl for homemade ramen and pho. This place only has cereal-sized bowls.

Blackout curtains. Desperately needed.

Decent-quality earbuds or headphones that are weather-impervious.

Some nice pens. I’m actually writing things down. In notebooks. It’s amazing!

A teapot. This fake Spode with triffids and daleks on it is awesome. Anything from Calamityware would be good.